The Truth Behind the Narcissist’s Misunderstood Act
Narcissists love to claim that no one really “gets” them—but what’s really going on when they say that? Is it genuine vulnerability, or just another way to shift blame and play the victim? In this video, Dr. Ramani unpacks why the misunderstood act is one of the narcissist’s favorite strategies, and what it means for you if you’re caught in the cycle.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
My fear, is that if I could read their mind, I might have nightmares for the rest of my life. Because they are probably thinking far worse than what ends up coming out of their mouth, which is already within about 4 feet of nuclear.
The narcissist’s act is less than about convincing other people, and more about convincing themselves. It’s not just you they gaslight, they gaslight themselves. They’re delusional.
Dr. Ramani …..stay blessed.
Thanks again!!
From Kenya with love.
I’ve given up mind reading for the most part, but unfortunately the trauma has left me hyper vigilant with everyone, even safe people. It’s exhausting.
🙁 How would you know someone is safe…
Same❤
Same. 😢
So true
That dark stare in their eyes ,you can FEEL it but,you just don’t know exactly what you’re feeling…or at least not trusting WHAT you’re feeling!!
With family members like this …….who needs enemies😮
Been saying this for years 😂
@kelstewart5059 been living like this for years😂😅
They’re no longer my family just my relatives . Like a distant uncle I’ve never met. Vapid
About 10 years ago i started referring my father as my grandfathers son@geraldfriend256
Yes, poooor things, they suffer so much, nobody understands them…, nobody loves them…., they’re like “Calimero.” They’re 60-70 years old and they behave like 5-year-olds. But with absolute cruelty. So…… what do they expect from the others???.
I am so glad this channel is part of my YouTube diet. I have been following your videos Dr. Ramani for over 4 years, and combining that with the therapy that I have been getting for 2 years, not only have I learnt a new, validating and truth vocabulary about the very sorry state of affairs with how people currently ( don’t know how to) connect to each other, but that more than some people in the world have the audacity to blame others for ‘not understanding them’ when they know they are harming others, but then do not CARE about ‘understanding’ the other people they have harmed, and that their abusive behaviour has messed up another human being’s life and sense of wellbeing!
My question to anyone who goes around claiming to be a ‘self aware narcissist’ (whatever that means..), or they think they can get away with treating other people like 💩, before you play the game of people not understanding YOU, do YOU understand yourself? And are you willing to understand other people? Especially the ones you have hurt? Do YOU see THEM as separate human beings with their own way of thinking and being?
I know this comment sounds very venty and ranty, but the world is in a really bad state of affairs because of how narcissistic and other antagonistic behavioural traits are not just socially accepted, but culturally engrained and glorified by mass media, entertainment and ‘consumer culture’.
I’ve often said that enablers and flying monkeys are worse than the malicious people themselves because they consistently make the environment unsafe.
@TracE5.4
Hello 🙏 Yes a very true and important point actually 👍 Sometimes they are worse than the narcy-inclined bullies themselves. Have a good day or evening where you are😎
Well bloody said 👍.
Fr being a self aware narcissist is rare air, especially if one knows what narcissism actually means. And all that can be done is to not behave as a narcissist does- but I get selfish , immature thoughts easily. Long story short do NOT tolerate abusive behavior AT ALL- narcissism is not a choice BUT THE BEHAVIOR IS!!
The covert narcissistic husband has screamed at me several times for not reading his mind ,for not understanding him. And to make things worse, I felt guilty for not loving him enough 😢
I am going to pray for you now and for your future. Because you clearly don’t understand what you are up against if you are feeling bad about loving a narcissist.😢
understand the narc…. yea, I’ve been thru trying to explain, being nice, etc. I’m above that now. I put my hand up like “talk to the hand.” which causes a collapse in them and then name calling starts, blah blah blah. I’m immune to it, and tell them to bug off. I’m getting to the point in healing where maybe I’m becoming a jerk. I’ll say to their drama, “hang on, lemme get some popcorn.” This pisses them off cause they want a scared, emotional response. It feels so good to not attach myself anymore to their toxic ways and feel empowered when I can see it coming and not react anymore. Luv you Dr. Ramani
That is a good response 💯 “lemme get some popcorn” to the Covertism in the life of me. The response back to me if I said that, would be ‘I’m done’ (talking) & silence 😶🌫️ (unresolved but better for me) ☮️✌️
Get a Pepsi while you’re at it 😂.
