Why Narcissists Don’t Have Real Conversations
What if it’s not really a conversation at all? Talking to a narcissist can feel like you’re being pulled into something one-sided — where your words don’t land and everything circles back to them. In this video, we explore why this toxic communication pattern happens, how it leaves you feeling unseen, and what it reveals about narcissistic relationships.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Communicating with them even when speaking about generic and none relationships stuff can cause troubles as many of them like to speak about only the topics they like, they want you to agree and treat their opinions as facts, they challenge facts and they expect you to side with them, they are so ugly that they interrupt you and even accuse you of bragging when you have more knowledge than them in a certain topic, they start and end the conversation whenever they wants…. etc.
This is true! I also find that while they accuse you of bragging when you have more knowledge in a particular area, they tend to brag incessantly about themselves and their knowledge, even when it’s incorrect!
Explains the “main character syndrome” behavior.
Not main character. They’re the ONLY character. I noticed pretty early on that mine seem to not even realize that other people exist.
Except all the other women he wanted to triangulate me with. And now I know those relationships pretty much only existed in his head. Completely delusional.
Its funny how narcissists are considered social and outgoing (grandiose narcissist) but the truth is they are extremely socially awkward and have no social awareness . They make those around them extremely uncomfortable
🎯💯
True!
Because everyone else around them is living in REALITY and the truth when they’re in narcissist world mindset.😊😊😊
THERE it is.
I finally realized the last time I was out in public with him how other people look at him. People just don’t want anything to do with him. I wish I would have had that instinct about him myself when we first met. Maybe I did but I didn’t listen to it.
I feel they also like to tell you stories about other people they know or give unsolicited advice rather than actually acknowledge anything you’ve just said or engage meaningfully in a conversation.
Yes, it magnifies the perception that they are experts in something.
Don’t bother trying to tell them about a hobby you’re interested in either! Or they’ll tell you all about how if you’re not attempting to make a fruitful career off of a hobby you just discovered, then why do it. Along with a bunch of other unsolicited “advice”.
This! I really want to know more about this, because I have, well had until recently, a friend who could never seem to listen to me but would talk over me or interrupt to tell me about other people. It wasn’t even about herself. It was people I didn’t know or barely knew. It just dawned on me while writing this that me not knowing them as well as her made HER the expert on them. *Jaw drop* If it was someone we did both know, the topic would be something I didn’t know yet that SHE did, and looking back, it seemed like an “I’m closer to them than you are” kind of thing. Anything that I knew about but she didn’t was completely uninteresting to her unless she started doing it too, at which point she acted like she started it instead of me. So bizarre in the moment, but after taking some time just observing, I couldn’t unsee the pattern. She made my bday about her, the holidays about her, everything was about her thoughts, her opinions, her interests, and her OTHER friends. I didn’t matter. I was just an audience that could be easily replaced by a chatbot or maybe even a wall. It was so draining, and I eventually had to be honest with myself. She was NOT MY friend. I was hers.
My feeling when being with them one-on-one was that it didn’t matter one bit who was sitting across from them, they just need an audience that is willing to listen to them, they have zero interest in the other person or what they have to say. They lead monologues, and are uninterested in having dialogues, unless during love-bombing when they listen intently. It’s like listening to a cult leader.
Very true about their observations or rather rants about the world! They also subtly slip criticism of you into those broader complaints.
This is so true. They’ll start the same story with the same exact wording to each captive audience again and again.
Exactly. And if no one is around, they’ll be talking on their phone all day. An old roommate of mine had narcissistic behaviors and she was like that. She would FaceTime people literally all day long and I could always hear the entire conversation. She would make multiple calls to different people but would tell the same exact story to every person
They talk AT you…not WITH you.
And if they DO talk TO you, it’s a commentary on your decisions or actions.
These people are exceptionally rigid & they find issues with everything.
And they do not care about dumping all that complaining & judgmental attitude on the world.
🎯
Yup. After the first few years, that’s all it was. She had no interest in hearing me about anything at all. Then she wondered why I was frustrated.
Both of my parents are like this. It’s so aggravating
Wow! Do you know my husband’s daughter, Heather, who pulled a commentary ( love your word) , that I referred to as an ” employee review- with dates no less.
She sent that to me via email with the starting line ” I would think that at your age you would know better..” That’s all I read, scrolled and saw long dissertations ( lots of words ) and dates! I had enough.
I blocked her cell, her email and haven’t spoken to her in 2.5 years. When she comes to house to see her dad, I’m gone. It still hurts, but I’m learning about this sick mind – slowly – and what to do about it. For now, I have more peace.
