Why So Many Women Get Sick Trying to Be “Good” I Autoimmunity & The Good Girls™ OUT NOW!
What happens when the very traits you were praised for—being strong, selfless, helpful, and “good”—come at a cost?
In this powerful conversation, Dr. Ramani sits down with award-winning filmmaker and author Sara Hirsh Bordo to explore the hidden impact of self-abandonment, caretaker conditioning, and the lifelong pressure many women feel to earn love through service. Together, they unpack the “good girl” narrative, the connection between emotional invalidation and physical health, and why so many women struggle to receive care, find their voice, and put themselves first.
If you've ever felt exhausted from carrying everyone else, silenced for speaking up, or praised for being strong while quietly falling apart, this conversation may resonate more deeply than you expect.
Sara's new book, Autoimmunity and the Good Girls, is out now. Order your copy using this link:
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Morning Dr. Ramani! I’m still the strong one 14 years after he died. Thankfully my parents raised strong women…
🙌 here’s to Strong Survivors 🎉❤🎉
Yep. Autoimmune dx of Lupus in 2015. 2 horribly narcissistic abusive marriages, 2 different kinds of narcissists…2 divorces…I got us out…my body is healing little by little, day, by day…Thank you Jesus for healing, education from Dr. Ramani and others, and for support & safe spaces like this!
Peace Be With You on your journey Pamela. I’m glad you’re here ❤
Diagnosed with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome after 10 years of marriage, stayed for 38 years because I didn’t know better!!
I’ve been told it’s rude and intrusive to ask people why they stay in abusive and toxic relationships. But I disagree. I think asking somebody why they stay is the only way to get them to think about their situation. Because like you said a lot of people just don’t know any better. If one of your parents was toxic or abusive you were never taught to think about the situation. Asking somebody after the fact why they stayed so long is the only way to figure out how to fix these problems.
Glad you’re here Lynn and glad you escaped the HELL.. 36yrs of marriage to a Vulnerable Narci wife..BECHETS DISEASE diagnosis in 2007 and currently being Discarded or should I say, FREED.
Peace Be With You on your journey Lynn,.the climb is tough up Survivor Mountain, but the view is amazing 🎉😊🎉
SEE YOU AT THE TOP 🙌
@KaekoickArizonagrew up with a narcissistic abusive father, so it was really 52 years of hell!
@KaekoickArizonamight help preface it with, “this is a question not a judgment. “
Youngest daughter, was forced to take on caregiver role for mother, then father. I have older siblings and an older sister. They expect me to just sacrifice my life. It has cost me my health. When I have mentioned the unfairness of it to other family members, they say well you are very strong and can handle the situation better than others. I’m surrounded by selfish individuals.
Book a months holiday and let your other siblings step in -! Sometimes you have to force family to take responsibility! It’s not fair you are doing it all ! I was the doer for the family now l say no and l am becoming selfish not selfless – and l have a few health issues so l think of myself now!
Glad you’re here Edward and I believe you’re Blessed, as well as those who experience your beautiful Soul…
Peace Be With You on your journey 🤙
I feel you on this. I’m so sorry. Selfish people shouldn’t have children.
🫂
Me too selfish utterly disgusting excuses for humans. Their selfishness and expectation of self sacrifice knows no bounds. I had to care for my angry mother, my useless brother, and manage my disguting father.
Why do they sell the idea that family is your support system? Rarely seen that.
@msredcurtainsyou had a choice – to leave but your obviously an empath!
As an oldest girl child, at 2yrs old, transitioned into SERVITUDE / GOLDEN Child Role Model / Perfectionist Caregiver — in an authoritarian household! Devastating!!! But thru Dr Ramani, I’ve transitioned into Warrior Empath in my 70’s— someone who protects herself above all!!! With this information YOU can do it NOW & not wait till you are older!!!
❤🎉
Said like a true Survivor! ❤ I’m glad you’re here 😊
Her last line hit hard. Thank you for this conversation. The book sounds like a must read. ❤
Thank you so much- I would love to know how the book lands for your own experience and I so appreciate the support!!
That’s me!!!
I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD, GAD and ET (Essential Thrombocytosis) and just got out of a 2-year trauma bond 3 months ago. I am the youngest of 4 girls. I buried my dad, eldest sister, 2nd sister, mom, my cat and my niece and have been taking care of my sister diagnosed with Schizophrenia for the past 16 years. I am super exhausted and fatigued all the time and have been dedicating this year for my holistic healing.
