Why Narcissists Aren’t “Evil Monsters” (and Why That Matters)
It might feel satisfying to call narcissists “evil monsters,” but that language can actually keep you stuck. When the good moments blur with the bad, those extreme labels don’t capture the real complexity—and can leave you questioning yourself even more. In this video, Dr. Ramani unpacks why the words we use matter and what you need to pay closer attention to instead.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Getting abused and then having someone make you feel crazy is a special kind of hell.
It takes a special kinda evil to create that hell. Even after i escaped, i still live in my own hell now.
👌👏👏👏👏
Agreed👍
… True That!… peace on☕😊🙏💜🇺🇸✌️⚓
Yes it is. ❤. It’s horrendous
That smirk they get when you’re on the floor crying sure feels like pure evil to me, just saying. Anyone who takes pleasure in causing others pain is a monster in my eyes, regardless of their trauma.
I could not agree more, brother (or sister) ..
Agreed 👍. Definitely. Well said ❤
Omg… yes… seen it. 2 days ago….
Agreed! 💯
It’s a reason not an excuse.
There is absolutely no middle ground, all they do is push your buttons to the maximum then make your reaction the problem, then abuse you for that reaction, then keep on demanding apology but never apologize for the abuse they started in first place, absolute monstrous behavior, then when you push back being a human they threaten to leave you and give you silent treatment, absolute mess, you being survivor try everything to make relationship work they try everything to sabotage it
I tend to believe in that too. Theres no mildness in narcissism… theres a temporary safe period before they escalate and they will escalate either because of external circumstances or your decisions or any kind of whim of their own. Actually I think they are possessed by monsters and evil and thats the most clear truth to me as the skies are blue. They are set to destroy people either harshly and quickly or slowly and mildly, the result is the same.
That about sums it up! They act like a child.
Like they keep insisting it’s an “us” problem or a communication problem, but I know what it’s like to solve conflicts and differences with a normal person, and being a non-narcissist myself I know I don’t give an unfairly intolerable time to other people going through conflict with them. Most of the conflict is them getting mad because I don’t take accountability for things that aren’t my fault, or me holding any essential boundaries or standards which they try to banish. Without them there wouldn’t be a problem, and it makes them so mad when someone won’t eventually give in to agree with them. But they will keep trying
Take them all to the bus station
@larrybulthouse455Lol
My older sibling delighted in hurting others his entire life. I believe evil exists because I was forged as a child in the furnace of his cruelty.
Being an unwilling sacrifice to another’s ego or fun as a child can’t be called anything else.
And the most scary thing is most people don’t have any idea about it!
Narcissists are banking on the fact you don’t. They love it. Evil monsters
Covert😮
I think of them as hollow people. They are so far from their authentic selves that there seems to be no “there” there. Certain programs and apps were never installed in the first place, Or they were, but. never downloaded.
This was a super good video!
It feels like these people live their whole lives without ever getting to know themselves. It’s beyond sad. And another thing that is sad, are all the mental and physical problems have because of the abuse.
Yeah very empty and hollow ❤
@linnnea8171So sorry to hear ❤. Yes their cruel abuse causes mental and physical trauma health problems. Hope you get better. ❤️🩹
Hi Dr. Ramani. I just want to say thank you so much. I would say I am dealing with a legitimate monster, not that I care about the labels. It’s been 30 years of hardcore abuse, dealing with raising a child with a narcissist co-parent. I didn’t think it was possible to be any more sad, hurt, and traumatized, but I have just received a brand new, fresh abusive wound. I don’t even know how it was possible to find any soul in me left to harm, but they did. Anyway, you are a lifeline. You are the only one who understands. All my friends and fam are just more gaslighting, like I’m the problem. NO ONE ever ever ever says Gee, do you think the problem could be abuse? even counselors. I have had 10 counselors over a lifetime, and I realize now that every time I talked to them, I was trying to explain abuse, and not once did any of them or anyone ever say the problem was abuse; they all just protected the abuser, still even now. I think there should be a new term- “sadistic gaslighting” because it seems like they enjoy the gaslighting… Anyway, my son had another suicide attempt, but no one ever looks at the abusive parent. How is there more pain in me left to extract? Thank you… You are a lifesaver
❤❤❤
I love you, Dr. Ramani, but I found this video to be counterproductive and off-putting. I get what you’re saying about not throwing around labels, BUT some people need and deserve the label of narcissist… and some of those narcissistic folks also deserve the label of monster. Simply because a narcissist isn’t showing their monstrous side on a particular day doesn’t mean they aren’t a monster. Speaking as a woman who was raised by a narcissistic mother whose monstrous side would unpredictably come and go. I used to excuse her awfulness because she would confusingly be loving sometimes, but only by realizing and making myself remember the extreme damage she was doing to me, only then could I get away from her. I think you meant to say something about survivors being confused about a narcissist being both good and bad, but it comes across as telling us a duck shouldn’t be called a duck– even if it quacks and walks like a duck. Some people deserve the label of narcissist and monster.
