You ALWAYS need to be THE GROWN UP in your narcissistic relationship
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November 1-3, 2024
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The narcissist will want to be the adult, while they treat you like a child. But this dynamic never ends well. They’re not responsible. They take no accountability for themselves. They’re a disaster waiting to happen.
Have you EVER??? 👀🤯
My ex (Who to be fair was 10 years older than me) always called me immature.
Her being 10 years older than me and having 4 kids makes people believe it instantly.
The truth however… I’m immature because I don’t have a drivers license (I’m Dutch, we are a bicycle country, lots of adults don’t have licenses and the country is pretty damn small to begin with), I’m immature because I don’t conform to her unreasonable and selfish takes, I’m immature because I tell her when she isn’t doing the right thing as a parent (which she ALWAYS agrees with me being right, yet never changes it and keeps calling me immature while I’m being the example, her 3 teens backing me up as well), I’m immature because I had issues with how she is with her ex (still acting like partners, knowing he wants her back and her liking it and being untruthful and coercive to me. This dude was sent to jail for being a teacher that had multiple girls of 17 he was grooming and did all that while lying to her and always having on a mask of being perfect and doing things around the house and doing everything for her she wanted, or in other words he is a massive income of supply, but with a huge mask on that she can’t see through), I’m immature because I’m not rich yet, I’m immature because I come from a poor family that never had vacations so I “don’t know nothing of the world”, I’m immature because I had a rough past and don’t know how to be “normal” because I’m always on guard and missed out on a lot of “normal” things in life, I’m immature because I look younger than my actual age, etc. etc.
She was a self-righteous narcissist.
They look like adults, know how to come across as adults, but in reality they’re more like spoiled, hormonal teens.
@@RealMunkeyKung
You nailed it: when not getting their way or otherwise manipulating you, they will accuse you of being “immature” or “selfish.”
They, however, are like 5 year olds. Scary as heck, though, when a powerful 6″6′ adult is having a tantrum.
Dangerous, too.
@@cathytai Indeed, calling me selfish was also one of her favorites 😅 They actually went hand in hand often times: “You’re so immature, that’s why you’re so selfish.”
That is very scary yea… And they use that to intimidate or brute force (“Well what you want to do about it?” knowing you can’t overpower them) as well…
I’m lucky I was the dude in the relationship… She would never try to attack or threaten me.
Female narcissists mainly have to resort to dirty mind-games for that reason (manipulation, playing the victim, twisting words, triangulating, etc.), which also makes them fly under the radar more easily.
Everything has it’s plusses and minusses heh heh 😅
Hoping you’re no longer in such a situation.
They want you to be their adult when they need your services and behave like a child
When you’re with a narcissist, it’s hard to tell if you’re their partner or babysitter. It’s exhausting when you’re the mature one in the relationship, and they’re stuck in a perpetual state of emotional immaturity.
So true.
And they accuse you of being immature
After our kids were born, he said “I think of you more as a mother now than a wife.” Buh- bye.
I refused to even volunteer to take care of them and they lost it
So very true!!
They’re grown-up children who throw tantrums to get their way.
My narc uncle promised their daughter they wouldn’t try to control her wedding if she let him pay. He then proceeded to not “tell her” to uninvite me because I’m not taking care of grandma , he’s just going to have him and grandma constantly freak out daily to the point she thinks they will start fights.
He “won” and felt good.
I have a hunch his daughter now views him as the man who lied to pay for the wedding, abused her and took advantage of her kindness, and will never feel he did that out of love.
Spot on as always, except only I get the aggressive side, everyone else gets the nice side.
My narc ex bewildered my lawyer and the divorce mediator by trying to fight over Lego sets while I focused on the adult tasks like the refinancing of the house, ownership of our pets, and all of the responsible tasks. It was so validating to see them both shaking their head over his childish antics
Total control, they utilize what they have and what you have without even batting an eye, they think what you are and have is there for them to use.
Yes. Don’t waste valuable time in thinking up solutions to their issues, whatever it is. I have never, ever seen a narcissist act on any advice I’ve given. They are much too bitter and petty for that. They go straight back to dominant control mode.
Corrected by. ☑️
It’s exhausting being the responsible one, so I chose to be alone assuming all the responsibilities.
I thought that was insightful also.. it is EXHAUSTING being the responsible one..& even 3 years out I’m still exhausted! Of course my life got shredded in the “escape” which is no picnic. But never again!!
