Internal vs. External Boundaries with Narcissists (AND WHEN THEY BACKFIRE)
Setting boundaries with a narcissist doesn’t always lead to healthier behavior—in some cases, your boundaries may be challenged, weaponized, or even used to punish you. Learn the difference between external and internal boundaries, why traditional boundary-setting can backfire, and how setting limits with yourself can offer greater protection and control.
====================
MORE FROM DR. RAMANI
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
JOIN THERAPISTS ONLY (PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS)
VISIT MY WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES AND HOTLINES
====================
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Imagine being used as their punching bag for years or decades, and then you decide to stop that! They will keep trying to retrieve that bag.
Exactly. Let them keep punching air
🫶💯You commented perfectly❤️🤍🤍sᴇɴᴅ🤍🤍ᴍᴇ🤍🤍ᴀ🤍🤍ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛ🤍🤍ᴛᴇxᴛ±𝟷𝟿𝟶𝟺𝟺𝟺𝟿𝟷𝟺𝟼𝟾🤍 0:04 0:01
My Narcissist Ex comes calling once in a while, but after becoming Indifferent to him I don’t respond.
Sending healing love and kindness to all………… ❤
🫶💯You commented perfectly❤️🤍🤍sᴇɴᴅ🤍🤍ᴍᴇ🤍🤍ᴀ🤍🤍ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛ🤍🤍ᴛᴇxᴛ±𝟷𝟿𝟶𝟺𝟺𝟺𝟿𝟷𝟺𝟼𝟾🤍 0:04 0:01
❤❤❤❤
Oh yeah, narcissists hate boundaries. My NF literally told me, “your boundaries have cost you everyone who has ever cared about you.”
🫶💯You commented perfectly❤️🤍🤍sᴇɴᴅ🤍🤍ᴍᴇ🤍🤍ᴀ🤍🤍ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛ🤍🤍ᴛᴇxᴛ±𝟷𝟿𝟶𝟺𝟺𝟺𝟿𝟷𝟺𝟼𝟾🤍 0:04 0:01
That’s how it feels , but carrying on just isn’t worth it .
For narcissists to *truly* own you, they must *become* you.
What a great analogy. Emotional passwords to these people
🫶💯You commented perfectly❤️🤍🤍sᴇɴᴅ🤍🤍ᴍᴇ🤍🤍ᴀ🤍🤍ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛ🤍🤍ᴛᴇxᴛ±𝟷𝟿𝟶𝟺𝟺𝟺𝟿𝟷𝟺𝟼𝟾🤍 0:04 0:01
The narc isn’t even look at me when I talk. And he than worse upon worse push the buttons THE MORE!
🫶💯You commented perfectly❤️🤍🤍sᴇɴᴅ🤍🤍ᴍᴇ🤍🤍ᴀ🤍🤍ᴅɪʀᴇᴄᴛ🤍🤍ᴛᴇxᴛ±𝟷𝟿𝟶𝟺𝟺𝟺𝟿𝟷𝟺𝟼𝟾🤍 0:04 0:01
Boundaries I’m glad I set. Not allowing him to move in. (Yes, he started grooming the second supply, but it would have been agony if he was living in my house.). I let him drive my car…..huge mistake! Burn marks on the seats and scratches and dings all over. If this comes up for you, just say you are the only one named in your auto insurance. Don’t cross a line to be part of his company. It is confusing to customers and any concerns need to be articulated directly. You become the messenger who gets shot when you agree to “help.”
One other area where I refused to participate is participating in text arguments. He also knew I would hang up on him if he demanded something or was trying to argue with me. I have to laugh now, that after I found him with his new supply, that he tried to turn the argument around saying I was rude when he tried to call me and I hung up on him. Smh
I remember when I was running the family business and I said “No” to my mom.. All hell broke loose and she eventually got me out of the business.. The other part of that “No” was that I followed through.. Once I put my foot down I kept it down..
When I bought my condo I had multiple people tell me that I need to confront other people.. Those same people would walk away from me when I would confront those other people.. Now I walk away from those people.. My boundary is with “The Flying Monkies”
Bang on the money! They use everything for data.
I think boundaries started off as helping us people pleasers to discern what we will tolerate from others as well as what we like and don’t like. Then, it morphed into a tool of control for people, especially narcissistic types who want to blame and shame us into doing whatever they want us to do. Don’t let others use boundaries as weapons, and don’t weaponize boundaries yourself. I just had this happen by a family member with narcissistic traits, and the difference in definition and purpose became crystal clear.
Thank you. I always say “what has to happen to someone that they cannot say no?” Because saying no is something that a toddler naturally learns during normal childhood development. I was raised by a malignant narcissistic mother where saying no meant severe physical abuse or violent sexual abuse from her husband . So when people say just say no, I feel so infuriated. Someone who has “healthy boundaries” carries healthy family privilege, which means they had the privilege of a non toxic family. They shouldn’t lord it over those of us who had abusive or toxic upbringings
My father was a dark triad also. I didn’t verbally set boundaries but I was unwilling to be controlled by him anymore. This was way later in life. He became so crazy, I felt like I was dealing with someone who needs to go back to the insane asylum. I had entered the twilight zone !
No I have external boundaries and anyone especially a narcissist doesn’t like it eff them.
Thank you Dr. Ramani! There IS an inherent danger for us in setting boundaries. I feel that’s why it took me so long to do it. I had to get some distance, do some healing and then gather courage to quietly set boundaries that came from clarifying again what I want in my relationships.
My MIL organized a surprise party for her partner at my house (it’s more spacious than hers) and I found out about it from her friend the day before the party was scheduled to happen. The party went ahead as scheduled, and a few days later I privately and politely pointed out that in the future I should be included in plans happening at my house. Seems obvious, but she was very annoyed that I dared to speak to her about it and during the next year she tried in various ways to circumvent that boundary. The silver lining was that the incident provides me with a very obvious example of her covert vulnerable narcissistic behaviour. And I want to say a Huge thanks to you Dr. Ramani… you have no idea how much your videos have saved my life! I am beyond grateful!
Well, this hit the spot with me today, exactly what I’m going through, being right in the middle of two narcissists battling over boundaries and I end up being enemy number one for both of them! I can just feel the daggers in my back.
Hang in there, they’re showing you who they are… believe them, and who cares what daggers they want to stare at you (back or front).
The only boundary I ever set was him not badmouthing my mom in front of me. Yeah, you can imagine how well that worked.
That’s a very basic boundary, I’m sorry they had trouble giving you even that much. Very disappointing, I’m sorry. 😢
The analogy to the children in the backseat with the pinky over the line is spot on!
I told my narcissistic sister that I would only engage in small talk with her from now on since she can’t/won’t talk about authentic, meaningful family issues with me. Well, she just loved that request!
I set boundaries with my narc friend. He started to change and I was happy. Then I realized he was just adapting. Glad I cut that *ss wipe out of my life for good
Thank you! Setting boundaries hasn’t ever worked for me in any narcissist relationship Ive ever had.
I developed a reoccuring heart problem while living with my narcissistic mother. In setting boundaries, I have learned my family would rather me slowly die than have dignity. It was a hard wake up call to process.
Heart problem gone after estrangement.