How Narcissists Get What They Want Without Ever Asking
How do narcissists seem to magically get everything they want without ever having to ask? In this video, Dr. Ramani explores a subtle but powerful form of narcissistic manipulation that can leave you constantly anticipating someone else's needs while your own go unmet. Discover how this dynamic develops, why it can be so difficult to recognize, and the surprising way narcissists turn it around on you when you finally speak up.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
They use indirect manipulation to get what they want, if that doesn’t work, they start blackmailing and threatening and all sort of dirty tactics.
Physical intimidation, lies, dangerous “accidents” with your children or pets, “accidentally” destroying your important things, whatever works.
Coercive control results totally take over.
They manipulate your emotions. They play the victim. They guilt-trip you. They make you feel obligated.
After they’ve conditioned you over a long period of time, this response becomes automatic in you. It’s like Pavlov’s dogs. When they say “jump”, you say “how high?” – without even thinking about it. Because it’s not really you. It’s a form of brainwashing. And it’s something they had to learn to get their needs met. Because otherwise they wouldn’t get what they want. You would reject them.
You have captured my experience with frightening accuracy. I left in May 2026 – drove away with the intention of staying away – without saying anything. When I got to town, after talking with a DV counselor, and with her blessing, I called him to tell him I had left him so he would not call the troopers. In two sentences from him I was headed back there, where I apologized and said I would try harder. It was like I was hypnotized – what I can only ascribe to that Pavlov conditioning, Cult-like. When I awoke the next morning, I started planning to kill him. Still in a dissociated state, I spent a week going to work for the day (he does not work), and planning his accidental or suicidal demise in the nighttime hours. After a week, I decided I could not risk going to prison – so I began carefully planning my escape. Three months later, I left again. This time, I prepared better – bank account, PO box and a cheap studio apartment all ready. I left a note with a clear statement of what I expected: don’t call me or my work or my family. If you do, I will quit my job and disappear. He needs my money from work. He managed our finances and we have no savings – only a house that is run-down, but paid for. I fielded emails to prep for filing for divorce – which I did. He answered without disagreement. In 32 days, there is a hearing and if he does not throw up some argument about he settlement, we will be divorced on that day.
It’s all horrible I am staying away it’s not fare to give and get northing in return. Thank you.❤
They believe in using others
You avoid overt misery by choosing covert misery. God Im glad I took the plunge and tore myself away from that dynamic
Not only are they indirect communicators when it comes to their needs, but when it comes to meeting the needs of someone else, they give what they want you to have or what they expect you to be content with, which, in most cases, will differ from what you actually want.
A severely underrated point, imo
They give what you have said NO to hundreds of times and rage out at your “ungratefulness”.
Don’t forget the “garbage gifts” that narcissists are known to give. They’ll find the ugliest most useless items and expect you to be grateful for them. And if you dare say it’s not something you like, all hell breaks loose, about how you are never satisfied and you can’t just be happy with a gift,
@nataliesh.1924. My mother in law gives us things students have given her that she doesn’t want. My brother in law gave us a massive, broken TV. We hurt our backs and paid to dispose of it. They are sadistic, selfish, creeps.
There’s no need to feel guilt when you stop responding to the narcissist.
Well said! I remember I once said to a survivor that once I realized they were NEVER going to be satisfied with anything, including me, I stopped trying to please them. A look of terror crossed her face at just the idea of not pleasing them. I said you can’t feel guilty about not being able to do the impossible.
I don’t feel guilt. I feel fear 😢
@Tünde26I’m so sorry. I know. I will pray for you.
@Tünde26As Dr. Ramani would say, That’s a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances. Especially with a violent Narc. In one video she mentioned that some people have to pretend everything is fine to be safe until they can leave. It’s different for everyone.
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Dr Romani this one is definitely one of your best videos.
It is such a great explanation of keeping the peace of narcissistic relationships. They argue like lawyers. Unbelievably how they believe they are more empathic than most. The entitlement, the selfishness to get him what they want. It’s a parasitic balance.
You keep meeting they’re unspoken needs. It’s insidious.. thanks Dr Romani again
They can be passive-aggressive, coercively controlling weirdos who never ask for what they want because they’ve trained their victims to meet their needs.
Self abandonment. It’s what they look for and most poor suckers are able and willing too
Man!!! I was just thinking how they are able to do this.. and you answered it.
Yep! It’s not all covert guilting and manipulation, either. Often, it’s rage and tantrums, and that’s enough to keep people willing to do anything to prevent such occurrences, if the folks are trapped in that relationship.
No matter what you do, it will *always* be wrong. That’s how they function. You do what you think they want done based on past experiences, but then claim that’s not what they want done or “didn’t ask you to do that”, but then if you didn’t get it done it becomes “why didn’t you do that”. It’s maddening and that’s the point. If you notice patterns like this, RUN! And don’t look back!
Also, the only people left in a narcissists life are either other narcissists, flying monkeys or actual genuinely kind and caring people that do try and what they know you want done and are too kind to kick the narcissist to the curb.
They take one small act (a missed call or one boundary) and drift the conversation into an attack on your whole character (‘After everything I’ve done for you’). Soren’s counter-move—’What is the one specific act I am answering for?’—cuts the string immediately.
Yes, they literally treat these small things like the apocalypse, and the person they are attacking caused it. Its definitely weird.
he explains that smart manipulators never deny a provable fact—they admit the fact and shrink the size using words like ‘just’ and ‘only’ so you look crazy for reacting. next time someone does it, use Soren’s line: ‘Leave out the word just. Tell me again what happened.’ watching them freeze up is priceless.
Soren’s mentor at Harvard spent his entire career studying domination, the mechanics of cruelty, and the anatomy of the con. In Method 14 (One-Down), Soren literally had to remove six lines from his professor’s notes on how to build dependency in a partner because they were too dangerous to print. Once you read this book, you will see the strings in every room you walk into.
My father’s “superpower” was the quiet threat of a tantrum.
Fear – my motivator and friend in every attempt at getting it “right”.
Having to ask for their needs to be met would involve taking responsibility, and, having to say thank you. Both these things are not part of their MO
The soul sucking fog and mental agony they put you through!