Survivors of narcissistic relationships learn THIS DANGEROUS HABIT…
Have you stopped asking directly for what you need—relying on hints, suggestions, or “gentle nudges” instead? This video unpacks how survivors of narcissistic abuse learn to communicate needs indirectly, why it doesn’t work, and how it leaves you feeling manipulative or ashamed for simply wanting support.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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Vulnerable narcissists quite often hint as well. They love to work in the grey area where they can seem innocent. If you don’t pick up on the hint you will definitely pay for it!
Exactly. They want you to do something without the indignity of having to come out and ask you like you’re an equal person
They want you to read their mind, then use that impossibility as proof of your inadequacy. A whole relationship as catch-22.
Yes, you must read the signs like a freaking divinator. Mindreading is mandatory in these relationships.
Mine is horrible a mix of grandiose and vulnerable😢 good luck ❤
My dad once worked with a family that was extremely dysfunctional, looking back the dad/husband was certainly a narcissist. If his wife or children wanted something he would insist on the opposite. The daughters got an invitation to an event that was extremely important to them, but they knew if they stated the date outright they wouldn’t be able to go. They knew he wanted to butcher a cow around that time, which was a family event, and they knew he’d insist on butchering on the day of their event. So, they went to him and insisted they HAVE to do the butchering on the day of their event, which of course provoked him and he said no way, they’re going to do it the following week. Which cleared the calendar for their event…. Absolutely horrible way to live, but they had learned how to counter manipulate him to be able to be with their friends.
It’s survival . I wish I knew tactics like this earlier in my relationship. So much time lost to only please my husband
Sad they had to, glad they thought to.
This tactic sounds familiar! I can’t tell you how many family trips were ruined because of this type thing. It was impossible to make plans. Most of the time I just ended up canceling. We once planned a weeklong trip to visit family in California. It was expensive. We barely made it to the airport before the plane took off. During a layover he took the kids throughout the airport and barely made it back to the plane before the door closed! I am meanwhile sitting on a plane next to empty seats wondering what I am going to do if they don’t get back on the flight! Once we got there, he stayed drunk almost the entire time. I was on pins and needles the whole trip, afraid to comment because I knew it would make things worse than they were already!
We do this because narcissists counter EVERYTHING, it’s exhausting …..
So true I was talking to an Ex that was one. He harasses me but when I try to let him know He did things to never EVER TRUST HIM HE SAYS HE DID NOTHING WRONG. I BLOCKED THAT FOOL.
Exactly! I’m exhausted from memories just by reading this truth.
Seriously… I remember several times just asking my narcissistic friend do we have to fight about everything that I want or need? With just a couple of little things, can’t you just let me have them? Not the bigger stuff and definitely not with everything but can you please give in on something sometimes? And this was apparently me being controlling. No it wasn’t compromise, this was me being demanding and overbearing.
@@jesseomcdermott I can understand that. 😢
It’s like always swimming upstream. You’re doing your best to keep your chin up while someone is drowning you. It is definitely exhausting.
Narcs don’t like being hinted to. They enjoy being ‘handed’ the power to decide…but, they will not like the final accountability. “You made me do this”
Exactly. They never take responsibility for anything instead blame shift.
Truth
Right on point
I would get a response from the ex narcisstic husband, “why did you let me decide that”. You know I’m stupid? There is no winning, with narcissists other than to leave them in the dust. They are not difficult, they are impossible. They will take the life out of you.
@@aleesharenea1477 Sounds like Europe in general. “Defense spending” and “Ukraine”. They blame Joe and Trump for not doing enough for Ukraine but at the same time they aren’t doing much either. The war is in their backyard.
Being use to Walking on eggshells hinting is a habit even in non toxic relationships. My nontoxic friend is always hinting and it drives me crazy. I know I do this too. But we can get our needs met unlike the toxic relationship with the narcissist.
This resonates with me. For most of my 33 yr marriage to a narcissist, I felt like I was single. I had complete freedom to handle everything in the house with minimal need for consultation or agreement. I’m gradually recovering, learning to be more direct. Thank you, Dr. Ramani!
