Why setting BOUNDARIES after narcissistic abuse feels so UNCOMFORTABLE (and what to do)
Setting boundaries and advocating for yourself sounds like solid advice, right? But if you’ve survived narcissistic abuse, you know it’s anything but simple—it feels awful, messy, and sometimes downright impossible. In this video, I dive into why these things feel so uncomfortable, why your body and mind resist, and what it really means to fight for yourself in these moments. If you’ve ever felt like setting a boundary was more painful than staying silent, this one’s for you.
It may feel uncomfortable setting boundaries after narcissistic abuse, because for such a long time you were taught that you have no right to set boundaries. The narcissist made you believe you didn’t deserve to have any separation or anything else for yourself. Self-love and self-awareness is very important. These are two things the narcissist tried to take from you.
So true. Growing up whenever I expressed any feelings my mother would say “Don’t start, Mar.”
For the record- btw : Doctor Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D. And her tech staff & admin team: btw: thank you 😊: again: thank you 😊 ( USA 🇺🇸)
Oh my gosh, thank you for this video! I recently had a very similar experience. And, I’m so glad you’re validating my understanding of what happened.
The more we try to set boundaries the more they get aggressive just to feel superior.
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Unfortunately, yes…narcs have a magical way of turning your advocacy against you and make it your fault. 😩
True it’s a tough battle!
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Yep! My sister…🫤
Soon after my marriage, people used to tell me that “I” had to show my spouse how to treat me, that in a way I was responsible for being mistreated, but they didn’t know that I did try many times to stand up for myself and gently and politely ask for explanations or for the behaviour to stop. They didn’t know that the mere boundary-setting attempt on my part set him off. He would often become threatening and scary, so later I just learned to stay quiet to avoid his rage. (Thanks to online information from experts such as Dr. Ramani I finally separated from him after 8 years. )
The victim blaming and gaslighting from outsiders can be so rough
I have no issues setting boundaries after the narcissistic experiences I had with different relationships…marriage, dating, and family.
I learned and knowing myself especially being an Empath, I knew what boundaries I needed to instill. Yes, I have that healthy balance of not compromising my level of being an Empath while having boundaries in place.
I stick to those boundaries and never think twice about it.
Boundaries are for Me and are priceless.
Just another way to stay true to myself. ❤
Yes, you have to be your own advocate!! Good for you Dr. Ramani for standing up for yourself. The physical feelings you had afterwards is your body telling you, you are on the right path. Each time hereafter that you advocate for yourself, it will be gentler and gentler on your body. Trust me…been there, done that, and came out on the other side of the mountain!! 😊❤
You have an inner strength many of us don’t have or don’t know we have. Good for you. Self love turns into self preservation. You have held onto your self through it all. Wonderful
Locks are for honest people. Criminals always find away to get them off. When your with the right person, sometimes you don’t even need to verbalize your boundaries. Narcissists are will always be offended by your boundaries.
You pay the price of being a compassionate empathetic person.
Yeah..never again, i can no longer able to do that to new people. The wall is tall and thick as i can make it to be..
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💯 and it’s a shame we have been brought to this level just because we deeply care and want to be helpful❤️🩹☮️
Truly
Absolutely.
To a Narcissist yes, you put yourself at risk of suffering from their Verbal or physical abuse.
Your video here got me to thinking about my old mentor, and the importance of mentors. He was a crusty old guy with a foul mouth and a wild sense of humor, but he also taught me that I needed to stand up for myself, even if it didn’t feel good at the time. So good for you, Dr. Ramani! None of us was put in this planet to make everyone else happy at the cost of our own self-worth.
Now I need to apply my old mentor’s advice to myself more often.
The sense of been taking advantage is a trigger tô me as well.
Wow, this ending. You’re an angel on this earth. I hope you do a deeper dive into this subject. Thanks for being vulnerable and telling your very relatable story. You put these feelings into words and I’m grateful. God bless you Doctor
Me too❤
Setting boundaries always feels awkward to me, but sometimes it’s necessary! Remember your anger is the part that wants to protect you. I say embrace that inner “demon”, even if it feels uncomfortable. Practice makes perfect.