You’re absolutely right 💯
I was saying this a couple of days ago to my spouse: They don’t have conversations with someone to bring depth to the relationship. They would rather debate anything you say . You walk away knowing nothing deeper about the person or even how they really feel. It’s a shallow relationship and should be treated as such .
Yes, a debate they will win.
The constant debating was soul-destroying. In the end, I’d say let’s agree to disagree. You have your view, I have mine. Wrong answer! They’ll chip and chip away until you capitulate to their worldview. They are always right and everyone else is dumb and inferior.
The only thing you will learn is their deeply ingrained opinions that they will not budge on.
My life and just had a one sided view conversation with my neurotic narcissist.😢😢😢😮😮😮
Exactly so! 🎯
Because they don’t live in reality—only in their own fictional world.
They act like total nutcases. There’s nothing to be done.
Yep
Some even ask you a question and won’t pay attention to the answer…
Sadly, this goes back to mom’s 20 questions. As one was being answered, it was obvious another was in the hopper. It was as if the answer wasn’t important.
My mom lives this way. She doesnt care what the answer is. She even cuts me off and starts talking again, even talking over me, because she honestly does not care about an answer.
@whipwalk😂 that’s what my mum does.wonder what a “conversation” between the two of them would be about😅
YES, or argue with your answer!
Exactly. Just to try to play the part
Wow that is so spot on. Just relieving some conversations made me feel exhausted. They don’t listen to understand, they listen to respond.
I am STARVING for real conversations
Make the two of us! I also starve for real just plain play..
I am so sick of endless “achievements ” and empty sentences initiated when they want to ask for favours..always taking and never giving! Who birthed and raised these people?
Me too
Same!
Be careful.
Me too
What struck me most is that these conversations often look like conversations from the outside.
They listen. They nod. They respond.
But you leave feeling unseen.
It took me years to realize that the problem wasn’t that they couldn’t hear me. The problem was that there was very little genuine curiosity about who I was, how I felt, or what I was trying to say.
The hardest part wasn’t the conflict.
It was the loneliness of being in a relationship where the conversation always came back to them.
Worse than being alone is being alone in a relationship.
Because He/She is ALL that Matters. Everyone else can drop dead, Suffering.
The last time I saw him I told him he needed to at least TRY to fake interest in other people. Haven’t spoken to him since.
Every single time…😮😢😂
If you just lost a pet, don’t bother telling a narcissist. You’ll get 10 seconds of pity, then twenty minutes of how they lost The Perfect Pet five years earlier. The pain of your loss, fresh as it is, cannot possibly compare to their old and carefully curated pain.
Yes. They talk endlessly. Five different completely pointless things in a single sentence. I arrive at 8 am and at 4 pm I’ve heard about everything from the baby birds being eaten by the cat to the neighbour lady overcooking a dish. Not a single question about me. And yes, it is alway negative, nitpicky and making everyone and everything be below them.
Recently asked my partner in the middle of a conversation, “Do you talk to understand, or just to be right?”
This doesn’t sound like any kind of partner, sadly. I hope you can move on.
If they’re the only ones talking, then no one can possibly see how insecure and childish they are inside! Because there definitely aren’t any other signs..
What was their response?
That sounds healthy lol
People are socially inept today. I feel like I’m always competing with them. I have pretty much given up. Phones have destroyed communication and any feeling of intimacy. I’m glad I’m older and I was able to enjoy real relationships. Thanks for everything you do, Dr. Ramani. Hugs from Michigan.
I had a “friend” who once told me I was one of her “best friends,” and I was stunned to hear this, because she never showed genuine interest in me or my life, she just wanted an audience. Eventually, I stopped being her audience.
Yes. I had one of those for almost 40 years before I realized I was dealing with a narc
Same! This person was very critical of me, and deliberately excluded me from a social group she knew I was keen to join, but when I was moving away felt very sorry for herself because I was her “only friend”. I was so confused! I later realised that our conversations were always at her convenience, and were about her interests.
Thanks for spelling it these narcissist behaviours, Dr R. I have discarded a few people from my life, but I’m less lonely.
This couldn’t be more true. There are NEVER any meaningful follow up questions or genuine interest in your experience or what you are saying. They look past you if you are speaking, act completely disinterested, say “right, right”… and then bring it back to them or a completely unrelated topic, or just question the minutia of what you are saying, anything that is not at all relevant to the point of your sentence(s). It’s awful.
“At the end of the day it’s a fucking soliloquy.” I love it.
They monologue at us.