@@lynylcullen8370 wishing you the best!
Good for you 👍 Love and blessings 🙌 😊
I agree! When the narc ex moved out, I realized I was doing all of it all along because my workload stayed the same after they left.
@@marissa6425 No longer living with someone who in addition to doing nothing, had the audacity to criticize my handlings!
My narcissistic ex once said in rage “Be a grown up!” I calmly responded “An adult should be able to control their emotions.” She then stormed off.
Touche 😂
great rebuttal!
-cheers, steven
Good Comeback!!
lol good one
I used to know a horribly virulent narcissist who used to tell me “grow up” whenever I used to get mad if he offended me.
100% my childhood and my adulthood 😢 trying to heal and have the strength to break free.
Even if you have the capacity and ability to do an adult repair or project, they will find a way to mess it up. They will blame you for THEIR mess up, too.
They don’t want you to do anything that could possibly make THEM Look Bad in any way. If you begin in front of them or complete a project, they will say, ” I was just going to do that,” or “Do YOU even know what you are doing?”
Every aspect of your inner self is questioned, berated, belittled and destroyed. I know this for a fact. I am rebuilding and I am stronger than ever before. I am also very mindful of my actions. I do not want to upset or unsettle things. This time, it is for my peace, my aspirations and my soul. 😊
Spot on.
That’s just what I’m finally doing,it’s so liberating & stress free! Thank you for sharing that, pls continue to thrive,my prayers are with you!
This is why we’re so tired all the time. They’re actively, constantly and consistently fighting to make the relationship dynamic fail.
The narcissist in my life always said, “you treat me like a child”. My response, “stop acting like one”.
Excellent response! lol
Same scenario here. Same response from me too
100% fact! I got tired and resentful of being the adult and responsible one. I had already raised my children. I didn’t need one as a partner.
you can repeat back whatever they are saying in an attacking way, but change it to make them responsible for it instead. so if they say “of course you haven’t made dinner! you only ever think of yourself!” and you say “oh it sounds like you’re upset because you’re hungry and don’t want to have to cook for yourself.”
talk to them like the child they are, but put the responsibility back in their hands and leave them to solve it.
cheers from southern ontario, canada 🍁
My mother earned her bachelor’s degree, but my step father wouldn’t allow her to take a professional, well-paying, job because “it would put them in a higher tax bracket”. 🙄 She worked a series of low paying jobs with no opportunity for advancement that worked for his schedule. In addition to working full time, she did 95% of the work around the house, including most of the mowing. He controlled the money, though, because he earned the majority of it. She had little say in how it was spent.
This happened with my ex’s . I thought they were independent guys, only to find out they were super irresponsible, and so I had to take responsibility for things like working, driving, paying bills, trying to make healthy choices, and getting insurance things sorted, only to be overpowered controlled critisized minimized abused and gaslit by them. I was told I ‘emasculated’ them because I had to take responsibility for things they couldn’t do like pay our rent. Even with my family, I over sacrificed my life to help them with their issues, only to be criticized, judged, shamed, controlled, minimized, treated like a child, and gaslit by them too. Super messed up. Not believing the lies. I am a good mature healthy responsible person but am not responsible for them. So grateful for this community. Thank you Dr Ramani. ❤
Well, someone who has trouble paying the rent from a mental capacity standpoint, is far from a man. A relationship is both people reciprocating and loving each other and meeting each other’s needs. Those are hard lessons we have to learn when we are younger sometimes. In short, find a real man who complements your life, not complicates it.
OMG, so Brilliant. Had to immediately watch twice. Validation x100! I’m speechless. “Responsibility without the Power”, and this includes the many, many narcissists in my lifetime who zeroed in on my responsible nature and exploited it. No wonder we feel like we’re going crazy. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani, for putting the words to my suspicions that I am the one who painfully kept the trains running. No more Mommy Nice Guy.
I remember, right before leaving my narc husband, thinking I couldn’t stand being married to a child for one more second! When you start seeing other people who are actually adults in their adult bodies, it’s so refreshing 😌😊
The source of my lifelong anger right there! And then the first 14 years of being an adult I was gaslighting myself into believing my anger was invalid.
“Like being the only sober person in the room” – I have been in both these situations and they are very similar. You can’t relax or fully be yourself, because you are essentially babysitting adults. Exhausting.