Why Self-Help Can Feel Shame-Inducing After Narcissistic Abuse
There is no shortage of self-help advice out there telling you to shift your mindset, level up, and stop getting in your own way. But if you are trying to make sense of a narcissistic relationship, that kind of guidance can feel confusing — even shaming. When you are still untangling gaslighting, betrayal, and self-doubt, growth talk may not land the way it’s supposed to. Before you assume the advice isn’t working because of you, it may be worth asking whether it was written for someone in a very different place.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Listening to this channel and to Jordan Peterson has been the best self help I’ve gotten! Thanks for what you do!
Two biggest narcissists in the public eye. Unfortunately, you don’t understand, narcissism or else you would not be looking up to these types of people.
@BB-fo5mr you have a lot of nerve saying Dr. Ramani is a narcissist. I love how you demonstrate narcissistic projection though. Good job exposing yourself.
You obviously don’t understand narcissism, nor do you understand the word projection. She is the archetype for narcissistic personality disorder. You do not understand these disorders. This is exactly what is screwing up the world right now – arm chair psychologists who have no idea what they’re talking about, in other words – people like you. And people like Ramani are creating this exact problem.
Dr r yes, Peterson not for me. Dr r isn’t always right but more often she is. Dr carter and Jerry wise for me are the best. Dr r imo got the vulnerable narc wrong in that movie she pointed out but otherwise pretty good and has helped a lot of people. Peterson is a bit nuts.
Most Narcissistic survivors do not know what they have been through. Because narcissistic survivors were silently been spied on constantly they need lots of healing to recover.
Yes ❤
I completely agree.. ❤ 💯
Yesss !
It takes years.
Thanks for the honest and humorous video! I’ve been out of the narc relationship for a while and have tried to “let it go”, “forgive”, and all of the buzz words I’m sick of myself. Soo much information my brain hurts. So, recently I’ve decided to work with a trauma therapist (where are they)?! All the books and podcasts in the world are just noise at this point ~ I need professional help because I’m hurting and lost. If you can recommend someone, this Jersey girl would be grateful😔
You always understand what phase of life i’m going through Doctor! Thank you so much!
Same! ❤
Don’t Defend Don’t Engage Don’t Explain Don’t Personalize
I gotta tattoo that on my hand
And we can’t forget DARVO 😂🎉
You’re probably not trying to be funny, Dr. Ramani, but that’s what brings out the humor. “If I’m in the wilderness, let me tell ya what I don’t need, is a book on how to make a fancy cake.” The topic of narcissism and narcissistic abuse is so heavy that when you throw in a “Fancy cake” line, and w/ a straight face, it throws me, makes me laugh for a min and, I just wanted to say, “Thank you!” I’m sorry for the grief you’ve been going through and I pray if you haven’t yet reached the acceptance stage, I hope it’s right around the corner. May your days be filled w/blessings upon blessings and may Jesus uphold you in His Mighty Right Hand.💝🎚️💯
@joannkemaldean1541well said… peace on☕😊🙏💜💪✌️
I find don’t “personalise hard”
Ugh! My daughter’s significant other who “has never been wrong about anyone” has labeled me untrustworthy after meeting me for one hour, and is absolutely in love with her pathological liar and diagnosed narcissist dad, who is so super charming and effusive. I am so tired.
❤️🩹 I feel for you. If the “significant other” is true to form, the relationship may just disintegrate when he starts being nasty to her. Stay calm, stay polite and quiet and wait for it to go away. I’ve had to do this. It’s a very grown up way to behave but it brings advantages further down the road. Remember you are good and God knows this and loves you and he sees us all. You will be OK but don’t allow yourself to be provoked no matter how hurt and indignant you may feel. God bless.
@allykatharvey Thank you so much for this! 🥺
Thank you❤
Flip that, he deems you as untrustworthy he just told you he’s untrustworthy! The jerk
@SherryTomlinson-r2y I was thinking the same thing. She is untrustworthy TO HIM. In a way hè is right. She looks through him! Hè is scared of her.
I’m so glad to hear you say this. So few professionals understand how to recognize and deal with a narcissist.
I completely agree with you!
I wouldn’t be able to make sense of what I’ve been dealing with for the last 35yrs of a abusive marriage without Dr R and other sources on Vulnerable Narcissist.
I have benefitted from honest discernment with MYSELF and my situation and accepting IT’S NOT ME!
TY for giving me the courage to be a survivor and hopefully help others seeking the journey to becoming SURVIVORS
Me too!
me too.. i had courage to divorce my soon to be ex husband, it’s because i suddenly saw dr Ramani video 3 years ago. it’s God grace I found the video about narcissism. i’ve been married for 27 years with covert malignant, and i was i a scapegoat in my childhood. it’s also blessings for me and my child finally we have chance to escape our abuser.
@hibiscus1974 it’s a Blessing to you, your Loved ones and us, that you’ve become the strong person you are while working on being stronger, SEE YOU AT THE TOP!
Rumination is a real thing, that’s when no contact helped.
Lexapro has helped the rumination but it’s horrific because I no longer care yet my mind goes back to the bs
Interrupting rumination is a skill to be worked at and practiced over time. You learn how to help yourself focus on things that are good for you.
Dr. Ramani that Blue is GEORGIOUS on you ! So Pretty !
i agree!
You’re so kind! Thank you!
I agree!! The blue is awesome on you. 😊
Dr. Ramani , Thank you ! This is fantastic advice . You Really Nailed it with This One ! Every Survivor who has been Blamed And/OR Falsely accused by Well meaning but mis-informed family, friends, neighbors, and co-workers for the Narcissist’s Toxic Confusing behavior Understands Exactly what you are Talking about here ! Thank you , Thank you ! THANK YOU !!!
I believe we have to tailor our recovery from NARC abuse so it meets OUR NEEDS and damned the peanut gallery.
We’ve spent our lives focusing on helping our NARCCIS walk towards the light and it’s time our tears stop putting out the light from our candles 🕯
“If I’m the wilderness, let me tell you what I don’t need is a damn book on how to make a fancy cake.”
Hi Doc. I am from Argentina!! During the last 5 years I tried therapies with psycologists, couching, etc., even doctors, none of them know what narcissism or trauma are! The worst and sad part of it, they blame me for what’s happened! Even friends don’t get it! My social circle is getting smaller!! I try to do the best I can even it’s a lonely path! Thanks so much for your help!!
I %$#@&% hate “let it go”. If I could %$#@&% “let it go” I would %$#@&% “let it go” Lol.
Right?! I screamed it to the television late 90’s to D’r Phill. “How! Tell me how!!!!”
Now I do have to say his book ‘life strategies’ helped me a whole lot. So maybe I yelled hard enough 😂
Some of us these videos is all we have, narcissistic people have made us bad people to everyone. These videos keep me from going crazy
So Brilliant. Narc Abuse is such a complicated thing, and it’s mostly only the people that have gone through it who understand it.
Unfortunately, so many people have not gone through it, and yet they are attaching themselves to the experience -which invalidates all the people who have gone through it.
@BB-fo5mr As Dr. Ramani so eloquently explains. She’s wonderful.
Most of us have got Complex ptsd. That is worse than PTSD.
I have CPTSD from the narcissistic abuse at home.
In the past 2 years I’ve never watched a video of dr. Ramani without learning something (really) important. And I’ve watched many of them! Thank you so much, dr. Ramani, and be well 🙏❤!
Dr Ramani truly with all my heart Thank you. Surviving blame attacks is like trying to live life as a dot board. Theres always a sharp pointed arrow coming towards you.
incredible ted talk impression😂