I chuckled at this comment. Damn, I wish I’d come up with that comeback! It’s beautiful.
8:18 “Narcissistic person has very little interest in understanding you but they ask you why you do something, they are contemptuous or gaslighting. I knew there was something wrong with you.”
YES!!!
I do not miss the waiting to see if Jekyl or Hyde was coming thru the door!
Same!
That is exactly what it’s like.
03:33 There are always “elephants in the room”🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘🐘 you are forever left in resentment wondering “Is he/she, ever, going to acknowledge, or apologize for, the horrible thing they did…?”.🤷♀️🙍♀️
06:04 Trying to make me feel like the irrational one “You’re…crazy…you’re…out of your…mind…”.
At first, I thought it was low IQ. Now I know she’s demonically possessed. At some point they let them in, consciously.
@RajeshTaylor
It is perplexing. They do literally have comprehension difficulties. They were never taught, how to behave normally, so they cannot understand.😕
Empathize and disengage is a thankless and difficult accomplishment when confronted with the vulnerable narcissist’s rage, although ultimately the duo serve your sense of who you are and what exactly your dealing with.
The problem is that we have too much understanding, patience, and empathy, and we try really hard to make these relationships work, and the narcissists use it all to keep being and doing themselves. You are so right D. Ramani, this is very validating and educational, as always, thank you!❤️❤️❤️
Brilliant. Part of Radical Clarity is that they will sometimes play this I’m Not Understood card when confronted. Expertly explained. Thank you!
The point about them not understanding their whys is so interesting. I’ve noticed that narcs love trying to find a negative why about your actions, as if that’d change anything. Like they’d say “you only need alone time because you were bullied as a kid” or whatever, and I’d be like, yeah, and? To them it would be incredibly shameful, to me it would just be how I work.
Saw that little helpless child, pitied it, until one day saw the darkness in his eyes, and I knew I needed to run, run far.
One big trait I had trouble recognizing with my Narcissist ex was all the passive aggressive behavior that subtly undermined the goals we worked hard to agree on. He truly opposed “our” goals, but pretended agreement just to keep me unable to oppose him. Of course, if he’d admitted to basic disagreements, he knew I’d walk out, so he hid all opposing opinion when he had one. I always felt cheated somehow, because so little went as we’d “planned.” We started out equal partners in life, then slowly he began to prove himself incompetent at shouldering his part of our load. Gradually I was forced to take on all the chores if I wanted them done at all, much less done right the first time. I got laundry, cooking, dishes, paying bills, feeding/grooming the horses etc. He got all the fun. Playing video games, riding the horses, seeing movies, taking karate lessons, bass-fishing on our boat, etc. It shifted so gradually that I barely noticed.
There was gaslighting, subtle put-downs, and I noticed that we always spent way more money on him than on me on Christmas and birthdays. On my birthdays, he got himself something, too. He escalated spending past what our budget would allow, and sabotaged my relationship with his mom with untrue complaints. Yet I barely was aware until the situation was outrageously bad. You’ll never realize you’re fighting with them until you’ve already lost, and I mean big losses.
There was the subtle threat of physical abuse towards the end, but I don’t think if he’d seriously wished to hit me, I could have stopped him. I like to tell myself he knew I wouldn’t allow it, but I’m not sure that’s true. They seem to like to “win” without overt violence, actually. In his case I surmise he was pretending to behaving better than his physically abusive father/mother, but the negative effects on me were still awful. It’s a lie they enjoy, comparing themselves favorably to their own bad parents. They’ll indulge in any imaginable alternative form of abuse to avoid being seen as overtly abusive. It was a relief to get a divorce, but tough to explain to my therapist why it shattered me so deeply. I’d never heard of NPD back then, much less covert forms of it. I’m so glad I found others like myself here on YouTube, as they’ve helped me understand this better
Additionally, If you need to find out about a Cheating Narcissist; send a request to: MetaspyHub@gmail. com
They have absolutely no self awareness. Meanwhile I have literally spent hours trying to figure out when things went sideways and what I did to cause it. The story of my life: If I said the sky was blue but you said no, it is green, you could never get me to agree with you but I would spend a heck of a lot of time thinking about it.