Why you NEVER reach the ‘final straw’ with a narcissist
You tell yourself, If they ever cheat, if they ever hit me, if they ever cross that one line – I’ll leave. But in a narcissistic relationship, that "final straw" moment isn’t always so clear. Sometimes, it never comes. And even when it does, the trauma bond, the fear, the self-doubt—can make you second-guess everything. Let’s talk about why walking away is never as simple as we think.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
As usual Dr. Ramani, you are brilliant and offer such helpful information. I have been following your site for a number of years now and actually escaped the madness of life under narcissistic rule! That said, I am happy to see the number of followers you have accrued and who you are helping. (Although I just don’t know what it actually says about the current state of the world considering that for every follower there is a narcissist driving others to you for advice! You win the “need to be cloned” award in my opinion!
I’m guilty of future faking myself. The final straw is just a fantasy for me
Sadly, that’s exactly what I did for years and years . . . 😥
Nothing ever changes being with a narcissist, you are slowly broken down. When realizing that and the fact you are pretty much alone in the relationship I guess it made it easier. I rather be by my self than alone in a relationship. That is the only thing you can count on really.
It certainly teaches you to love yourself, rely on yourself, care for your self and be your own best friend.
@ You are absolutely right. I couldn’t have said it better myself:)
My last straw happened a few days ago and it was terrible behaviour, silent treatment and coldness, while I have so much patience, tolerance and love to give. I have taken this decision since months ago, but I finally pulled the trigger. After endless cycles of emotional whiplash and torture, in a “now or never” moment, I finally gathered the courage (and inner strength) to leave and also block him everywhere – something I’ve never done with anyone before. My heart is broken, but my soul is free – there is no more anxiety, no more sorrow, mixed signals, disrespect or dismissal to ever again endure at the hands of this person.
Who never cared about you anyway 💔❤️🩹♥️
Congrats! You are courageous. All the best
I am so sorry for all that you have been through and I am so so proud of you taking the BIG leap towards your freedom, dignity and growth. You have my best wishes and God’s blessings ❤
I hope you have the strength to never turn back
This is such a powerful breakthrough. 💔🔥 You endured so much patience, tolerance, love only to be met with coldness, silent treatment, and disrespect. But now, you’ve done something extraordinary: you chose yourself.
My final straw was my narcissist destroying my collectibles when he went through my phone and saw I was messaging with a client that was a police officer. He hated cops. Left him and never went back.
My lovely Narc breaks hobby cars/ trucks I build for my son, smh. I couldn’t believe it until I had seen it for myself. She also loves to hide my things and put then put it right back. I had to put up a camera to verify.
Yeah. It’s complicated. And sometimes it’s fast. I had a narcissist go from feeling like a good friend to feeling dangerous in one month. One day he starts shaming me for being handicapped, and two weeks later tells me that I had to obey him or else after I made a small mistake. So I cut ties. He ignored me for several months and then tried to act like nothing had happened. But the wounds he caused made me physically ill even to get an email from him.
I’m still in shock from the speed of it, and it’s made it hard for me to trust again.
Boundaries are so helpful to feel safe & it’s as am simple as shame me once…
@@caroleminke6116I had to start from scratch. I had a therapist told me learn what you can trust and not trust in others. If she’s a kleptomania when it comes to shiny things. Put all those things away around her.
Dr Ramani, I am going through a divorce w a narcissist. His name coming up in my phone would bring intense anxiety, so I changed his contact photo to your picture. Seeing your photo pop up helps! I’m reminded of everything I’ve learned, and am thankful to be escaping.
That’s a clever idea!
A friend put a restraining order on her husband before she divorced him. She knew he would freak out.
This is brilliant! Ty🫶🏼
@@spacegirl226that’s a BRILLIANT idea😂😂😂
GREAT idea!
I can’t find my post, maybe it didn’t actually go through! I just wanted to day that I feel like I am on the verge of “blowing up my life” because I am ready to move on. I can’t keep waiting for that “final straw” moment, those happened years ago and I missed the opportunity to get out many times. I think at 55 I have realized how much I have missed out on being in this for most of my life. I need to start living for me now before I am out of time!
The shituationship continued for me for almost 6 years because, according to him, I never gave him a “good enough” reason to leave. I’d tell him he treats me awfully, he’s selfish, self-serving, disrespectful, a pathological liar, manipulative… He’d tell me that I was making it all up and it’s not enough… I was sooooooo mentally exhausted, I “stayed” (more like I curled up into a fetal position waiting to die)… Long story short, I’m 3 years narc free and happy beyond measure!!! ❤❤❤
Thanks for the inspiration! We CAN be free.
I love your word for the “relationship” ❤
For me the final straw was something really small. He stood there criticizing my cooking. I realized that if he was never going to miss an opportunity to put me down, that no good could come from staying with him.
That’s not a small thing. Don’t devaluate your feelings!!
Mine was seemingly small, too, at least in comparison to a lot of what I had put up with. I purchased something he didn’t think I. should have, it didn’t work out, and I got a snide “you never listen to me.” The disdain in his voice…it broke me. A friend told me disrespect and disdain were no small things in a marriage.
@@ksol-px2slfor me after being cheated on, gaslit, and manipulated he told me “your arms are so skinny, dont worry we will beef them up” with a big cheesy grin on his face. Thats one of my biggest insecurities and even after I told him that he started digging deeper and made it a laughing point. I felt deep sadness in my gut because I was constantly put down by my brother and dad growing up in very similar ways.
My final straw sounds “petty” or like a “dumb reason” to leave after everything I had already been through.
Final straw was when he loaned out my vehicle without saying a word about it to me.
