12 Harsh Truths About How Men Love (That He’ll Never Say Out Loud)
He goes quiet and you read it as coldness. He pulls back and you read it as leaving. But almost every one of these is a fear he has that looks, from the outside, like something he's doing to you.
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A while back I made a video called 10 Harsh Truths About How Men Love, and the comments surprised me. Nobody was arguing. Women were writing things like "oh." They'd spent twenty years reading a man completely backwards.
So here are twelve more. And what makes them harsh isn't that they're insults. It's that each one takes something you've experienced as him failing you, and shows you the fear underneath it.
This one might reframe a relationship you've already had.
▼ IN THIS VIDEO ▼
→ Why one sentence scares him more than your anger ever could
→ The reason he can't hear criticism and affection in the same breath
→ What he's doing for months before he ever says he's leaving
→ He'll tell you the truth once, and what you do next decides if there's a second time
→ The day he really finds out what your love is made of (it isn't a good day)
→ Why men don't fall out of love, and what they fall out of instead
→ What he's watching for the moment he lets you see him
→ Why being respected and being loved feel like the same thing to a man
→ The difference between being wanted and being missed
→ The ceiling on how much he can love you, and who sets it
→ How he can love you deeply and still not be able to stay
→ Why he'll never quite believe you chose him, unless you keep choosing him
If you've been searching for why men pull away, why men go quiet, how men really show love, or understanding male psychology in relationships, this is the insider breakdown.
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▼ RELATED VIDEOS YOU'LL LOVE ▼
🎥 10 Harsh Truths About How Men Love (That Nobody Tells Women) —
🎥 7 Things That Make a Man Commit to You (That Have NOTHING to Do With Love) —
🎥 8 Things Men Notice When You Do Too Much for Him —
▼ ABOUT MAT ▼
Mat Shaffer is a dating and relationship coach for women. He helps women understand the way men actually think, feel, and connect, from inside the male mind.
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▼ CHAPTERS ▼
0:00 What makes these truths "harsh"
1:34 1. He's more afraid of disappointing you than of you being angry
3:02 2. He can't hear criticism and affection in the same conversation
4:14 3. He grieves the relationship months before he leaves it
6:35 4. He'll tell you the truth once, and your reaction decides if there's a second time
8:52 5. He measures your love by how you handle his failure, not his success
10:44 6. A man doesn't fall out of love. He falls out of hope.
12:38 7. He's watching what you do with his vulnerability
14:39 8. Being respected and being loved feel like the same thing to him
16:11 9. He needs to be missed, not just wanted
18:08 10. His love has a ceiling set by how he feels about himself
19:34 11. He can love you deeply and still not be able to stay
22:10 12. He'll never quite believe you chose him unless you keep choosing him
24:25 Final Thoughts
💬 Which of these twelve did you learn the hard way? Tell me below 👇🤍
Okay, confession: number one is embarrassingly true for me. You can be furious with me and I’ll be fine by dinner. But say “I’m not angry, I’m just disappointed”? I’ll be in the garage reorganising a toolbox at 9pm, doing a full review of my character. (Forty-four years old. Still works every time.) 😅
So tell me: which of these twelve did you learn the hard way? Or is there one you think I got completely wrong? I want to hear it. I read every single comment. 💛
And if you want to know how the man in your life is actually experiencing you, here’s my free 2-minute quiz. It’s a little scary how accurate it is 👇
https://matshaffer.typeform.com/to/ZFhuDDN5?utm_source=youtube&utm_medium=video&utm_campaign=12-harsh-truths&utm_content=pinned
Excellent discussion
Glad you enjoyed it! What part resonated with you the most?
12 blown me away
Ha, glad it hit that hard! Which one surprised you most?
As for no.4 – about what if he sees something “kinky” on tv and asks you about it: how do you navigate it if you’re not into it or it’s a boundary of yours without causing him to shut off and “not tell the truth more than once” as you said it?
Thanks for sharing this!!! Love you💖!!!! Is there anything else that you can share about this subject?? I really do want to understand men. I have someone who I’m constantly thinking and praying about.
So glad it’s helping!! Watch the first harsh truths video linked at the end of this one, then my entire “how men fall in love” playlist !
Mat, you do not need 1 year to decide if the woman you are with can be / or not be the mother of your kids! You need a lot less for that, before causing emotional damage and wasting someone’s time and feelings.
The example you gave is an absolute BS! 😂
But thank you for the rest of info. Quite insightful points there.
I hear your frustration, and I agree that waiting too long can lead to unnecessary heartache; what’s your take on the ideal time to know for sure?
Guess what, this applies to women too 100%
I totally believe it!!
I am glad to learn about these truths and apply this knowledge for future relationships.
So glad it’s helpful for you! What are wanting to apply first??
I forget the number but, I want to apply the vulnerability in a man I think it shows so much strength in a man to express his feelings and I would want a man to feel completely safe with expressing his feelings.
I feel that when a man shows his vulnerability, especially to a woman, that shows so much strength and I care enough to keep any fear completely confidential not to spread it around to make him feel bad but that hid thoughts and fears are safe with me.
brilliant – thanks very much – God bless you!
Number 3 applies to women too. Sure there are women who make a loud noise and threaten to leave all the time. Those of us who are quieter just leave and when/if we say goodbye we have already shed all the tears we are going to shed over this relationship. Beware the woman who has gone silent in the relationship.
There have been times when he has made remarks about me marrying someone else. When he would say that I would respond with, “Who? Who else would I have if I didn’t have you?” That may not be the best answer but it quieted the remarks and he finally, after several years, quit saying it.
These all make perfect sense but I know I haven’t thought about them in literal terms. Thank you. Sort of explains why things I did that I thought were silly might seem to mean so much to him. Yeah, I stole his shirt… I thought it just made me happy. 🙂