When People Stay Friends With the Narcissist Who Hurt You
You’ve ended a painful relationship with a narcissist—but then comes the shock: people you trusted still choose to stand by them. Why does this happen, and why does it cut so deeply? In this video, Dr. Ramani explores the betrayal of seeing others stay close to a narcissist—and what it means for your healing journey.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
It can seem like a form of betrayal. But it doesn’t mean they’re against you. They may just not be aware of or understanding your experience with this person. But in some cases, it may be best for you to distance yourself from this friend. And to distance yourself from anyone who is still in contact with the narcissist. The narcissist will use other people to get to you.
Unfortunately I think lack of understanding is convenient for a lot of people because they never have to make difficult choices. This is why a lot of people in dysfunctional families get adept at tuning it out, but the danger ia that neutrality always favors the status quo, which is dysfunction.
@b-six-twelve Very true. It really is a lack of courage for a lot of people, just as it was for us at times. We were trained to walk on eggshells around them.
No one gets to claim “not aware of” once you’ve TOLD them.
Just as people in dysfunctional systems make excuses for the narcissist, they also make excuses for enablers.
Bottom line? They think you’re lying, or they don’t care about your wellbeing. Not possible to be in healthy relationship with either of those.
Regardless what other “positive” qualities a person may have, if they choose to remain in the dysfunction (eg, hang out with the narcissist), they WILL (even if only subconsciously, not deliberately) work to perpetuate that status quo. These cannot be your friends.
@lousialb8962not something I hadn’t grown use to being raised by one. 😢
@SherryTomlinson-r2ySame. Doesn’t make it right or permanent, though.
If some teacher drilled into you that 2+3=7, would it be a good idea to stick with that after you figure out that’s wrong?
We can unlearn the twisted stuff we got, and learn healthy, fulfilling ways of being.
That works best for away from the crappy teacher (and anyone else still reciting the faulty lessons)
If you choose narcissist — i don’t need you in my life. I just can’t trust you anymore
Agree! Anyone who chooses to talk to or stay connected to my ex when they know all he put me and the kids through is not my friend. I delete and block from all social media and from my life.
Amen!
Yes, of course, but… it is like it is..
Exactly!
That’s my philosophy as well.
The most painful is when adult children side with the abuser and blame you. And you want them to be loyal to both parents.
Trust is build on hope
Psychedelics
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Can you help with the reliable source I would really appreciate it. Many people talk about mushrooms and psychedelics but nobody talks about where to get them. Very hard to get a reliable source here in Australia. Really need!
Yes , Voltshroomies. I’ve personally struggled with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and addiction, and I can attest that mushrooms have been a game-changer for me. They’ve played a significant role in my recovery, and I’m grateful to say that I’m now clean and sober.”
I wish those were more accessible here.
Microdosing was the next thing I planned for my husband. He’s 59 & facing many mental health issues, probably CTE & a TBI that left him in a coma for 8 days. Sadly, I had to get a TPO because he’s 6’6, over 300 pounds, and displaying violent behavior, always talking about hurting others. He’s really aggressive. If anyone out there knows about BPD, is it common to have an obsession with violence?
Is he listed on Google ?
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Sometimes they’re trying to “be fair” and “not pick sides”, because “break ups are always bad” and “it’s never just one person’s fault, every conflict has two sides”. Then, when you’re not around anymore, narc needs a new source of supply and it happens to be that exact person. Then, they understand.
And you just go: huh, so when he did this to ME, it was “not that big of a deal” and i was “misinterpreting things” and “overreacting”, but when it’s YOU, who got hurt, you suddenly get it.
Yep. It’s maddening, isn’t it?
“I like you both, I don’t want to get put in the middle”.
SHE JUST THREW A HOOVER AT ME!
Yep, been there – had to cut the lot of them off, my whole family. Two years in – still recovering.
I’ve had to let go of family members because they started to join the narcissist in their abuse. I was heartbroken. Still am.
🤗🤗🤗❤❤❤❤❤
Something that’s really helped me is to recognize that I have to update my concept of people. When we so badly want to believe someone is nice, trustworthy, loves us DESPITE EVIDENCE TO THE CONTRARY, we remain trapped in dysfunctional relationships.