Wow – poor you ! Can your sister not be referred to supported accommodation or similar so that you can begin to take care of you ?
I was punished in my family when I expressed my opinions, needs, and negative feelings, and I was rewarded for being undemanding, compliant, and serving the needs of those in my family whose needs were seen as important. It was a set up for misery. I’m now 62 and have come a long way. Shaking off your chains is a process, and the sooner you start, the better. It is possible to be free of this toxic conditioning. Make up your mind to do so. Persevere.
This 65yr old masculine MAN is in the same boat ladies. 2007 diagnosis of BECHETS DISEASE.
36YRS of marriage to a Vulnerable Narci wife..I’m in the inevitable Discard Phase, but I have accomplished the Blessings of direct parenting of my 5 children through all my relational HELL..
TY for helping me climb SURVIVOR MOUNTAIN (I WAS A MESS 10 MTHS AGO), the climb is tough, but the view is amazing! 🎉
Peace Be With You on your journeys fellow Survivors ❤
SEE YOU AT THE TOP! 🎉😊🎉
Good on you. I’m sending you so much love and wishes complete inner healing, and resulting health improvements.
I’m one of nine siblings who were born to cult founder and most of us have at least one autoimmune or chronic illness, including men and youngest sister. A lot of us have multiple and are still trying to get diagnosis. And most of us married similar narcissistic partners and dated several as well.
@orielwiggins2225Oriel, first, TY for the kind words, secondly, I’m super glad you’re here…May you experience physical, spiritual and psychological healing with this terrible human dynamic
Peace Be With You on your journey to SURVIVOR MOUNTAIN …the climb is tough but the view is amazing! 😊🎉
SEE YOU AT THE TOP! 🎉❤🎉
Well done. Hugs from far away
@bronwyntanner4501TY for the kind words. Peace Be With You on your journey 🕊
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for acknowledging a scenario where the youngest daughter is brought into a role that is harmful to her, with regard to autoimmune issues. I was diagnosed at 21 with Crohn’s but I had been dealing with it (gaslighted along the way) since I was 10, if not younger. I am a youngest daughter. The statistics about oldest daughter are interesting, but I thank you for acknowledging they are not the whole picture.
That’s me! Saying Yes to all of the above questions
I went through that as a child too – telling myself I could no longer just be a child because I was there to help Mom. Nobody else was, and nobody else was asked to help. I finally quit being the one that sent birthday wishes and checked in after natural disasters and long illnesses. No longer uprooting myself and my kids to care for family matters no one else wanted to. Haven’t heard from any of them in a long time now, but my son made sure he told me that his favorite aunt (she always wanted boys but had girls – I had two boys until she set her sights on them) keeps him up to date on all of their news. She even told him she wants her sister (me) back. Not going to happen since my eyes opened and some things about her have been confirmed.
I am the middle child, only daughter, and my body was failing me by my early 40s. Thank you for this precious research to ungaslight all of us who have been silenced into being a good girl❤
Yes, all of the above
I was 9 yrs old when all the above things started. I hate being told I’m so strong while I’m dying on the inside:(
I was the youngest in my family & the only daughter.
It’s not just women who get sick. We need to shine a brighter light on the fact that these things happen to men too. I’m tired of everyone assuming we’re good and fine OR we are the problem. Tired of people looking at me sideways as if I’m saying something outlandish. I’m going through so many medical issues because of the abuse I received.
I am a youngest daughter. The middle child. My sister was the golden child who rebelled. While I was the sweet one who was desperate for connection and validation and I learned to feel valued by being helpful. Which turned into compulsive caretaking and eventually codependency. I haven’t been officially diagnosed yet but it appears I have psoriatic arthritis or rheumatoid arthritis. Been sick for 13 years now. It sucks.
I’ve always had to be the strong one and hold it all together
I’m the youngest and have autoimmune issues. Mom dad and sister were narcissists or sociopaths. I broke away because I’m ND and moved far away and almost took final vows as a nun after 14 years of celibacy. I’m totally different than my family and have no contact with anyone. But I suffer physically from endocrine problems.
Yes to most of those. Shew. Still battle to put myself first. Even put the animals needs before mine!!!!!