Why some survivors cheat to escape the narcissist
Ever found yourself emotionally or physically connected to someone outside your narcissistic relationship—and wondered what it meant? This video explores the complex reality of exit affairs, why they happen, and how they can become both a lifeline and a source of shame for survivors trying to escape toxic dynamics.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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When I was with my ex narc, I never cheated but I fantasized about being seen for once. When leaving the narc, some might call it selfish but it’s really a choice to survive and experience freedom for once.
And get to know yourself again! 🙂
Yup! I’m still struggling with loneliness and isolation but when I was with the narc, I felt lonelier.
The likelihood of tangling up with another one is very high.
so your saying that you admit to being selfish yet calling your ex a narc??? maybe you just want to use the age old excuse of calling someone a narc because it fits your agenda
I imagine many spouses are familiar with touch starvation while married to a narc
Yes, but I don’t even WANT to be touched by mine. Repulsive!
I didn’t cheat but I signed up to a dating app and made a profile, it reminded me that I was still attractive and could meet someone else. I got off right away, but somehow it soothed me.
Nailed it. My exact escape from a life of doom. Didn’t end up with her but figured “If I can fall for someone outside the marriage this easily, this marriage is done for”.
The exit affair ended up being a much needed crutch to get thru the first days of the divorce.
I am so glad this is being talked about. I suggested/supported an open marriage to try and get out. It spiraled but it did eventually open my eyes to more abuse and I got the divorce started. Was brutal, divorce lasted 18 months. Got through it.
My ex wanted an open marriage, then when she had another man, re-negged. Leaving me alone.
It was a brutal betrayal.
However, I am in a much better place now, still a single Dad, but it beats life with an arch-narcissist.
So glad you are talking about this!! He gave me more confidence than my mentally emotionally abusive husband that I lived with for 25 years has ever given me. I was no longer afraid of the person I was living with. This person awakened my soul, my true being my true self that was hidden and shoved down by my abusive ex
My mom did this. I think she was driven to do so both for emotional and financial reasons. She’d been a SAHM during her first marriage and was financially trapped. She married her affair partner and to my knowledge never cheated on anyone else but husband #1.
I had been friends for 17 years with the man I cheated on my narcissistic husband with in the last few months of our marriage. He had been watching for the past 7 years as I was trying to hide the emotional, physical, sexual and financial abuse of the aggrieved, entitled vulnerable narcissist that made me a shell of a person, and one day, I decided to just go for it and feel loved and seen. We have been together for 8 years now, and it’s perfect. I do not regret my affair at all, and my husband never knew, but this man I’m with quite literally saved my life when my husband was threatening it, and it was his treatment of me that led me to try to leave because once I’d experienced what love should feel like, I could never go back. Even if it hadn’t lasted, this man’s love is a testament to how all people should be loved, and I could never have settled for less after that. I am so happy it worked out, and that I actually lived to see that happen – had I stayed, I would be dead by now.
It is a thorny issue. My self esteem was in the trash. The person had an emotional affair with gave me the courage I needed to finally leave the relationship.
So much to absorb… its like being seen.
I cheated and it woke me up to how unhappy I truly was and gave me the strength to finally leave. 5 years in. But i didn’t have to waste any more on someone who hurt me more often than he loved me
So spot on! Having someone to “see” me, acknowledge my experience, to love and comfort me sometimes through words, sometimes through physical intimacy was VITAL to surviving the narcissistic Hell waiting for me each day when I came home from work.
I did something else, to burn that bridge to my now narc ex husband. He was so weird with money and extremely controlling with money. I gambled my whole paycheck. When I told him, he moved out. I didn’t realize at the time what I was doing but now I look back and know, I subconsciously was destroying my marriage. Yay! It worked. 😊
Hit the nail directly on the head. This is exactly how I managed to get out. I wish I had this video 3yrs ago
I spent 10 years in a relationship where I felt invisible. He barely spoke, never acknowledged my efforts — not even a home-cooked meal. I ended up cheating, not out of cruelty, but because I was desperate for real conversation and connection. When confronted, I owned up to it. I’m still trying to figure out why I stayed that long.
I had a similar experience.. I wasn’t look for an affair, but someone saw me, befriended me and showed empathy like I’d never experienced before. I didn’t do it to be cruel, but it was a place I actually felt peace, calm, and safety.
could it be that you looking for sn excuse to justify your cheating.. we only have your side of the story. your husband could maybe tell us a completely different story
Yeh, boy, after a prolonged drought of attention, connection, and affection, if someone comes along and shows an interest in your thoughts and dreams, it’s like spilled water to a Bounty quicker picker-upper.
I never cheated but fantasized about a famous celebrity the entire marriage and what it would be like to be with them. Being married to a narcissist is such a lonely, miserable experience and all we want more than anything is to actually feel loved.
Get out of my head Doc. lol. It took me a long time to forgive myself. My ex called me so many terrible things and basically threatened to unalive me. I had to escape when he was at work. He could not stop me because he wasn’t able to hide my car keys or take air out of my tires to keep me there like before. I was tainted and things were different. I still was harassed for 3 years after the divorce,but not trapped. I did try to make the guy I had the affair with into a more serious relationship, but realized that he was only the vehicle that got me out and let me feel again. I don’t recommend this, but I understand. Thank you for all the great wisdom you share with survivors. ❤
I can’t thank you enough for bringing up this complex and little talked about issue. This phenomenon goes to show that things are never black and white. I feel so seen after watching this.
This is exactly what I did so surprised to see that this is normal. Because of course the narcissist made it seem as though I was such a dirty nasty woman for doing so. But I was just looking for human contact.