Better to see the coward, suck up, turn coat, whatever they actually are, disappointing and shocking though that may be. When we accept who and how they really are, we stop operating from conditioned autopilot and begin responding appropriately and maturely. We discover who we are, what we value, what we need and deserve.
I’m sad my siblings are such crappy, shallow humans, but that’s a tiny fraction of the decades of tortured suffering I endured lying to myself and making excuses for their complicit enabling of our narc mother (she scapegoated me, which was great for them, and she’s old and has lots of money they hope to inherit).
I used to think I missed my brothers and sister. Truth is, I never really had any, not in any meaningful or healthy sense of those concepts. Ended my suffering by letting go of my hopeful CONCEPTS, which never matched my lived reality.
It is heart breaking to be with a narc. It is less painful to me to cut out family that abuses. I want too trust those around me and it feels better to know that there is no one in my life that will purposely hurt me
That’s how we are now. i remember telling my Mum back when – we have more of these people (fill in the expletives) then our fair share. My kids and I have chosen to break that cycle – it’s not easy but it HAS to be done.
I had this happen. The offender was someone I dated in high school. He was the one who took my virginity…without consent.
A friend who told me he would “take a bullet for [me]” really let me down. He was still friends with the offender. We revisited the topic of what happened to me, and he was saying that the offender claimed he didn’t do it. I asked him, “how many times has he lied to you?” He said, “I don’t know; probably hundreds.” And I said, “and how many times have I lied to you?” He said, “none that I know of.” I also reminded him of the other friend we had who had also been assaulted by the same offender and questioned why he would believe the offender over two of his friends who were assaulted. He then apologized. That interaction was upsetting, but I still thought of him as a friend. The hurt was renewed when I was on his social media some time later and saw the offender still on his friends list. It felt like he was co-signing what happened to me and our other friend. I stopped thinking of him as a friend because I no longer believed that he cared about me. He never reached out to me again, so I guess I was right. 💔
That whole situation was heartbreaking for me, and was one of many that caused me to stop trusting people.
“Misunderstood nice person”…that is certainly what my ex projects to our common friends. I have had to put a distance between me and those friends as I need completely no contact with my ex. Thank you for validating my feelings.
Oh please! If I hear ONE more time how “misunderstood” they are? Really? What’s to misunderstand – most of us know the difference between nice/kind vs. abusive/nasty. It’s seriously not rocket science!
Many people underestimate how destructive these relationships and narcissists can be. I also experienced losing friends who didn’t even support me when I left the narcissist they weren’t even friends with.
I think this is also a larger reality that is often not addressed when we speak about these relationships: that you might not have a support system you thought you had to navigate this.
Be open to nontraditional safe support systems outside of your friends and family. That could be an appreciate safe therapist relationship, support groups, organizations, etc. And when the time comes supportive social groups.
Don’t further victimize yourself by trying to go at this alone. You deserve to heal, be seen, and have your pain and experience validated.
i dont know what is worse, the narcissist, or the person who looks up to the narcissist.
Personally, I think it’s the enabler. The narcissist is missing some piece of their soul or something. They’re motivated by greed, power, sadistic pleasure, whatever. No doubt that’s sick and dangerous.
But the person who looks UP to them? Enables them? Covers for them? Copies them? That’s a person CHOOSING to be rotten. They COULD choose otherwise, but just don’t.
If you think about what really harmed you most and what kept you stuck there so long, I bet it wasn’t how smooth and convincing or scary the narcissist was; I’ll bet it was all the doubt enablers sowed in your mind when you went to them for advice, help, validation. If they’d said, “Oh, hell no! No one gets to do that to you! C’mon, let’s DEAL with this!” wouldn’t you have been out of there before you ever even got very hurt?
Because they don’t understand narcissism OR they are narcissistic themselves 🫥
I think many of them don’t even know what they don’t even know. They are skimming the surface and not paying attention.
Spot on.
They may matter to you but you don’t matter to them. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.
Like with the narcissist, don’t settle for potential or history. Don’t spend too much time (like I did) trying to educate the enablers. Set boundaries, let them do the work for you, grieve the losses, find new healthier friends.
