Why Narcissistic Families Turn Children into Emotional Spouses
What happens when a child becomes responsible for a parent’s emotional needs in a narcissistic family? Sometimes, what looks like an unusually close parent-child relationship is actually something far more complicated. In this video, Dr. Ramani explores how children can be pulled into the role of an emotional spouse, why it can be so difficult to recognize, and how the effects can follow them well into adulthood.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Many examples out there about such toxic relationships, such as a mother using her daughter as a punching bag even when that daughter becomes an adult. Those parents are always brilliant at creating distance between their children and their future partners just to guarantee that no one will take that “emotional regulator” from them even at the cost of ruining their children’s relationships!
The 1st thing I heard from my mother after i told her about my relationship was “Dont trust your partner more than 60%”, whats the point of relationship without trust? but i know it for a fact she tries to keep me away from my future spouse, my mother has also accused her of infedility and cheating, point to keep in mind, my mother has NEVER met my woman, she has NEVER talked to her before, all she has in her knowledge is that i have someone and that was it , that was enough for her to tell me all that
I recall watching the federal budget when I was 7-8 hoping dad is happy with it, because he would keep telling us that a simple taxation change can ruin his business and we’d have no money.. I have had so many bad dreams as a child where someone on tv said something is changed in the tax laws and we’re being thrown out of our house.. He’d just come home and dump all his anxieties on elementary school kids
My dad was a narcissist, and my mother was emotionally immature. Both parents used me as a therapist, and my dad would say, “Your mother can’t handle this. She’s too sensitive.”
My mother would say, “Your father doesn’t understand.”
Mom actually cried to me when I was 8 that Dad wouldn’t sleep with her.
When I was 12, I felt like I’d be a better spouse to Mom than Dad was.
That…isn’t something a 12-year-old should be thinking.
My goodness, I’m so sorry. ❤ the bible has helped me in this area..
Psalm 27:10
When my mother and father forsake me, then the Lord will take care of me.
They didn’t see us as people. We were to be of service to them.
@mrs.murphy2611 i know you mean well, but your comment is toxic. if you actually read the bible carefully, you will see that the christian god is a narcissist. hes probably a sociopath, to be honest. youre advocating for this person to replace one abusive relationship with another imaginary one. if you actually followed the teachings of jesus, you would take direct action to help them (such as sending money or connecting them with help in their community), you wouldnt throw a bible verse at them to gaslight them. you commented this, not because you care about them, but because you want to feel like a good person. well, you’ve done nothing to indicate you are a good person from what i see.
@anju8376 Bro, this is extremely bigoted and antagonistic. This person was trying to share some words that helped her come to terms with accepting that they were abused and trying to find some kind of comfort. Not accepting another person’s beliefs is fascist and self centered idiocy. I am not a Christian. In fact, I am someone they would have burned at the stake, but I do believe in freedom.
Oh mein Gott, dasd noch jemand außer mir solche Sätze je gedacht hat, lässt mich weinen.
Just recently had this revelation as I’m working to restructure sleep habits, since mine revolved around caretaking alcoholics/addicts for most of my life. Sleep wasn’t safe because it left me vulnerable, and now it’s a critical part of my recovery that I desperately need to resolve.
Both of my parents are NARC’s. They divorced. I was living w mom. I can relate 1000000%. This happened to me. Thank you dr ramini for putting words, concepts to this action. I moved to other side of world to get away!! Best thing I did.
No one told me that it was inappropriate, instead I felt of some use in the ‘so wrecked up house’ as per them as a soothing and a stable elder daughter!
I wish I knew all this stuff while in was growing up, while I was 9 years old!
It seems I was never a kid in that household, only a maid, a nanny, a caretaker, a cook….
And when I met my husband, who was subtler version of the same as my father, I wasted 19 years of my life with him and last 3 years fighting against him… To save my daughter!!!!
Dr ramani should also include what happens when the eldest is a girl and and the sibling boys grow up, and the gender bias kicks in! Then, all of a sudden, the emotional spouse and the responsibility and the accountability, everything shatters when they favour them and neglect you!
I wish i would had known about narcissism too. When we are raised in it seems we just continue to pick the same deal.
@sheenulikhi9629yes definitely
Ngl, this is so relatable
Totally agree with you on this!
Uuuffff this hit a nerve, because apart from being the scapegoat I was the emotional spouse of my mother, father and one of my siblings at the same time , and then at the same time they all resent me greatly for escaping the role 😢
Same. They took my care for granted and then resented me for establishing a normal healthy boundary
Nobody like the escaping scapegoat 😉
This was my life’s role from the age of five, when my father disappeared because we were daughters and not sons, until adulthood. If you ever dared to spend time with someone else, it would trigger my mother. It was almost like choosing between staying completely enmeshed or being immediately discarded and replaced by the next sibling. Losing the only parent you have left was terrifying, so you anxiously hold on to them for dear life. Until one day, you meet someone or decide to move out, becoming a little more avoidant (though internally terrified to leave the only place you have known with no adult skills except those learned as a parentified child). And that’s when phase two begins. You are forced to either forfeit every personal need and stay enmeshed forever or be discarded and replaced by the parent you thought would never leave you. After all, you believed you somehow earned their loyal love and protection. Not so.
