Narcissists can meet your needs – they just won’t
Do they really can’t meet your needs—or do they just won’t? This video unpacks the painful truth behind emotional neglect in narcissistic relationships, and why understanding the difference between “can’t” and “won’t” can help you break the trauma bond and stop blaming yourself.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
This was such a major lesson for me both with my father and my first wife – they would make excuses for why it was impossible when the same claimed reasons were not a barrier when anyone else had a need.
Had a few times
some very needed once in a lifetime chances even. . they didn’t even figure out how to help press a darn vcr record button for me or other easy things.. simplest.
My dad was always there. Mom too unless my brother interfered purposefully and not wanted to share our mother’s attentions. . a lot.
Sister just can’t.. too a lot of no…
but did lend a vehicle and a helping hand with money or such important things,
but not what was trivial in her mind— I think or she was excruciating busy and had a mean bully husband we believe now that’s he’s passed away was a malignancy npd bipolar.
@@ladynataliemarie7780 testing I appreciate your comments. I do have to say I think you mean narcissistic personality disorder for NPD. I might be bipolar myself. Because when I don’t get enough sleep I go into what I call a lonely depression – I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, not even the devil. And lately when I get it – when I get the lonely depression I feel like I want to talk to a friend. This is hard for me to explain so this might be long. But I don’t want to bother anybody so I just stay in the apartment and try to ride it out try to ride out the loneliness – read watch TV play some music that is practice the piano I have a bad wrist so I can’t play the piano for very long or the wrist will hurt so I’ll have to stop. Anyway I may be bipolar but I don’t like to bother anyone. Nobody else is responsible for my loneliness. So I try not to bother anybody. I don’t want to put my loneliness on anybody else. I have a best friend name Marion in the same building and I try not to bother her. I try not to go down when I’m really depressed like this. Sometimes she’ll call and I’ll if she doesn’t get me then I’ll call her and I’ll I’ll say sorry you didn’t get me I was in one of my lonely depressions and she knows all about that. Sorry this is long so I’ll cut this off for now. the gist of it is I don’t think all that have bipolar are narcissistic. I could be wrong. thanks for reading if anybody read this. Sorry about the mistakes I’m using an app called voice in because the typewriter on the computer doesn’t work very well. Thanks for reading.
They feel they lose something, by letting you have what you want. The saddest part of it is that sometimes what you want would be good for the both of you, and for the relationship, but they can’t see that. They have to feel superior, they have to win, and ultimately they end up losing.
Exactly
They’re unable to get out of their own way.
Genesis
1 In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.+
2 Now
Well said 💯
the problem more often is they meet your needs, but use it to call you out a looser and someone who destroys them.
for example my father gave me a work to paint his house and a small church in a little village. When i said it costs 400 euro each what is not very much for the work i did he was pissed and said i take advantage of him, even if it was a very fair price and my dad knew that i had to go beg on the streets and i came around 1000 kilometers for the work.
now he is the hero of the village, took advantage of me and i feel guilty as always. That is just one example of infinite others. My guilt is so extrem that i feel guilty for even killing a cockroach.
KMA!😂😂😂 I love you Dr. Ramani! I just left a 25 year marriage because he finally admitted he wasn’t willing to meet my emotional needs. The. Most. Difficult. Exit. I’ve ever made and the most liberating.
Realizing that he can’t do that is liberating in itself.
@leagarner3675 yes. And won’t do it is what really set me free.
So so sorry for you and hope that you will be very successful without this person.
It happened to me, he left, and I thought my life was over.
Actually it had just begun…it’s a row to hoe but well well worth it and believe that you are worth the effort to heal.
Dr Ramini has helped thousands, keep trying ❤
“They won’t”. That is so true. I experienced it for decades. The more I am aware, the more I see that it’s not because they can’t. Now I am very low contact, so the “won’t” doesn’t affect me much. I can calmly say to myself : “of course, they won’t”.
A narcissistic parent has the freedom to say “can’t” or “won’t” and their child doesn’t.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani. I spent years in therapy, trying to learn how to ask for my needs to be met perfectly. Turns out I was asking someone who would never respond…no matter how well I asked.
This just answers my question why? Why won’t they show up as equal partners in a marriage, relationship anymore? They just don’t do it. It is a matter of choice. They choose to not show up because there is nobody watching them and their showing up will not get praised. They will have no gain out of it as they won’t look good to other people and also they don’t validate our needs. It is not us once again..
