You Escaped the Narcissist… So Why Don’t You Feel Better Yet?
After a narcissistic or toxic relationship, keeping busy can feel like progress—but is it really healing? Many survivors confuse distraction with recovery, mistaking productivity or busyness for joy. In this video, Dr. Ramani breaks down why numbing yourself with activity can keep you stuck—and how to recognize when you’re finally moving from mere survival to genuine healing. If you’ve ever wondered why life still feels flat even after leaving the narcissist, this one’s for you.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I’m in the middle of shadow integration; it is foreign ground, but I am embracing it and learning a whole new language.
I’m so proud of u!!!!! Shadow work truly changed my life ❤
🫶🏽 Thanks Dre Ramani I am in the between ! It’s so on time for me!
I do a lot of volunteer work and do a lot of overtime at work. I also grab every opportunity to attend events and meetups, just to stay busy and stay out of my comfort zone. My weeks are super busy to the point where I forgot how to sleep. I look at my schedule and realize, that I’m not actually busy because I love being busy. I’m busy because I’m scared of what happens when everything gets quiet. People often think I’m trying to be more social or that I’m bettering myself, but honestly, I feel like I’m just trying to outrun my own thoughts. If I keep showing up to things, I don’t have to sit alone with the hurt I’ve been carrying for years. When I have days where I have nothing to do in my schedule, I go into this existential crisis, asking myself what’s the point of all this? Why am I still here? What’s my purpose? When I’m out there connecting with people and doing stuff for my community, it’s not because I feel connected. It’s because the moment I stop, the loneliness and the emptiness hits me again really hard. At least staying busy makes me feel like I’m part of something. And if I keep moving, maybe I won’t think about the pain sitting under everything. The truth is, I’m not escaping the void. I’m just giving it less time to talk to me.
Outrun my own thoughts. I like that. Exactly. I realize I have been running my whole life. I would take geographic cures – I lived in CO, NJ, CT, WV, ME, VA (2 locations), DC. It usually took about 6 weeks for the demons to catch up with me. The most heartbreaking was when I moved to Denver. I was sooo happy for 6 weeks. Then I was taking a shower and it was as if a black shroud started at my head and fell over my body. I heard the old voice in my head say “Who the hell do you think you are?” I tried so hard to hold on to my happiness but just watched it slip away and I became like a zombie for the next two years.
I did the running too. Then my body said: no more. I was forced to sit still. I can handle it better now. But what I’m missing is clarity and direction. I just feel … lost? I definitely don’t want to go back to where I was. I like my life and myself better now, even with these difficult feelings. What I don’t like is the fog, and I feel confident it will be better on the other side, but I want to know when and how I’m going to get there. And I hope I’m not wrong and stuck on this limbo state forever. When I look back I see I made strides. But it’s hard to see it when looking ahead of you and you can’t see the road.
@Kateee4444 Exactly. My solace is that I found a woman whose ex mother-in-law took narcissism to a new level. She has supported me in my decision to cut ties for good with my last surviving narcissist family member. I know exactly how you feel about looking into the abyss. Who the heck am I or who would I have been if I had not been raised in a family like that?
I feel I AM healing. I feel sad that this relationship wasn’t viable, but I have a great therapist and am exploring WHY I make poor choices with regard to men. Actually, it’s father-wound, and while I forgave my Dad, the wound is still present and this relationship has brought it to light-a gift in a way.
💯💯💯
For me, healing from having dealt with a narcissist was like healing from a dislocated and fractured ankle. You may have reconstructive surgery to get you on the road to recovery but until full recovery it’s still agonizingly painful on a daily basis. And even after recovery, years later when it’s humid or cold, sometimes your ankle still hurts a little.
Best example form me.
I always say it felt like an exorcism 😢 I was in it for 18 years and I was a shell of a human when I left. I love your analysis too!! Ur soo right. It takes a lot of time
As a fellow survivor, your metaphor works well for me.
Every video of Dr. Ramani i watch for 10 times on repeat
A break up with a friend or end of a relationship is like grieving the loss of a beloved friend.
It truly is. It sometimes can be very heavy for a long time ❤
Different people process things differently therefore one persons journey will not be the same as others experiences
Wow I needed to hear this after my seperation. Thank you Doctor Ramani!
Thank you 🙏 so much for your help and support ❤️ God bless you ❤️🙏
why don’t i feel better yet: ✨ PTSD ✨
Hi Dr Ramani, ❤
Some of us goes through some darker forms of abuse. The psychopathic abuse.
We need more content on YouTube about this.
We feel very lonely, and maybe some people will recognize themselves, if they have a psychopath around them too. We’d love to hear your thoughts on that one day, Dr Ramani. Your videos are helpful. Thanks🙏
They are still the same. But I’m leaning towards like the other narcissist are lighter. Not so life threatening or as dark. But any narcissist can turn dangerous.. they can intertwine seems to my experiences.
I am trying to post more content on the darkness and psychopathic abuse that comes along with narcissistic abuse. I am a new YouTuber but I will def make one on this one ❤
I don’t fear them changing now that I’m gone; I fear them staying the exact same and putting another person through the torment they put me through.