Eldest daughters in this predicament, who often come from immigrant, refugee, or other minority groups, wait for the “protective father” figure to eventually show up and relieve them of this immense burden. So, they marry men who seem to fulfill that role, only to end up becoming parentified or infantilized until they are completely depleted and discarded.
In adulthood, they become anxious (while at home) and avoidant (when they finally decide to “emancipate”).
Until I started therapy, I didn’t know I had needs, core wounds, thoughts, emotions, and that my reactions were based on these. Boundaries were unknown concepts. In fact, I thought having needs, emotions, and boundaries were the definition of selfishness.😅
You also acquire a set of life skills that accompany you throughout your life.❤
The scars are deep
This has been my life and it is huge problem in our society.
Me too
I completely agree. This was my life as well. It was almost easier when I thought it was just me. It breaks my heart that so many people have/are going through this right now.
My experience with narcissistic people began in adulthood in intimate relationships and friendships, but I did find myself as my mother’s emotional spouse for other reasons. I come from a very enmeshed family of origin who were working class and lived together in a tiny apartment in Brooklyn, NY. I am the eldest daughter, and my mother is my best friend to this day. I often found myself with parenting responsibilities for my younger brothers, housekeeping because both of my parents had to work, and my mother and I often stayed up late together planning things for our family routine and sharing feelings in deep, therapeutic types of conversations. My mother lost two of her sisters to cancer in one year when I was a teenager, too (both under 50), and we spent a good chunk of the 1990s on issues of grief and everything involved in that. I admit I did love this role, felt powerful…but looking back now that we are 50 and 70 and my dad is not with us anymore, I think back on all of the unnecessary anxiety I felt, the arguments I had with the brother closest in age to me about being a “third parent,” and wonder what I missed out on as a teenager with no social life and too many chores.
Thank you Dr. Ramani! This video means a lot to me!
From my dad ‘ you know how your mother is…’. 😢
Yeah. And also the reverse, ‘You know how your father is.’
Hell is both. And worse when they ganged up on one of us. Although from radically different angles. Then worse hell because no escape.
I hated childhood, still do. Thankfully both are dead. Today is better.
@jeankipper6954now they are both gone I see it all so raw now. Both of my parents were deeply disappointing.
The horrible reality of this form of abuse is that, despite feeling that I was more mature than my peers, I was actually being stunted emotionally.
I missed valuable development windows that I didn’t feel able to engage with because I was so busy caregiving.
Those words cut deep, we were more mature and emotionally stunted at the same time. Thanks for pointing it out
I started having panic attacks when I was 10 years old. That pretty much says it all. When I reached my late teens I finally went to the family doctor and said I need to see a psychiatrist because I was crazy. When I told him my problems he said “Those are not your problems but your family’s problems and if you do not see that perhaps you do need help.” I left thinking no, he is wrong, those are my problems. That is how in meshed I was.
It is the parents’ responsibility to take care of their mental health! 😮
I had this conversation a while back. Sometimes parents are using the children to supplement emotional support they’re not receiving from another adult. You’ll be involved, maybe inadvertently, in matters that are really not your burden to bare. This type of enmeshment isn’t just specific to parents either. Sometimes people with a void have a hard time seeing the inappropriateness of their actions.
My parents had their worst fights when my brother and I were a captive audience – the dinner table, the car, family vacations. Only later in life did I fully realize that was no accident – my mom was a passive aggressive manipulator who liked to bait people then play the victim. I loved her deeply but now I feel nothing but bitterness and disgust over how much of my childhood was ruined.
It’s a pity that you can’t see that your dad had choices there. And each time decided to fully participate. Ppl often blame one or the other parent when the enablers are every bit as responsible for protecting children, and instead do the opposite.
This one hit home. Wow. My dad is the classic grandiose narcissist and my mom was the covert narcissist. I was the first in our family to go to college and when I would call about some class or some book I was excited about, my mom would go into a tirade “I always knew you would out grow me. You have no need for me anymore…. Blah blah”
I always had to reassure her that no matter how much I read or learned that I would still love her.
After I graduated college, and started working and traveling overseas a lot, I felt like reassuring my mother was a part-time job.
Thank you Dr Ramani, my Dad told me at 13, 14 he only birthed me so I can serve him. He told me children are born to care for the parent. To me that makes no sense. I did tell him No I will not listen to you. I was very resilient. Had to be a tuff kid for survival. Thank you very much Dr R. for this topic.
OMG–this hit a raw nerve.