Why do I feel GUILTY when people criticize the narcissist?
Have you ever caught yourself defending the narcissist—even after everything? You’re not alone, and it doesn’t mean you’re in denial. This video explores why so many survivors feel a pull to protect the narcissistic person, whether out of trauma bonding, loyalty, empathy, or a desire to shield others connected to them. If you’ve ever felt conflicted about standing up for someone who never protected you, this conversation is for you.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Ahhh, hopium.
It shows up as loyalty, devotion, love, endurance, betrayal blindness, obligation, desperation… 😢
Thanks Ramani. ❤
Exactly….
In my deeply narcissistic family there are lots of flying monkey defenders. I certainly, stupidly used to be one of them. I finally flew free! 🐒
Thanks so much. I can really relate
Narcissistic wife or an adult Narcissistic child will not only not protect you but will throw you under the bus, always.
I got over it and I knew I had to, if I wanted to live. My gut and what I experienced were telling me that things weren’t simply unhealthy. But were becoming dangerous, predatory and, perhaps, predatory. That it wasn’t simply mom getting older, having dementia and not being able to care for herself. But, that aging might’ve been a mask and a lure, for very conscious and strategic nefarious intent, that my idiot sibling couldn’t pickup on and would’ve been on board, even if she had. And I felt they were hoping that my need to protect her, would override any sense of self preservation, leaving little for them to do, to undo me. I’ll add in, a certain amount of paranoia. Hard to discern what is real or imagined, when you find family is turning into something unrecognizable and you don’t know how many red flags you passed up or should’ve picked up on. I did feel more assured I needed to leave, than outside enablers felt, “But she’s your mom. You have to stay.” People who remember her, when she was beautiful and appeared to be normal. People who never met her, yet sided with her. I simply couldn’t hear them, above the cacophony, of senses I was hearing, seeing and feeling. It was much the same as being out on a beautiful day, looking up and, suddenly, the clouds have gathered, darkened and lightning and thunder start. As we know, you’re also trying to save the narcissist, from themselves. But, it becomes much like trying to save a drowning person, who is also drowning you. Worse, when you find they’ve hurled themselves in, specifically for you to save them, in the hopes they will swim back to shore, without you.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. One of my biggest fears is that she will be alone, and when she’s hurting, I hurt too. Often, I find myself willing to endure the pain myself rather than see her suffer.
Been there.
Exactly, more fear of hurting the other than being hurt myself. Hurting someone felt like being in mortal danger. And even after the end of the relationship, this feeling is still popping up.
I used to make excuses for her….Until she died 3 months ago. For 35 years, it just accelerated. There were some calm times sprinkled in there in all those years. It’s a strange feeling…living without that. I grew up with a parent that was similar and also very physically violent so perhaps it felt comfortable to me at first. My family constantly criticized her over the years, never to her face…that would have been war.
Mine never cheated…except with the idol of himself !!! Glad I survived and learned so much !!
Ty for all you do 💕💕
Brilliant. Answers to questions I didn’t even know I had. I’ll be watching this one again till it sticks.
My brother is trauma bonded to his narcissistic girlfriend who treats him like crap (i.e. she yells at him and even hits him, she takes all of his money, she has separated him from his family) and yet, he defends her. The moment anyone tries to reason with him, he cuts the person off.
One reason I might defend a narcissist is because I can’t condone bullying. If people are trying to give the person some helpful insight, that is a good thing. If they are just throwing out unhelpful insults then I’m not ok with that. When I did not defend the narcissist, he was angry that I wasn’t loyal. I told him that I didn’t defend him because the other person was correct and he can defend himself.
Yes, I constantly protect my NARCISSISTIC HUSBAND of 40 years. I want to walk away but I’m totally SCARED to.
You can please walk away 😢its 1000 times better i did this last week
1:06
You are the best. Thanks Dr Ramani ! ❤
0:00 – That opener! “I can see you. Sit with that.” When did Dr. Ramani become such a dommy mommy?! 😮 She may have well have said, “Sit boy.” and I took a seat, even though I was already seated on the carpet lol.
I have been watching this channel for a long time now. My favorite thing has been that Dr. Ramani takes the time to be very personable with her videos. It doesn’t feel like the same old boring videos others make, but actually reflects the realities of being a human being — in all its messy glory.
She helped save me from the life I was unhappy with, and continues to validate my existence with videos like this one. I feel safe here. I feel understood here. I can calibrate here.
now this is my problem, still strugling with that , because u also know the harm they can cause,
but then u also don’t want to see them get hurt…
A jerk is a jerk is a jerk!
I’m glad I am not stuck in this situation. I am so done with him, and I laughed all the way through this video. Hopefully, one day, everyone else will be laughing, too.
😊😊
Great insights 👏🏻
The differences in the “protective stance” is just another example of the many double standards that exist in a NFS. Once you see it, easier to make the changes/adjustments.