Couldn’t agree with you more on this. Know your worth, and that you are worthy. Let the healing continue. Thank you. You are a daily blessing to us all😊
Trust your gut. That knot that you always have in the pit of your stomach. The overthinking you have to do about every conversation or interaction. The thinking through how you’re going to have a conversation to get them to notice you or understand you… All of it is not normal. They will tell you that you’re overreacting or dramatic. They will tell you that you’re being overly sensitive… But you’re spot on.
Give yourself time to analyze and unpack the turmoil/living hell you lived in, but don’t live in the analyzing . I continued, and still continue, to realize… Oh… So this was all part of the narcissism too… it is so deep and sick that you could spend the rest of your life analyzing and unpacking it. You have to give your thinking some boundaries. I actually had to set a timer and tell myself… OK you get an hour to think about this today and then you’re doing what is on your agenda. Oh… and… make yourself an agenda or list and DO IT …. Sometimes I had to force myself just to brush my teeth and get a shower… But you must stick to some sort of schedule.
Forgive yourself for being vulnerable. I couldn’t get over the 23 years I had wasted. I couldn’t stop beating myself up for not being smarter and stronger quicker. I had to remind myself that I was the perfect match. As an only child of older parents, I was younger when they died and I had no family. His family became my family and he knew he had me. I had to remember my intentions were good and decent and God will honor what I did. I wanted to keep the family together and believe that no one could be as evil as his actions were showing me.
Make safe changes. You don’t want to make big changes like changing jobs or moving across the country, although there are people that have no choice and have to do this. But make small changes like your hair color. Drive a different way to work. Wear a different style.
As much as possible… spoil yourself. Do what you need to make yourself feel pretty or handsome. Order the decadent chocolate cake.
Never feel ashamed. I remember that some people treated me like I was that homeless person that they felt sorry for but if they didn’t look it would all go away. I was embarrassed and ashamed. The beautiful part about it is I found out who really does care about me. You don’t have to have a lot of blood relatives to have family. You will find the people that mean the most; There will be loyal friends who you can let yourself be raw with… let it happen.
Do no start looking for a relationship! I initially remember feeling as though I had to go out with people to feel desirable and flattered. I was in no way ready to be a partner to anyone until I could tell myself “You still got it girl!” and really believe it.
NEVER look back or second guess yourself! It will never get better if you go back. And they will try to get you back. There’s never break up with a narcissist. As long as you allow it, they will continually try to get in touch with you and lead up to begging you to come back. It feels flattering but it is empty and meaningless. My ex-husband who ended up with a very young girl who has emotional and mental problems (I was her mentor in our church) has recently tried to ask me to give him just “one more chance” 5 days after the girl broke up with him. Every single time he did this In the past, The forgive me speech and crying was the same and his behavior was even worse with each time I went back. This is an addiction for you.. not love and addiction is hard to kick. Speaking of addiction… be careful not to pick up any others … pills, alcohol, shopping
Train your thoughts. Don’t let the tail wag the dog. When you start to go down that path of negative thoughts and telling yourself life is going to be forever gloom and doom, remember that being apart from this monster is THE BEGINNING of a new life and the pain will lift.
You were more alone and in danger with them than away from them. That’s it… buoy…. Ya!
Take care of yourself. This healing needs all the healthy habits you can muster. When you’re feeling as though you’re having a strong moment, and you will see a pattern of times that you feel a bit stronger, pre-plan meals so that when you’re feeling really bad all you have to do is get in the refrigerator and heat something up. Put toothpaste on the brush so all you have to do is pick it up. Take melatonin to get rest. Take vitamins/supplements.
NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT NO CONTACT…. Forever… you are doing this to heal not to get a reaction out of them or try to get them to love you.
Keep talking to other survivors and remember that you are just that… A SURVIVOR. There will come a day that you will be helping others.
Never feel bad for them. My ex-husband‘s mask has finally come off and he can’t keep the façade up anymore. It is pathetic. My adult children know not to discuss what is going on with him with me and I don’t ask. Don’t ask!!! They will look for every opportunity to tug on your heartstrings.
Don’t wallow in thinking they are happy. They are desperately unhappy. They will never be happy and will delight in any weakness they see in you, so again…. ZERO ZILCH CONTACT or GRAY ROCK flat, noncommittal tone with as few words as possible.