Oof this one 😢 my ex (after 18 yrs together ) had a new 24 yr old gf he was throwing in my face and introducing to MY sixteen year old niece TWO weeks after I kicked him out for the physical abuse. He’s 42. They’ve been together a year now and I pray for her every night. She’s so young. Our eldest son will be 17 next month it was so hard to get thru. But she’s 1000% under his spell and it makes my heart hurt for her. Now I’m the “crazy ex”. His exs tried to warn me in the beginning. I was 18. I believed him 😢
@LucidLala That is awful, I’m sorry. ❤
I think the best thing to do in order to heal is to accept the harsh truth of them never going to change no matter what, and for you not having to prove yourself to them anymore. I am not saying that this would happen in a blink of an eye, you will suffer throughout the process and the faster you accept this fact the faster you heal and the slower you accept it the more pain you experience if not going to create new wounds as many narcissists don’t leave you alone even after ruining your life and they still think that you have to prove yourself to them in hope that you rebuild the relationship again, so don’t be fooled!
Thank you for this brilliant and important video! ❤ It’s like the Universe itself sent me this video as a blessing in exactly the right moment. Yesterday I set “the last boundary” towards a covert narcissist that I’ve been raised by for 40 years. I’ve been on this path before- shaking while trying to escape and get out. But every time I’m being pulled back again, and years have now passed. Yesterday though I was ready to confront, to finally reveal the truth, and for the first time I wasn’t hurt when the circus of the predicted reaction from the covert narcissist started. It didn’t make me shake, it didn’t make me shrink, I didn’t feel guilty, I didn’t absorb the shaming- because I was done. And ready. Trained. Prepared. Done. For 40 years I was obligated to carry that hysterical chaos- that was never mine to carry- a small innocent and lovable child, terrified for even breathing next to the person that brought her to life- I broke that illusion yesterday. It was never my role to fix anything that was that broken. This morning I woke up feeling empty. It was a silent feeling of vacuum I’ve never experienced before. Like a storm that’s been going on so long you can’t even remember a blue sky- and suddenly it’s quiet and still. Inside. Outside. Then the grief came. The guilt. The feeling that I want to run back… into those arms I always thought were loving, warm and caring. Then the hurting slap hit again. There was never a loving embrace to keep me safe. That belongs to the illusions.
Today I stepped out into the “new” world- sore, scared, confused but still steady, and I got something I’d like to call a taste of “freedom”. Today the world has responded to me with kindness, smiles, support and respect, because the world responded to MY energy. The world saw ME. MY expression. MY perspective. MY belief. MY love. MY life. And then I felt “I’ve got this. I am on my way”. But now Christmas is coming up in a week… and I am worried about falling back into the trap, since the constellation is one covert narcissist, one prey that is about to get out and figure out that life can be joyful (me) and one prey that still acts like a slave. So the push and pull will occur. My whole body screams just by the idea of knowing I have to go there. If anyone has some useful, supporting advice on how to deal with this, please let me know. I’d appreciate it so much. I have no one to talk to, so sharing with people that have been or are in the same boat as me would mean the world to me. Take care of yourself and remember- you are loved, you are seen, you are heard and you are worthy. You are a survivor! ❤
Just don’t go if you can. Wait until your armor is stronger. Find somewhere else to go or be with. I totally relate to you and have just recently filed for a divorce. We can do this!!!
@nannygranny9534Thank you for your response ❤🙏 I have no other place to go- no friends, no partner, no other family, no colleuges, nothing except one sibling that will be there for Christmas too. My narcissist has made me very isolated and therefore I have no one by my side… at least not yet. So I have to go there, also to not abandon my sibling. I guess I have to armour up.
I wish you all the best on your journey and happy that you are about to separate and find peace and freedom❤
There is a COLLOSAL Sadness after realizing they are Never going to change No Matter How many Future Faking ‘promises’ they make and wonderjng how much time, energy, and precious resources were Lost while we Struggled waiting for the false ‘promises’ to ‘materialize’. It’s a Grief So Deep there are No Words. Literally.
THIS IS what I felt. I didn’t even wanan get out of bed 😢and I’m a single mom of 5 now – he refuses to help me financially to spite me/ and I had no choice but to get out of bed. I always say it felt like an exorcism- lots of crying, lots of snot LOL even sometimes throwing up. I literally couldn’t fathom it all. 😢 I was w him since I was 18 yrs old (I’m now 37 and I left a year ago). What helped me was understanding trauma bonds and narcissistic personality disorder. The knowledge was my power. Ots insane what it does to our brains and nervous systems !
How this video came at this exact moment is scarily on point.
Thank you for this. I have just recently filed for a divorce after 34 years of marriage. Your help got past the fears and now I feel so much lighter and that is life ahead. One question I had of myself was can I ever be happy again. You have shown me I can. Thank you
Dr Ramani, you’re so awesome!❤ May God continue to bless you.
To have her as your therapist would be the greatest