Agree with everything you wrote. The reality is we need to clearly define evil and monster. Many narcissists feel no remorse for the sadistic way they treat their victims. Many are insidious with their abuse. Some feel great joy in doing whatever they can to control their victims lives. That’s pretty evil to me. I’ve had multiple narcissists in my life over the years. Most never made any effort to stop their abusive behaviors. Most acted like they had no control over it and would victim shame anyone who would call it out. Many would go out of their way to continuously attack anyone who spoke up and do whatever they could to destroy the truth tellers’ lives. That’s evil. Evil is a fine word to use if it is used appropriately. Some of these people are indeed evil. Some of these people do indeed lack the capacity to be fully human. Some of these people are nothing short of monsters. Society needs to be able to call these people evil instead of making excuses for their behaviors and limited brain functioning. Otherwise we get people in positions of power who do not lead with heart and empathy and instead manipulate and destroy without being held accountable. We already see it rampant in politics and business as well as other industries. Evil people exist, and there are more of them than the average person is comfortable with admitting.
What about those people who can’t stand having a narcissist around them because they feel drained, exhausted, stressed, with headaches and even panic attacks? My body reacts immediately.
It’s our trauma.. especially being the narcissist is what traumatized us.
@SherryTomlinson-r2yI’ve never been traumatized by narcissists before. Everything was fine in my life. It happened to me with the first one I met. In early stage . After few days . And the last one. Now I know how to recognize them.
@SherryTomlinson-r2yI don’t understand how someone can live with someone for so long considering these physical and mental manifestations?
@Tanja-g3fI was born into it. I don’t understand it. It’s a trauma bond. They create it and they are the rescuer and the abuser- plus learned helplessness other factors too , like family , children.. Brainwashing !
@Tanja-g3fwe’re conditioned to tolerate it from childhood. It’s what’s normal to us. They start out subtle.
“Evil” and “monster” might not be technically accurate or clinically useful descriptions, but I think there is power in survivors using strong language to condemn the abuse they experienced. My heart doesn’t have a more accurate word than “evil” to describe what happened to it.
I agree it’s past being just ugly it’s evil !
“It’s essentially not them, it’s their behavior that’s the problem,” Dr Ramani says, but what causes that behavior? It boils down to evil or good in the end, in MY opinion. I like to keep things simple, so when the narcissist starts raging, manipulating, whatever, I just shrug and say to myself “They’re evil, I can’t expect anything better from them.” It’s actually a form of radical acceptance.
Read Scott Peck, People of the Lie. He deals with the spiritual side, as most psychologists/therapists are reluctant to use the word “evil” for fear of it being misapplied. Reading that book was a MAJOR revelation for me. It was a phase, sure, but super helpful in recovery.
I agree.
@paulsmit5702 “Read Scott Peck, People of the Lie. …”
I was a big fan of M. Scott Peck … until I read ‘People of the Lie.’
There he pretty much revealed himself to be a religious nutter. (If that’s what you’re looking, for then he’s your guy.)
Because I got so much out of Peck’s first books, I even checked out some of the ones after ‘People of the Lie.’ But Peck’s completely lost his grip on reality.
My dad and my brothers are evil monsters. I’m not gonna stop calling them what they are.
Me neither! If there is good in the world, there is EVIL!! And yes, there ARE monsters in the world!!! I agree with you! 💯
@deedeemarberry2672Agreed ❤. Definitely 👍. Well said ❤
They’re manipulative aholes. Selfish to extremes and has no remorse when they hurt you. They may pretend to care, but they do NOT.
The monster is the psychopath, sociopath, malignant narcissist! I get this ! I’ve experienced the differences. But even the lighter shade of narcissism.. not a monster? They can come to close for comfort for me !
To err is human, to deliberately torment and do evil is evil. We are what we do.
Exactly. It’s the intent. If they intend to do evil that makes them evil.
My patience is too thin for this. I’m gonna call them whatever I want because they’re over there making up whatever they want about me.
The best thing to do after dealing with these narcissist is to stay away from them. I have been in these relationships for years and these people do not change. The best thing to do is remove yourself and find people who are supporting and honest with you. They will lie and abuse you of things you did not do when you call them out. Move away, and don’t waste your time because they are not going to change.
Calling them monster is an insult to monsters. Frankenstein, Dracula, and werewolves annihilate you once. They don’t hold you and play with you. The moment I realized it was beyond monster behavior was when they started being nice to me when I pulled away. It hit me that the good times were part of the abuse, because it was funny to then to lull me back into a sense of safety and then hurt me again. A true monster would never.
Sorry, Doctor Ramani, but I can’t agree with you on this one. Perhaps we can say that narcissists aren’t evil in a religious understanding of evil, but they’re certainly evil according to certain philosophical understandings of evil. Philosopher Slavoj Zizek defined _evil_ as what he calls reverse envy. The best way to understand reverse envy is through deprivation/privation: Wanting to deprive others of their wants, hopes, dreams, and needs. Zizek sums this up succinctly with a reference to a quote from Genghis Khan: “It is not enough that I succeed; everyone else must also fail.” I personally cannot think of a better way to talk about the nefariousness of the narcissists that I’ve dealt with than that zero-sum, must-always-win, must-always-be-superior attitude and ambition. Narcissists want to deprive their victims of their wants, needs, hopes, and dreams. They want dominance, control, and superiority. They want to take and take and take for themselves at the cost of others. At least in the Zizekian sense, they’re downright evil.
It’s very fair to call them evil monsters. After years of chronic abuse that’s led to depression, chronic illnesses and the prospect of dementia in the future, a lifetime stolen of happiness, the duplicity of being being abused at home while everyone in public is treated with graciousness and of losing my home, children and savings, being clear about what they are is a major part of radical acceptance.
Evil behavior comes in varying degrees. Which means it exists in everyday interactions. Shaming people for using ANY word that helps them recover from narcissistic abuse is its own form of evil because calling a spade a spade is where healing begins.