I just heard it’s always about meeting the narcissist needs not yours because they’re selfish to the core. I want to thank you Dr. Ramani for educating me and my therapist on narcissism. Yesterday he admitted he has learned a lot! ❤
They won’t do anything unless it’s convenient for them and they’re going to derive some benefit. Meanwhile the rest of us are expected to do everything for them, even when it’s majorly inconvenient.
Yes and they get deeply offended if you refuse or punish you
sooooooo true I enjoy his hobbies but he would never go to an antique store with me!
@@libbynovotny9979 many people might say or think that it’s they can’t because they are emotionally stunted, but I am also convinced it’s mostly just pure unadulterated laziness and inconvenience because they just don’t WANT to do the work. For everyone there is an actual choice whether we do something positive with our limitations, but narcissists are “above” doing anything truly positive for others unless it serves their greatly selfish demands.
Incredibly sad, but true. It is all about them – them 1st, 2nd & 3rd. It is all 1 sided.
Being told they can’t do something you know they’ve done before ie, hugging me when they got home from work, really hurts. But because you know they’re capable of it, you just keep waiting for them to come back 😢
“The power play and dismissive contempt that overtakes all narcissistic relationships” really deeply resonates. And looking back on my unhealthy relationships, the ones with the NPD’s really stand out because of the dismissive contempt. Years of not interacting with them, but that was what I was left with, their dismissive contempt.
This is so true, sadly. I told him that I noticed he wasn’t curious about my life, that he didn’t ask me questions, and so I had the impression that he wasn’t interested in my life and inner thoughts. He responded, “That is who I am, I learn about you by introspection. Curiosity is one of my values. That is how I can genuinely connnect with others and get to know them, so I found myself asking him questions all the time because. I genuinely wanted to get to know him and connect. He just wouldn’t do it, for much that I asked for it. It was very confusing, to the point that he wouldn’t even ask me how I was feeling after I asked him. It just got worse during the devaluation phase and very unsettling. Yes, they only care about themselves, and the suplly we provide. There is no true reciprocity in this kind of relationship, sadly. Thank you Dr Ramani for this very validating, helpful video, as always ❤❤❤
oh wow, your comment is super relatable, like written by me !
What a horrible 1 sided relationship!
I was with a man just like you described, just like that! He had 0 interest and reciprocation, can it even be called a relationship? Hmmm despite tons of sweet words tho, the “glue”! What did he do once you peaced out of his life?
@@AmericanDreamer I am so sorry that also happened to you. I relate to how you felt. He did nor show much emotion at the time of breaking up. He tried to hoover me two days after despite I told him I was going no contact and wished him well, so I have been no contact since then and I hope I never see him again, I will never contact him again. The relationship was a master class in narcissism and the love bombing was like in the movies. Thank you for your reply. I wish you all the very best❤
If they wanted to, they would.
So Brilliant. They met your needs in the beginning, (to hook you), and they CAN meet the needs of others, if it benefits them, but they won’t meet YOUR needs any more.
They enjoy withholding and doing harm.
YESSS!!! all my conventional-wisdom, enabler family members always tell me the narcissists “can’t”, “they just can’t”, They are “doing the best they can” But it’s total BS of course the “can” but they won’t… This is really critical! Can we talk about the “can’t/won’t” more offten!! thank you ❤👍❤
I have known narcissists that could have prevented family tragedies if they were willing to help, but they simply didn’t, however they felt guilty afterwards for their actions realizing they could have done something that might have helped prevent it. Sadly, this is the most extreme consequence of their wont’s, and it is beyond heartbreaking and scary. At that point I realized I had to end the relationships, i could not feel safe with them ever again. Their ego and arrogance is too big to accommodate others unless it is for their own benefit. It is very sad. I am forever thankful for your education and guidance, it has made getting out of these relations sooner, and easier, as well as healing from these relationships. Thank you Dr. Ramani❤❤❤
Yes that’s the message underneath the behaviour. “I won’t” is mostly not uttered rather it’s conveyed in the black face, the slammed doors, the silent treatment. It is so LOUD!
You are so right. I see the black face daily.
Narcissists see doing favors for you as an inconvenience unless it means more supply for them. Otherwise, you are there to serve them and not the other way around.