Count your blessings I remember looking at everybody around me and thinking how happy and lucky everybody else looked. Everybody has stuff going on. Yours is just super big at the moment. So look for blessings . I thanked God for little things that weren’t so little… a job close to home, my frig worked, I didn’t catch a cold from my first grade class (again.. take care of yourself). Some days it seemed ludicrous that there was a blessing, but sometimes the blessings were the things God Prevented from happening.
Keep track of your progress. Three years away from my husband, looking back at my journey, I cannot believe how far God has brought me. You will be a new, better version of you if you don’t let the tail wag the dog.
Knowledge is power. Read everything you can about this but again… Set boundaries for yourself… don’t stay stuck
Boundaries boundaries boundaries I started to realize that I didn’t have boundaries set for myself at all. It was easy for people to tell me the way it was going to be and just assume that it would just be that way without me standing up for myself. Find confidence in putting your needs and emotional health first. You are not being selfish.
Additionally, If you need to find out about a cheating narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyHub@gmail. com
Spot on! Thank you for sharing ❤️🩹☮️
We set boundaries with an overstepping stepMIL after she lectured us about her assumptions of our life. She apologized after the damage was done and the trust was gone. She stopped talking to us after we respectfully but firmly stood up to her post apology. We only asked that we not have attacks on our character and be allowed to make adult decisions as 30+ year olds…. It’s been almost 2 years of silent treatment. Months later, she even posted online to family and friends that she is living her best life and removing toxic people. It was a good reminder that we made the correct decision to stand up for ourselves.
I start my day every day listening to you Dr. Ramani. You are the voice of sanity in an insane world. Thank you so much. You are truly courageous. God bless you.
Thank you for your example Dr. Ramani and for sharing your experience.
I just set a boundary last night…& boyyy was it overwhelming & filled with anxiety!!!! you’re always trying to find a way to avoid conflict & even when you say things in a calm manner they still try to make you out to be the bad guy.
Growing up my entire life I’ve been called by my middle name which is the same name as my mother… & my entire life as a kid hated being called by middle name by mother. I believe she calls me the middle name instead of my first, to try to make me a duplicate of her & that has never sat right with me. Last night I stood up for myself, took a deep breath twice & calmly said “Hey I know growing up calling me by middle name is something you did my entire life but I would like to be addressed by my first name.. I do not like being called by middle name because that is not my name”
She responded “Oh you don’t like that name?” I said “no I don’t like it & I want to be spoken to by my first name only”‘
within 5 mins later she says “Oh (middle name) are you using the oven?” I just looked at her & said “did you forget?” She responded “oh yea yea you’re gonna have to help me with that one…” as the night continues she calls me that name 15 MORE times. At this point I am annoyed & it dawned on me she will not respect my wishes, nor respect me & I am done dealing with her disrespect. I told my dad & he spoke up & said “you cannot keep calling someone a name they don”t want to be called” She reacted disgustingly as per usual & responded “Well I’ve been calling her that all my life! I don’t want to hear it!”
I was not shocked I must say, it really shows you how the narcissist can not take being told what to do & will go to great measures to try to make your life miserable by the smallest antics… after my dad spoke up she grilled at him in a snaring way & said “I’ll deal with you when you get back!”…
I’m starting to realize that I don’t want anything to do with her at all, & she will always be this way & I must continue to protect my peace & move with grace because I didn’t come this far to go back to the trauma & disrespect she’s caused in my life. I realized the more I speak up the more I will have to hear her nonsense & God knows I cannot take listening to a nasty/ugly spirit.
She has the nerve to claim she’s a Christian… maybe more like a soldier working for Satan!
Good luck to all the people who are working through the growing pains of relationships with narcissists… there is a light at the end of the tunnel! SAVE YOURSELF!!!
“I miss you.” That’s a tough one to hear for no and low contact. You have to hold the line and remind yourself they really don’t.
They miss what you give them: that supply.
My brain and body are still struggling with…. boundaries = potential danger, retribution, retaliation, resentment.
Setting them always felt like I was doing something wrong.
Thankfully, I am healing from this and I hope people reading this are healing, too.