The “Hammering” Tactic in Narcissistic Relationships
Why do narcissists keep repeating the same accusations or distortions — even when they’re not true? Over time, this relentless insistence can wear you down and make you question your own reality. In this video, we explore how this toxic pattern works, why it’s so effective, and what it reveals about narcissistic gaslighting.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Don’t defend don’t engage don’t explain don’t personalize
Greyrock method
My New Motto…like my peace at 60 more than I care to engage with my Narc person.
This is the way. When I finally figured out that I was in a relationship with a covert narcissist nearly 12 years into my hell of a marriage, one of the first books I read that began to equip me and help me to take my power back was “Who’s Pulling Your Strings” by Harriet Braiker. The gist of my takeaway from that book that helped me start taking my power back, was to not engage, not defend, and basically not give the narcissist any control of your emotional levers. Protect your emotional core and cut off all access to that.
Narcissists dislike people who disagree with them
I think you mean they hate anyone who disagrees with them.
@Antipaganda😂 you go girl
Narcissists also hate people who won’t deal with them and ignore them entirely. I’ll take that approach every single time.
“The TV with 1 Channel” and “You can never win”👌👌👌👍👍👍👏👏👏🙏🌷🕊💝🤗😇
He would always insist how others were the bad ones whilst he’d never done anything remotely naughty in his life. 🍒
Thank you so much for this video today. I have been caught in this circle, the hammering, the gaslighting, for the last 4 days via email exchanges with a “friend”. It began with them ghosting me twice in 5 months, and like clockwork turned into a diatribe about how difficult it is to be my friend when I pointed it out and asked what was going on. Oops, I fell for it, I got caught up in it, and I so needed this validation right now. This was my last attempt to reason with this person, and yes, I researched and printed out 7 years of letters and emails just to make sure that I am not crazy. I know better than this, but wow it is so easy to get sucked back into the dance. No more, I am done.
I’m going through the same thing with a long time “friend “. Thank you. I need to just end it once and for all
The part that gets me is that they said the same things so many times that you actually started to believe them. Not because they were true. But because when someone keeps telling you something long enough, your brain starts to wonder if maybe they are right. I thought I was losing my mind. Turns out I was just exhausted from fighting a version of reality that was never real to begin with. If you are sitting in the comments right now wondering if you are the problem, you are probably not. The people who are actually the problem never wonder. 😢
Beautifully articulated
Absolutely. I’m an empath myself and can read people quickly . I’d like to know how to help my friend.
Thank you because I keep going back because I always think I am or was the problem because of my reaction when we have a disagreement and because I have grown cold and disinterested I think im the narastist only to see the signs that my husband is everything I never knew him to be because I spent 20 yrs looking to be good enough …
I call it brain blogging , brain bashing or just brain washing . It’s to wear you down .
This what seems to happen in politics; from BOTH ends of the political scale.
Yeah… cross check if their narrative is actually correct. I’ve done that.
“Make the lie big, make it vague, and keep repeating it. Eventually the people will come to believe it.” – Joseph Goebbels
“When a lie is often heard and repeated, the human mind becomes impressed with it insensibly.” – George Washington
I’m a 40 yo man now, to deal effectively with my father, unfortunately I had to start hammering back in my 30s to make some space for myself. I’m usually not a violent person but violence was the only thing that worked…it did take a toll on me though but not doing it did too…nobody wins when narcissism is in play.
I understand this .. but the narcissist still will not get it.. definitely exhausting! I also understand the mafia mentality now. 😢 they ain’t going to even bend much less change.
@SherryTomlinson-r2ytrue, they never get it and the only way to deal with a narcissist is to not deal with them but that’s not always an option for everyone. Multiple people on my father’s side are sick with this disease, we were lucky to have my mother’s side of the family that helped us grow up somewhat sane…my mother’s sacrifices cannot be measured as she had to deal with all these people.
@ali3lia❤ same circus here
@SherryTomlinson-r2ywishing you and yours the very best, take care of yourself and enjoy the weekend!
“Man will do anything no matter how ridiculous to avoid facing his own soul” Jung. Including hammering other people into submission which they then despise. A Marvellous neurotic exercise.
Let someone else pay for their lack of accountability
You didn’t mention when the flying monkeys come in. The narcissist has been hammering you with their narrative. Then the flying monkeys come in and you realize that they have been hammered with the narcissistic person’s narrative as well. And now you have flying monkeys hammering you with a narcissistic narrative as well. The only good thing about this is the flying monkeys do give up eventually(kind of).
Yeah exactly
Totally! It ends up like gang-hammering 😵💫 craazy!
Unfortunately some flying monkeys are sometimes more enraged than the narcissist in their insistence, the ones who finally find a life purpose in wrecking yours 😒
You don’t have to believe the accusation for the hammering to work. You just have to hear it enough times that the body starts flinching before they say it. That flinch is the injury — they trained your nervous system before they ever convinced your mind.
Yes! You can wholeheartedly believe the accusation is false and be ready to defend yourself against it. But having to be ready to defend yourself is just as much of a problem.
I get it, the one thing that I hear myself saying over and over again the longer I am around narcissist is I’m weary, I’m tired
I used to fight back, insisting my boundaries to be respected, but I got exhausted and depressed, and allowed myself to be hammered into submission.
😢🫂
Nothing better than to watch a gaslight play out in real time.
I called it badgering, harping, harassing. Never stopped until I agreed or went silent, which he took as compliance.
Twisted sickos that get a thrill disrespecting and then forcing a response that is against your will, beliefs, values, and basic safety needs.
Then came punishment if he didn’t get the reaction he wanted in the way he wanted.
I spent years going to therapy for my dating habits when all I actually needed was make him your pet by mia ema lopez
Yes, they’re unbearable people… uggg!!.
I’ve made the same comment in dozens of Dr. Ramani’s videos but I wanted to say it one more time: your content is literally lifesaving, and as a seasoned therapist I could not pull myself out of the black hole of my marriage without the education you provide.