Why narcissists pretend their tantrums never happened
Ever had someone throw a full-blown adult tantrum—ruin your night, scare the kids—then act like nothing happened? And when you pull back to protect yourself, they accuse you of holding a grudge? This is classic gaslighting, and it’s how narcissistic people rewrite reality. If you've ever been made to feel like you’re the problem after they blew up, this one’s for you.
====================
MORE FROM DR. RAMANI
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
JOIN THERAPISTS ONLY (PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS)
VISIT MY WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES AND HOTLINES
====================
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
This happened to me last week with my mother. This isn’t the first time.
It’s to evade accountability and maintain control. If you try to confront them they will change the subject and shift the focus back on to you. They will bring up things you did years ago, but they won’t acknowledge recent things they’ve done.
That is exactly what my wife does. If I attempt to discuss or resolve a single, relevant, and recent issue, the conversation immediately gets turned to something that happened 6 months or 6 years ago and somehow my parents, or brother, or uncle (or any other person not relevant to the discussion) gets brought into the conversation and I’m being talked over and interrupted. So, I don’t even bother trying to talk with her anymore and I now get accused of stonewalling or avoiding issues. Can’t win with someone like that.
… all the time 😮
My ex husband would tantrum and then go for a walk with the female neighbor up the street or sit down and watch a comedy and laugh hysterically after raging at me. It was so disturbing!
@c.r.5106 That’s exactly what the covert nexgf did to me. She gave me non-stop mental torture which made me lose my job and she left when she realised I don’t have any income anymore. I quietly moved to a new place without telling anyone, not even my friends. She then bombed me tons of mails and messages every single day accusing me like I’m just like my dad, blabla., My dad is a polite, loyal and kind soul. I left my home 12 yrs ago because of her gaslighting. I haven’t talked to him since then for all these years. When I was busy working on my new job and she’s calling me non-stop. All her calls were blocked but that blocked call beep was so annoying so I called her back and yelled at her like don’t ever call me even my dad dies and hung up the call. That’s it. 1 month after my cousin called me and said my dad is no more. This covert nexgf joined hands with my enemy and poisoned my dad’s food. Since my mom and sis aren’t in my good terms with me and was also the reason why I left my home, I became helpless and so isolated that I’ve no one in my life that cares and loves me as much like my dad. That’s the biggest blow I ever received in my life. Both of us were never on social media when we were together. It’s been 2 yrs since then and she’s hooking up with dozens of strangers in insta and snapchat. She smeared my name with all my friends and relatives and I’m living alone like a monk and everyone still thinks I’m the bad guy who rejected a loving girlfriend.
@trying2survive602minha mãe, também.Causava, de repente, uma enorme discussão por qualquer coisa, nos impunha muita culpa e nos deixava tristes e culpados, arrastando um fardo.Depois, começava a cantarolar alegremente, como se não houvesse acontecido nada.Eu ficava perplexa e confusa. 😥
Shakespeare “Hell must be empty because all the demons are here.”
One of the worst parts is that I stopped inviting people to visit me at my home because I couldn’t predict the mood.
😮
I stopped inviting family to celebrate at my home because I could not predict their mood. My mother’s mantra for holidays was “It is just another day” and that was her approach to her morose life. They can try to enjoy one anothers company away from me.
“Spit out their pacifier…” Thanks for the image and the humor, for the experience that can be so seriously destructive. I can easily picture it.
Narcissistic people get away with this because people can’t handle confrontation and just want to pretend nothing is wrong. It’s disgusting how they usually try to suck up to you when you distance yourself. They desperately want to go back as if nothing happened and keep trying to gaslight you, even to the point of obsession.
They are also exploiting our desire for peace, something they don’t truly care about.
Her screaming is always justified, but even slightly raising my voice to defend myself is treated as unacceptable and becomes her excuse to scream to drown out my voice so loudly that the neighbors can hear. I’m now trying to stay silent when she criticizes me, even when what she says is wrong. Afterward, I feel traumatized, replaying the argument and crying for days, followed by her texting me as though nothing happened. I’m left wondering whether she even lost sleep that night she screamed at me. If there’s no justification for me raising my voice, there shouldn’t be one for her either.
❤ sending you love from someone who felt this too.
I’ve been pushed to the point where I’d purely screech from the top of my lungs (while holding my hands on my ears) to override his words (nothing else would help, I was cornered). The neighbours called the police on us and I took the blame.
It took me a few years until I was the one who called the police. It was the only thing that helped.
Luckily, my abuser was just a bully. Bullies are cowards.
You just described my 53-year-old narcissistic brother(who acts like a narcissistic teenage girl with convenient amnesia) !! His constant, emotional outburst and rage was to be tolerated at all times! If you dared confronted him about this, he would have the audacity to pretend he didn’t remember, and when he finally admitted it, he would use the excuse of it happened a long time ago! Remember everyone you’re not supposed to have a reaction to their actions! 😮
They are children in adults bodies. That’s my explanation for them pretending tantrums didn’t happen!
Agreed. 👍 if you look at them as petulant 13 year olds, then their behavior makes sense. Moody + need all the attention. Exhausting.
After 10 years no contact I saw my narc older sister at our grandmothers funeral and she had the gall to say to my friend with a trembling lip: ‘Why does she hate me so much?’ Never will she ever admit her decades of abuse of me. Nope. On the silence from he goes.
Don’t wait for closure, it won’t happen. Both of my narc parents are dead now, so there has been closure. Don’t let the tantrums and what not live rent free in your head. Very nice discussion DrR.
I was raised in rage. The sound of my father pounding upstairs. I’ve seen serious fights, mom had to get a huge broom and break it over the heads of my brothers so they wouldn’t kill each other. Somehow it’s amusing now. I guess I ignore it. Turned in to myself. But I will definitely get the hell away from it . I’ve learned from experience a person who rages can turn dangerous real fast. I don’t mind a small fit actually, just frustrated for real reason. But ,I would permanently exit away from a rager just because of my experiences. Like I don’t even want to see them in the next life.
Yep–I feel so alone. Need a witness. A validator. Story of my life.
OMG the ruminating. About to lose my mind.
Than You Dr Ramani. ❤ You are describing my 86 years old mother. She is a nightmare 😢
What tantrums? Move on, nothing to see here!
At some point, we have to accept that they hurt us because they can. They expect favorable treatment because they want to feel important no matter what. I have to distance myself
I randomly was accused of wanting to steal a car, they threaten to call the police, despite not even being in the same city as said car. I asked the other family member what I did to make them think I was going to steal her car and she refused to respond, and then I got yelled at again by the narcissist for trying to resolve the situation. I quite literally was never told what was going on, and I’m scared of being around either of them if my literal freedom could be taken away that quickly with police. They pretended it never happened and are furious I moved away.
The exhaustion of constantly being expected to take accountability for a narcissists behavior and not correct their lies to others to prevent the real story from coming out is….crushing
If you the next day ask them to take even a little accountability for their tantrums, they’ll usually just accuse you of being bitter and a resentful person.