When the narcissist accuses YOU of having intimacy issues
You don’t feel safe, you don’t feel valued, you don’t feel connected—so, of course, you don’t want to be physically intimate. But instead of acknowledging the damage they’ve done to the relationship, the narcissistic person flips the script and blames you for the lack of intimacy. Suddenly, you’re the one with the problem, the one who’s distant, avoidant, or cold. Let’s talk about why this happens, why it’s not your fault, and what it really means.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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They will target your confidence and provoke your reactions until you become emotionally numb. And then they will accuse you of having intimacy issues. Without ever reflecting on the fact that their behaviour caused it. They want to blame you for their own issues.
Good morning everybody, to hell with miserable narcissists.
chronically malcontent nature-a$$holios.
When you are depressed and medicated desire evaporates . It is terrible to realize how really shallow and transactional your relationship is .
It can do, but for me, I think that was part of the gaslighting.
I actually stopped taking my antidepressants to see if it made things better because I was being faulted all the time. The gaslighting was so effective that I thought it must be me, so I tried everything to check if it was my fault.
Of course, it never was.
He was just a coward who wanted what he wanted, but didn’t have the courage to be emotionally vulnerable with me. That’s the real intimacy, not the sex.
I even tried to explain the “foreplay is all day,” thing; when we want to get laid in the evening, we need to be emotionally safe for our partner during the day. When the emotional safety is no longer in tact, a narcissist isn’t typically able or willing to participate in mutual relationship repair.
When there is no sense of fondness or care during the day, why in the world would we feel desire at night? For many women, desire is responsive, there typically needs to be an initial stimulus for us to respond to. Sexual desire doesnt often come out of the blue for us, not in the same way it does for many men. Many women require some reason to feel desire, before they will feel it. If their significant other is not an emotionally accepting and safe space, if theyre dismissive or cold, desire doesn’t even cross a woman’s mind.
And then when you go ahead and have the sex with them, it isn’t very satisfying anyway because of the disconnect. You can tell when a man is disconnected, it is like he is masturbating with your body. Even more devaluing than the words, and by trying to make things work, we are sacrificing our own wellbeing. Emotional safety and connection is a must before physical intimacy. The sex just isn’t even good enough without those, to be bothered with it.
I spent ages believing that was the normative way of things, to have sex without feeling loved. 😒🤢
Spot on! This is a reflection of my relationship. Exactly. TFS.
I did just that, did it to avoid the fight
Thank you for making this video. This is exactly what I went through.
What my now ex-husband did for several years before our divorce was to not keep up his personal hygiene. He’d go for several days without showering, and then turn it on me for not wanting to be in the same bed as him. Then, when the damage was done, he suddenly started showering every night before bed. It was just too late for me. I think, on some level, I realized that it was just a manipulation tactic. I couldn’t get past it. I’ve been rid of him for six years now, and life is good.
Yup part of their game
Good for you
I think is says a lot about my relationship when these videos hit so close to home. Even if they aren’t all 100%, they are at least 80-90% spot on. That says a lot to me about how much I need to reevaluate my life and make some big changes. I checked out intimately several years ago and have done everything in my power to avoid it. It’s been a few years now. I have zero interest and don’t plan on looking back. I always hate hearing about sex and marriage. I feel like it’s what men want women to think so they give them what they want. If I am not getting me emotional needs me (which I am not), I don’t feel that I can connect physically and actually repulsed by the thought of that kind of intimacy now. Thanks for the great, eye opening video!
In my case the man I was married to withheld sex for years while blaming me for being frigid. I feel blessed that I escaped that nightmare with lots of support from family and friends.12 years on, I count my blessings every day for being able to live a normal healthy life with strong boundaries.
My vulnerable narcissist ex husband used sex as a test from the very beginning. He would chastise me for not initiating it, then reject my advances when I did, and rewrite history later on and say I never did anything to initiate sex. He would make me do things I was uncomfortable with, make fun of me for the way I did certain things, until finally, by the end, I wanted nothing to do with him physically but didn’t put up a fight when he’d want sex…I would just grin and bear it and try not to cry during it. His constant critique of my body and technique was cruel and disconnecting too. It was a horror show.
💯the same for me with my neglectful ~.
I was the one that was apparently frigid.
Then he said he felt like he was rxping me, and decided we were more like siblings, which we weren’t.
The gaslighting and guilt-tripping absolutely broke me.
I’m 2 years out now.
Yes! This was EXACTLY my experience.
Getting accused of “withholding.” No, I don’t want to be intimate with someone when they’re treating me badly. Part of his love bombing was being very safe and vanilla with intimacy, which was healing to me after my past sexual trauma. Once we got married, he revealed his 50 Shades of Gray wannabe fantasies and started demanding that all intimacy and sex must involve dominating and harming me. The switch-up was horrific, and even more traumatizing. The couples’ counselor we briefly talked to even encouraged him and shamed me for not wanting it. I’m not sure I’ll ever feel fully sexually safe with another man again
This was my experience too. I made myself change from vanilla for him. Now I have no interest in power exchange. I have sex as an equal with my boyfriend. You’re not alone with the crazy BDSM nightmare being forced on you. ❤
Its just another part of not really having a relationship at all. You never had a relationship you never will. You dont realize it at the time but when you do its so easy never to see them in a healthy light again.
Thank you so much for this video!!! I always see videos about how the narcissist avoids sex but what about when the other person is avoiding it because of all the pain you’ve endured and abuse. I always felt or was made to feel guilty for avoiding it but to me it feels like I have to sleep with the enemy and that gives me chills and leaves me feeling empty and sor of feeling sick.
My ex was never capable of intimacy. He was an emotional coward, so of course I never felt safe.
Omg. He always told me I was distant and lack of sex was all my fault.
Finally! Someone is finally preaching this!! The nightmare i lived in a 30 yearmarriage.
The last year he sexually assaulted me multiple times and told me that he wanted to hurt me. He later told me that one of the people he cheated with told him not to hurt me too bad. He was abusive to me in every way possible and was physically and mentally abusive to our 4 children. I finally got a divorce and got help from a women’s shelter. We have a three year family violence protection order. I’m happy now but I’m scared of men.
Oh my goodness Dr Ramani! This is my life at the present. Thank you for this and helping me to understand why I feel this way and that it is real.
I never felt the genuine intimacy since the day I was married, he was selfish and pushed me away until it caused me I was feeling used. That had been the only time he paid attention to me then treated me like crap the rest of the time. So much time I wasted on a narc