The non-charismatic narcissist
Not all narcissists are charming, charismatic, or socially successful. Some are sullen, awkward, grumbling, or just plain difficult—but that doesn’t make them any less toxic. If you’ve ever questioned whether someone in your life is narcissistic just because they don’t fit the slick, charming stereotype, you’re not alone. Let’s break down why narcissism isn’t about appearances—it’s about patterns.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
I have not watched the video yet but i felt a lot of relief when i saw the title.
I live with three of the worst narcs who are not even charming and just blatantly stupid. I always feel left out of conversations sorrounding narcissists because everyone only talks about the charming covert ones or the grandiose ones.
Mine are too stupid to be covert and fall more into the grandiose territory but without the power the grandiose one holds often times.
THANK YOU,THANK YOU,THANK YOU,THANK YOU!!!!!!!!
IVE LEARNED SO MUCH FROM YOU!!!
IT WILL BE FOUR MONTHS SEPARATED ON TUESDAY
STILL HAVEN’T FOUND THE COURAGE TO WALK INTO THAT LAWYER’S OFFICE AND FINALIZE EVERYTHING BUT I’M GETTING THERE!!!
THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!!!☮️✌️
This is the type who gives you a yucky gut feeling without doing something overtly weird (when you know them from a distance).
Maybe you are mirroring lol!
@Rachel-w3g3e Why are you here?
@Rachel-w3g3eso you are here to troll.
SCROLL don’t troll biautch🎉
@DLee-m6f ☝🏻10,000 THIS!
Old Rachel is the malignant
NARCISSISTIC one.
@Rachel-w3g3e. RIGHT,
YOU are the
NARCISSISTIC one.
Narcissistic people are mainly too much. If you pay attention, even when they are “charismatic” they are simply too much. Too cold, or too friendly, too extreme, too pessimistic, too cocky, too grandiose etc
that is actually a very good observation, I will take it with me when I meet a new person,, thank you, this is very helpful.. like does 90% of people would behave tike that?
the problem is if you are living in an environment where almost everybody is like that…
just thinking out loud
great comment, It got me thinking
As someone with severe ADHD please don’t use this as your criteria….😓
Why does it matter, if they are not causing harm?
@Rebekerplease don’t, sometimes, it’s ADHD and a lot of us have a hard enough time socially. They’ve done brain scans of ADHD people, the emotional center of the brain lights up like a Christmas tree compared to 90% of other people…so that “too much” could be their brain still trying to hold back to not be “too much”….
@SelinaCat I’m adhd too, I’m not talking about being too much happy or enthusiastic, don’t worry, I’m talking about saying weird stuff
I’m loving a Dr Ramani fix on Saturday ❤ and after acquiring all this must needed knowledge on the narcissist. Then we deal with the toxic norm person.. Today is Saturday it’s going to be a good day , by golly! ✌️Repeat it’s going to be a good day!! ❤
My ex-friend was a vulnerable narcissist. My father was a narcissist and played the victim card a lot, so I found my relationship with her familiar. She seemed pathetic and constantly in need of support. I felt so bad for her that I stayed. She was socially awkward like me; we had similar childhood trauma, and I was used to being berated, dismissed, and mocked.
She lacked empathy — if someone cut her off, family or otherwise, she wished terrible things on them. I didn’t realize that she was a narcissist for a long time. It wasn’t until she told me how she treated her children that I realized what was going on. She treated her children the way my father treated me.
I felt so bad for her that, when she struggled with schoolwork, I helped her and begged her to rephrase what I said. Judging by her sudden declaration that I couldn’t help her anymore, two semesters later…
She complained that it was her ADHD that held her back. Or that she couldn’t help herself because of x, y, or z.
So….you’re a co-dependent like most of us. We rescue people…the problem comes when we rescue the wrong people. Then instead of feeling fulfilled we feel lost!
@OU812-67 I gave up on her. I had to. She wouldn’t change, and I walked away once I saw who she really was.
