Why survivors lie, manipulate, and shut down around a narcissist
Living with a narcissist forces survivors into survival mode. To keep the peace, many end up lying, manipulating, or shutting down—behaviors that don’t reflect who they really are but what the relationship demands. This video breaks down why these coping tactics develop, the shame they create, and how to start separating survival strategies from your true self. If you’ve ever wondered, “Am I just as bad as the narcissist?”—this one’s for you.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
We lie cause we want to keep conversation to minimum. Ideally home is the last place one should have to lie, or walk on egg shells, or feel as if you’re in battle. Even animals rest at home, recharge themselves, and then go out and face the world. But with narcs, you are so exhausted and stressed out at home, that you’re drained of all energy when you leave home and outside the home, you are tired and worn out. Like a cheetah on treadmill. Eventually you’re tired.
It’s also like a bird in cage. The moment the cage is opened, the bird flies out haphazardly and at times collides with something or straight into a tree and boom. That’s what happens when you’re with a narc. You’re so tensed to escape that you end up acting crazily or super excited/very very very careless/childlike when you’re out of house and make a fool of yourself. You have no defenses left when you’re out of home.
I’m literally realizing that right now and it is so depressing. I was raised by a narcissistic family and married one. Some days I am so sad that this is my life…I want to leave but I have a child and any custody arrangement would not be safe except for supervised. Unfortunately I can’t prove anything because I live in a 2 party consent state for recording. So my proof is not admissable unless it is bad enough (like law enforcement and or a hospital has to be involved) and I’m not willing to let it get that far. So i stay to protect child
@@Stillpril 🙁 It’s next to impossible to prove how harmful a narc is. Narcs are like mosquitoes. Death by a thousand cut. If you say someone that there’s a lion in the neighborhood, they’ll say to call police, but if you say there are mosquitoes in the neighborhood, they’ll laugh at you.
A honest enemy is much better than a backstabbing friend (narc).
I’m living the same experience currently myself with the added stress of being a local truck driver working long hours and dealing with traffic
@@enriquejackson2843 Eventually it takes a toll on you. And the narc says stuff like: You’re work isn’t so difficult. The entire world works.
Yes that was a good description of it Home is supposed to be safe, but it’s not with a narcissist
Once again: appreciation to Dr Ramani for her extensive knowledge on the subject of narcissism. Unbelievably good.
The more i live outside my family, the more i realize: i should have done this a long time ago
GOALS
Right on the target. I used to hate how I had to use subterfuge to protect the scapegoated children and myself from my narc ex. It was pure survival. It even made me wonder if I was the problem person in the marriage.
It’s called Survival.
We Know we are dealing with Toxic, Unsafe people with Ultra Controlling personalities and Explosive Tempers. We Learn to SurVive that Toxic Situation !
Spot on
I’m not comfortable with lying, but lying and withholding information has become necessary for “survival.” Anything I share is subject to criticism I would end up defending. Often however, I find myself being transparent for fear of her finding out.
I hate myself for being this kind of person around narcissists my life depends on like at work… I hope we all can be free some day and better versions of ourselves.
Something thats really crummy at this point in my life is that i dont trust anyone. Nooo oneee. Just myself. Regular people in day to day errands, friends and family. I just dont trust anyone anymore. Its like my fire or flame from my 20s is gone because now its like just survival and not trusting or believing anyone, but pretending I do so it doesn’t raise red flags that I see through their abuse tactics
Your best protection 🎉
Me too I wonder if my daughter is a narcissist than I feel terrible for thinking that of her
I’m so sorry…I totally can relate.
The damage they do is monumental and yet they walk away unscathed😢
I hate that because of that relationship I have changed and I have so much hate in my heart 💗
Thank you for this bc I needed to hear it
This is 100% my relationship with my mother. 😒
Yep. As a “Scapegoat” it was damn if I do and damn if I don’t. Tell the truth. Get punished. Get got lying. Get punished. Their the ones that cause us “Normals” to lie in the first place, just so we can do what we need to do, whatever that may be. Thanks DR. Ramani. Hope all is well. Peace
Lying is on a spectrum with violence. And it’s the first self-defence move you need to make with a dangerous person.
THANK GOD FOR YOU DR,. RAMANI!!!!!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!👍❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤
The average person can’t even comprehend a narcissistic relationship far leds how to use Communication with such an individual
Thank you for addressing this subject, Dr. Ramani. I spent a good amount of time soul searching after my relationships with narcissists. The adaptations I had to make for survival brought me through the darkness within me, and I suffered from an identity crisis. After concluding that fairness is not a given in a universe that is indifferent to everything, I forgave myself. What I have done is who I am. I accept accountability for the actions I have taken and the thoughts I have had; and that is something they will never be capable of. I would rather be a monster than a deceiver. I tell the truth at all times, because it is less for me to keep up with — and if it causes someone else’s feathers to get ruffled, I let them carry that weight, not me.
Me too I hate lairs and I won’t lie anymore. It’s who I’m now
This is my life for the past 18 years. Everything you touched on is 100% spot on. Kids keeping me from leaving. 😢
33 yrs for me. he left when baby turned 18 and made it hell. hapoy now, but never confide or trust
here is your secret weapon, they think u r stupid.
Thank you for this video!! I HAD to lie to survive!!! THE ONLY thing that saved ME, until I got away. I was feeling so guilty for my behavior “lie”. I will no longer have to hold guilt or shame. Thank you!!! I am now free to just be me now!!! Thank you for this video.
This was my story growing up. But as a kid I couldn’t keep track of my lies sometimes and there was always hell to pay. I’m so glad that time is over
lying in a narcissistic family system is also so draining. lying just further suppressed my authentic self, they were just further and further away.
goodness I needed this video, im realizing how I used to do all of this. lying about my college majors, where I was going, spending $10, having to beg enablers to intervene my behalf when I wanted to do or go somewhere. it was just so tiring. my lying followed me in other relationships, but it would be lying by omission or just bailing on activities. im working on that now and the difference between lying and discernment