I looked high and low for my keys. When I couldn’t find them, it occurred to me to look outside to see if I had left them in the vehicle or in the door lock. Nope. My vehicle was just gone.
I called to tell him it had been stolen and that I was going to file a report. He screamed at me not to do that.
“Why not?”
“I loaned it to ___.”
“You didn’t ask? You didn’t say? How am I getting to work now?” He took the set of keys to his vehicle, too. (He had a company truck.)
He had hit me before, held a weapon to my pregnant stomach before, bruised my face and body before, lied, assaulted me, promised over and over to change, but when he loaned out my vehicle, I saw the cycle starting again. We had just agreed to give it another try, but all I could see in my mind’s eye was the gradual escalation until he’d put his hands on me yet again.
Not again. Not this time. At this first sign of a new cycle starting, I finally left for good.
It’s been 10 years, and he’s still up to the same crap. Texting articles about local men unaliving their “woman” in a DV dispute.
Our youngest is almost 18. Just 17 more months and no more parenting agreement tying me to him.
Save those articles he’s sending you. They are physical evidence of threats. The minute you either fear escalation or your youngest turns 18, whichever happens first, maybe take them to the authorities and see if you can get a protective order, or get him charged with something. The texts demonstrate a behavior pattern. (Also, I do understand that, thanks to a lack of actual support for DV victims in many places, it might actually be safer not to take steps.)
Once your youngest turns 18, you might be at increased risk, because he has less to lose by hurting you. And he may be angry at losing leverage against you, and escalate the threat level to try to maintain what control he has left. Please be careful.
@genevalawrence801 My therapist is aware of all of this. I’ve made other people aware.
I’ve tried getting restraining orders in the past to no avail.
@@11AceHearts11 Yes, please be careful. Those texts of articles are indeed a threat, and meant to put you in fear. As the other commenter said, keep the texts. I don’t know if you are in a town or city, but sometimes getting a restraining order is luck as to who you get on the day. If you have some kind of DV advocacy group that you could contact, they may be able to help you obtain the order. I recommend talking to a DV advocacy/support service at the very least, they can get more detail and assess the risks.
This is a general advice and may or may not be applicable for your circumstance. But any ‘change’ or ‘loss of control over the victim’ are risk points, that’s why I urge you to have your situation assessed. It may be nothing, it may be something to be wary of.
My sister’s husband gave her car to his son (her stepson). When she brought up that she was upset, Narc Jr., was also awful to her. She loved that car. She never really got over that. Back then she didn’t know what narcissism was. Thanks for all your teachings!
@@11AceHearts11 I hear you, and I hate that you’re going through this. ((HUG)) It’s so frustrating that for all of the talk out there (“Why doesn’t she/he leave?”), the actual institutional support on the ground for people trying to protect themselves from DV is minimal. I’m glad that you’ve let some people know what is happening.
So Brilliant. The title alone helped me realize I’ve been waiting for a last straw that most likely will never come. Sometimes the hundreds of little cuts have to be enough to make that move. You are so great at this, Dr. Ramani. Thank you and your amazing Team.
My “final” straw was leaving the relationship. Best “straw” EVER for my healthy well being. ❤
Never looked back. ❤
LOVE writing my new chapters!!! ❤❤❤
My final straw with a family member was when the mask slipped off and I saw evil. I typed in a few key words in Google and finally learned what narcissism is and the trauma bond. 2.5 years later I’m still struggling to break free but I’m getting there.
Watching a loved one continue in a narcissistic relationship really painful. You hope they will reach a final straw with their abuser but it can feel hopeless when they go back repeatedlyz
I’ve reached the final straw! Divorce this week after my narc wife continues to accuse me of infidelity!!!!! While signing divorce papers she not taking her maiden name, she taking the next victims last name! People need to realize you need to walk away and never look back! F these people!
I also wondered if I had a final straw. 36 years into, it finally came ! Out for 3 years now. 🎉
38 yrs and praying for that straw.
Be proud of yourself. It couldn’t have been easy. 3 years, you are a rockstar!
@@Kayra-Letsdothis you are on the right track here. A friend sent me these videos 5 years ago. I listened every chance I could. Learned so much . When that straw dropped , it was something I seen and knew there would never be a change. Smacked me in the face. I couldn’t deny it anymore. It’s been hard, fight every step of the way . Being out and away is wonderful:). Worth it, I have a few very close friends and family that understand it . That has been very important. If one day, you choose to go, you can do it too. ❤️
Well done you ,keep shining .
You are absolutely ‘talking my language’, it is so freeing to know that you ‘really get it’, thank you so much for doing these very helpful sessions on this channel Dr Ramani.
*You work for 40yrs to have $1M in your retirement, meanwhile some people are putting just $5K into trading from just few months ago and now they are multimillionaires*
Oh really? Tell us more! Always interested in hearing stories of successes.
This is what Esther A Berg does, she has changed my life. After raising up to 60k trading with her
I know Esther A Berg, and I have also had success…
Absolutely! I have heard stories of people who started with little or no knowledge but managed to emerge victorious thanks to Esther A Berg
Wow, that’s inspiring. How can I contact Esther A Berg?
I’ve had all the final straws, but I’m still here…😢 I’m afraid of leaving because I don’t trust the court system to protect my kids. I’ve heard too many horror stories and I can’t risk letting my kids be a pawn in a legal battle or not being there for my kids when they need me. I have 3.5 years before my youngest is 18. 3.5 years to make a plan & build my strength.
Edit: Thank you for all your videos, they make all the difference for me since, I’m not allowed to seek therapy at this time. I actually feel like there’s hope!