Your analogies are really spot on. Box of candy… What looks good on the outside doesn’t always match up with what’s on the inside. If only each piece came with a sticker attached that says “I am as good as I appear” or a warning label…
I am so happy to have found your channel. I have learned so much. Thank you for your help
Allan Dulles, the creator of the CIA, was a non-charismatic narcissist and psychopath who managed to fly under the radar his whole life. Who ordered the assassination of JFK after being fired by him from “his” CIA. Read The Devil’s Chessboard. It’s why we are where we are today.
Variable empathy, entitlement and arrogance = the basic qualifiers can show up in such a variety of ways. What I hear called “variable empathy” seemed to me, in my relationship with my now ex-husband, to be more like a facsimile of empathy, performative acting — bcse he was trying to get something he felt entitled to. And when he wasn’t getting it, he would switch to being condescending (arrogant).
Thank you for breaking this down!!! My father was definitely the non-charismatic, but raging and arrogant type. A hermit, mostly, but an angry, alcoholic one. This explanation answers a lot of lingering questions.
So Brilliant. Dr. Ramani, I am so grateful for your skill to see the trends in thinking and usage, and then update us with excellent explanations and examples. It IS so very complex and subtle, and you are giving us the powerful tools and updates to heal.
You nailed it about the “Smart” part! That’s how they charm others. They will use you when they need you and then leave you when you are no longer needed.
It could be constantly pessimistic, negative, complaining, blaming, needing admiration, validation, no one likes them. There are only certain people they try to please or befriend. Those are usually strangers, random people they just met.
My late husband was an off the scale charming, charismatic narcissist with a wicked sense of humor. Few knew how mean he was at times. He surprisingly admitted he wasn’t empathetic and he wasn’t. Trust me. You just described him.
That was my mother, but she was outwardly awkward and thought she should call all the shots. Fun wasn’t fun, rigid was the norm, and self righteous to the core. It got to where I could not bear to be in her presence. It became a mutual agreement to leave each other alone. May not be the ideal, but at least I have my peace.
A description of my father. He managed to convince my mother that—despite her increasingly finding him socially embarrassing, selfish, and unkind—“he needed her.” And like all narcissists, he was expert at doing what worked. When anger and emotional abusiveness failed, malingering and threats of suicide pulled her back under his control. Dementia made her increasingly vulnerable to his manipulation and he managed to taint our relationship to prevent me from successfully intervening in their final years. While I have had plenty of therapy in a (mostly successful) effort to forgive myself for not being able to “save” her, I will never forget his ultimate cruelties when she was no longer able to wait on him to his exacting specifications. Their last years were a horror show I cannot unsee. Clinical narcissists do seem to embody what religiosity labels “evil.”
I understand very well what you are describing. My mom was so worn down by my father that she had no will to fight cancer when she was diagnosed. And didn’t my father move on quickly after she died. This time he married a covert narcissist like himself who abandoned him in his final days. I got him the care he needed as an only child there’s that strong sense of responsibility but I am still bitter 3 years later.
non-charismatic = vulnerable narcissist (?)
Dear Dr Ramani, I understood this point upon watching a past video of yours on vulnerable narcissism. It was like thunder and lightning in a clear sky as I was coincidentally grappling with a.. vulnerable narcissist, and they instantly checked all the boxes of your description. I escaped and cut contact. A grandiose one had been my first narcissist and after this vulnerable one I faced a covert narcissist who tried to sink me in shame and guilt to no avail thanks to you. I openly repeat here what another commenter posted 3 hours ago: “I’ve learned so much from you !” Thank you. I am forever grateful to you. 💚
*_Observe a “Miltary Column” marching by. Notice how they’re ALL wearing the same uniform. Marching in sychronicity and step. But realize within that same Battalion of Soldiers. There is every type imaginable. Under the sun. There’s Infantrymen and Snipers and also Mortarmen. They even have their own Medics and Cooks. And they’re ALL needed and nescesary. To their success and survival. A Football Team like the Oakland Raiders is a good analogy too. Everybody plays a different position. But ALL wearing the same uniform. In this …”Spiritual Warfare.”_*
We need much more discussion on this type of personality and how to deal with living with such a person. Its like mercury.