Why YOU started lying after dating a narcissist
Ever feel like you’ve become someone you don’t recognize—lying, hiding, or manipulating just to keep the peace? This video explores why even the most honest people end up bending the truth in narcissistic relationships, and how shame and survival twist reality in toxic systems.
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
LISTEN TO MY PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts:
Spotify:
Stitcher:
iHeart Radio:
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
You may have discovered how being honest, open and vulnerable with someone can make you susceptible to being manipulated and exploited. Since then, you may have decided to be more guarded about your truth and emotions, out of a fear of being manipulated again.
I have literally been working through this lately and realized I lie over INSIGNIFICANT things. Like, bending the truth to make it easier to explain or to sound less vague, like I already have the answers. Dated a narcissist and at least one parent is one. This makes so much sense because I personally hate being dishonest but I do it when I’m uncomfortable. And again, it’s for basically unimportant things, like explaining why I didn’t do a chore around the apartment or why the grocery store was out of a product when I went there.
I’ve been catching it and forcing myself to just say exactly what I know or experienced and it’s been such a strange experience but very freeing.
It’s because they go on a mission to use your vulnerabilities against you.
Tbh, I open with honesty and openness, it’s authentically who IAM, if someone 💩’s on that, then I know who they are very quickly.
Most of my lies in this system was more to prop him up in a social or family setting. Taking the blame for anything that isn’t perfect so he looks good. Because if I even said any truth I would be “tearing him down”
My mother had me lying, by telling me “don’t tell your father”, lying by immission, to keep the peace. My feelings didn’t matter.
Lying becomes a defense mechanism, a tool for survival.
Unfortunately if you are a kid growing up with a narcissist it becomes second nature. It’s sad.
Absolutely not always. Some become overly Honest trauma dumpers.
My daughter got a job last year. Lied about where the job was because she didn’t want her father showing up. As she expected, he showed up at the place she lied that she was at. She was on call for 2 weeks and didn’t work, which sucked because this was only a summer job. She went “to work” every day, hiding out in a park, rain or shine, so she didn’t have to hear about it from her father.
I found it very difficult to do as a kid. I was drawn to TV shows that exemplified integrity, honour, morals and empathy. I found lying a difficult concept. Problem with that was, I projected these traits onto people who didn’t deserve them. A funny one, my father was always on a whim using me like a TV remote control, a personal shopper for sweets, lemonade, etc.. he sent me to get him an ice cream and I was running because he could get angry, I dropped the top off the cone and the ice cream landed on the ground. I scooped it up stuck it back in the cone, wiped it a bit and took it to him(I was so scared he would go crazy at me, if he knew I’d dropped it, he was a frightening man in his rages). He took it and looked quizzical and I heard crunching! I didn’t get all the grit off after all. Makes me laugh now, was the first time I’d ever lied to him, by immission.
This is my awful truth. You are brilliant , Dr. Ramani. Thanks. This is me.
A lie can be an act of omission. The whole lifetime of having a parent who willingly lies and truth telling gets you in a whole new set of problems. People who won’t acknowlege and cast a blind eye are still supporting a lie.
This in a social media world is insanity.
I lied to people outside the relationship. I told them I was okay, that the relationship was great.
Can you tell me if the narcissist himself files a divorce case then how can we save ourselves from his conspiracies in court and what should we do when we do not want to give divorce? Please guide me?
@saurabhtyagi-cd4kq I don’t know. I left him almost 10 years ago, went no contact, but we are still married! Maybe you can post your question in the main comments for suggestions from other listeners?
@KittyClaw13 I lied to myself thinking that, in spite of all the problems, I would get through to her and everything would be OK in the end.
@diegobonaparte86 I tried that for seven years. But things got worse, and he became more violent. In the end, I felt like my life was in danger.
I was born in a narcissistic home. Malignant narcissist mom, covert narcissist dad. 2 sisters also narcissistic. I really stood my ground and I never lied even though it made my life easier. But now I’ve started to do so. I haven’t been feeling good but after this video I finally found some peace
Thank you Dr. Ramani. I’ve experienced plenty of lying including lying to myself when I was married to a narcissistic substance addict. Please educate more on the manipulative addict. Thank you
Taking the long way home just to clear my head and then lying about what took me so long. Yep.
Oh gosh yeah! ❤ I love me a good long drive home with some good music to clear my head!!!
You are so right! It’s called survival.
So true. And one of the worst parts about it is that I have gotten so good at lying after all these years, though I still dislike doing it. But the most dangerous person to keep lying to is yourself. Glad I’m finally able to be more honest with myself.
Being in a constant state of anxiety dating a narcissist makes you conscious of ever thing you say to them. You lie not to trigger them and you lie to your friends and family when they go silent. So glad my nervous system triggered me into survival mode by going no contact. Survivor!
This is spot on. It has been essential to lie to avoid my narc husband’s extreme rage. I hate it.
That happened to me in my last relationship, to avoid their rage.
You start lying when you realise being truthful gets you into trouble. As a kid my father was always accusing me of lying, I wasn’t, I was a truthful kid, sensitive and full of empathy. In the end I had to start lying to survive his rages, but even then I rarely did. My mother has always acted like I’m hiding stuff, what happened, I then started hiding stuff to survive her insatiable scrutiny and getting her passive aggression contempt and disdain. What I also realised is they’re liars, lying to themselves and to me. With old age they now forget their last woven web of lies and come out with a different one, always to fit their narrative (which always boils down to me bad them good). I hate lying, I did my thesis nearly 30 years ago bizarrely on lying, maybe I unconsciously knew without knowing. It hurts to know your family are liars.
I learned to compulsively lie because they used everything against me. It hurts less to have something untrue used against me.
God, do your words speak to me! This is a massive piece of it for me. To have my actual character/history be rewritten on a whim (to be believed by the ones who are unaware) felt like a spiritual assault. I get along by giving the vaguest responses & keeping the attention on my narcissists…the way they like it.
I lie about my plans for the future, so nobody has a chance to quash my dreams.
Smart. I made the mistake of being honest — and got my aspirations stomped on by narcissistic parents
This was the system I grew up in. I’m grateful to you explaining it so that I understand ❤
The thing I took away from this is that I have NEVER been able to be 100% my authentic self in any relationship.
As soon as my stepdad came on the scene with me and my mom, I started lying. I’d never ever lied in my short 8-year life before. I think I was at first just afraid of the unknown man – I don’t know. I once got slapped for glancing at the TV that was on in the room after being punished for something and “grounded” from watching TV. I was 8 years old! In the last few years, I’ve lied to others about my narc son, like why I helped him again or why I let him in my house. It sucks. I finally am not speaking to him anymore.
OMG! I feel this deeply! I do it just about every single day. I’m so tired. I just want to be free.