That sounds very familiar! Single by not “free”
The worst is when they SAY they don’t like when you hint, and that they WANT you to be direct, but then when you are, they rage. It’s not the WAY you ask for something– it’s THAT you ask for anything, at all, ever! They need you to be the needless (non)person. The thing she say about the king wanting it done, but not wanting to know HOW it gets done or WHO does is, just wanting the end result and insisting on being blind to the process that achieves it is so insightful
It’s Pure Survival , a Survival Tactic while navigating a toxic landmine environment. Yes Dr. Ramani I have indeed been accused of ” being manipulative” while walking on eggshells trying to communicate a need
If I asked my husband for help, he’d say “in a minute” repeatedly while he continued to play video games or post comments on the Internet, so he could control the narrative and waste half my day.
I have chosen to learn to give myself the things he refuses to. When he ignored me, I learned to pay attention to myself. When he withheld love, I learned to love myself. I took his leverage away by giving myself what I needed. It doesn’t work for all situations, like the financial control, but it’s a start.
Yes yes yes! 💯 I can only change me. 🎉
Self love is a superpower when it comes to surviving and getting free from these relaitonships.
This is exactly where I’m at right now after my partner’s prolonged stonewalling/ avoidance. Poured into my own self-care/ self-love and now he’s angry about it for taking away his power move (aka, that he can emotionally affect and hurt me)
It was my therapist that pointed out to me that my ex was doing things on purpose, and it wasn’t in my best interest to try and suggest or hint that he do anything differently. Example: the walnut tables in the family room had multiple coasters on them to prevent glasses marking the wood. When he had to make an effort to place his glass down in between all the coasters spread over the tabletop, it was obvious he was purposefully not using the coasters because he knew it would upset me and damage the wood.
Wow, Brilliant and eye-opening. The likes show how so many are relating. I remember, even before I learned about narcissistic abuse, that I would ask for the opposite of what I really needed because it would make them feel like it was their idea, which they love. Unbelievable.
At our house, I’ve been subject to ‘hinting’ for years and have always viewed it as a form of narcissistic manipulation, of purposeful passive-aggressive helplessness. Sometimes it’s used to guilt me into doing something, other times to have me do something they don’t want to do themselves. Either way, it’s a backhanded way to get something they want and totally opposite to the dynamic Dr. Ramani describes in her video.
My hints never made it over the threshold. I am a direct communicator…and that comes with criticism.
I’m told I am aggressive, not assertive.
If I ask a question, I’m told I accuse.
5:20
20 yrs together and along the way I realized that if i directly asked for something specific to be done/changed/ adjusted or really anything then that would mean i had just sealed the fate for my need..it wasn’t going to happen.
Like clockwork. 😢
The breakup of my five-year relationship has left me heartbroken. I’ve tried everything to rekindle things, but so far, nothing has worked, and I’m finding it hard to move on.
It’s hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn’t just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.
Interesting! How did you locate a spiritual counselor, and how can I get in touch with him most effectively?
His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.
Father Obah Eze has also helped my co workers and close friends and even family members get their ex back.
Thank you for sharing this valuable insight. I just looked him up, and I’m genuinely impressed.
Key words- they don’t care. They never did and never will. I thank God I got myself and my kids out when I did. Life is so much better as a single mother! It’s not easy, but it’s a lot more peaceful than when I was with my ex.
Covert narcissists in particular are hyper vigilant and always looking for a trace of passive aggressiveness or criticism. They are incredibly attuned to any thing that can be perceived as exposing their inner thoughts of being a loser. It’s ironic because that’s also how they communicate their needs so they assume (project) that’s what you are doing.
I’m starting to learn the only way to win is not to play the game. If you are in a romantic relationship, you need to figure out your exit plan. There is no way to deal with their disorganized thought pattern.
The more I educate myself, the more I weep for society. These narcissists have embedded themselves in fields of power like policing, therapy and medicine. I don’t know how we can counter this effectively.
I am not a hinter. I am a very direct communicator and get criticized for being unfeminine by some of the narcissists in my life. I just do things myself.
It’s so humiliating to have to behave like this – it really degrades your self-esteem and confidence over time. You cannot be the full adult version of yourself in these relationships.,