Yes.😞
Yes.😞
It happened to me in the toxic family system. I had to go no contact with my entire family. There’s no safety in these relationships. It’s not worth it. My mental and physical health is more important than dealing with abusive family members.
I don’t know how long you’ve been out. But I “went no contact” with my toxic family 13 years ago. The only thing I regret is that I didn’t do it earlier. As time goes by you’ll see just how toxic that relationship with a non-narcissistic family member/members was. You will come to peace with going no contact with them. My older stepbrother was the hardest one to let go of. But he was also the most enabling. It took me about 10 years out of the toxicity to realize just how toxic it was.
I hid the abuse from others and now I hide the truth from others as people who don’t get it are judgemental. I keep quiet to spare my daughter the shame of knowing that her father was a conman and that it’s not her shame to carry.
Yes this is exactly my situation too. It’s been over 2 yrs since speaking to them and I don’t miss the mind games
I’m at that intersection right now, just as this video has come through, been separated from my ex wife for a year now , ( npd of the worse I’m so sure) haven’t been able to see my two little boys who have been alienated against me for sure, just had mediation to try and be able to see my kids and it was a disaster, totally corrupt service, I do not do drugs but the wife with conviction has made me out to the lawyer that I do etc etc, convinced my sister that I do drugs so she questioned me , which felt like she didn’t believe me , I did drug test and still don’t believe me , I’ve been run over by dysfunctional lawyers who didn’t do there job properly which led my to get a false charge of chocking my alcoholic npd ex wife and it’s not true which I realised later because I didn’t understand the workings of court system,, it’s sickening npd is REAL and the law protects them in my experience anyway, they are experts at manipulating and distorting the truth to favour them , it’s criminal what they do and I wish I never gotten involved with such a individual cause thinking of co parenting in the future,, I just know it will be a disaster and these two beautiful kids god knows what they have to endure , it’s just so unfair, hope everyone well here ❤❤❤
Instead of wallowing in the painful betrayal and frustrating injustice, recognize the valuable information you are receiving: “This person approves of abuse” or “This person doesn’t care when I get hurt” or “This person is untrustworthy” or “This person is not safe for me.”
None of those are what we WANT to be true of our family or friends, but facing the unfortunate reality empowers you to decide what quality of relationship you deserve.
Wishing you had better friends, a more loyal sister, a braver coworker, or whatever will keep you stuck and suffering. You can’t control them. You’ll be pining forever.
Taking the time to process and integrate that they aren’t who you thought, hoped, need, frees up space where healing and (eventually) good things can happen.
Sticking with enablers WILL put you right back on the crazy-making carousel of hell. You’ve been warned.
“You can’t control them.”
This! As you heal and become more secure, you end up realizing that trying too hard to make enablers understand what you went through can become a form of control (even if well-intentioned).
If you tell another adult what happened and they don’t respond with genuine curiosity, it’s not your job to make them see the light.
Radically accept that this is where they are currently, set boundaries, and adjust your proximity to these people depending on how they respond.
In interpersonal relationships that lack curiosity (often avoidants) we teach by example, not by persuasion.
And yes, it’s hard and it comes with a lot of grief. But take courage: there are safer people out there!
Thank you for sharing your perspective. I definitely needed to hear that.
I feel very insecure around people who still hang out with my ex. I know how much he has lied and spoken ill of me, so I assume they believe him; otherwise, they probably wouldn’t still spend time with him. Because of this, I avoid seeing them or block them completely whenever possible. My peace of mind is more important, and I am grateful for the good friends with whom I feel safe.
You dismiss them all and you stay alone until you find new friends that support you. Including family!
They were actually the ex-narcissist’s friends first! They can have him!
Yes, I blessed all the supporters with my absence.
My sister was the only other person in my world who knew what had happened to me, the only one on my side, or so I thought. Now she says “I honestly don’t even remember what really happened.” I never thought I would lose her too.
People like that only choose what is easy for them. Or who they “liked” better. Best to be rid of them. They only leave gateways for more pain to come your way. And they’ve shown you who they are.