Can you be mad at someone if their narcissism was shaped by trauma? It’s a question many survivors wrestle with, and it’s not as simple as it sounds. In this video, we explore the tricky balance between understanding the roots of narcissism and recognizing the harm their behavior causes. If you’ve ever felt conflicted about blaming someone who hurt you, this is a must-watch.
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Thank you Dr Ramani for all that you do!! ❤
No I don’t believe it. I remember a sibling since a baby, before the heavy sht took place. Always a dishonest, devious, envious and manipulating hypocrite with a masterfully angelic look. Nearly all of us have traumas, not all of us as spineless and shameless sadists
True. It’s a choice how we respond to trauma. Or, better said, how we treat people. How we choose to deal with our trauma. Etc.
Exactly- I had it so bad in the 60’s& 70’s , my so called mother was super mean& extra cruel. Thank you . Took me 60 years to realize the truth& why I was so depressed& I drank& my life was a mess not believing in myself. Now I feel healed. What a breath of fresh air.
I am in a similar situation and my narcissst family is like you have no right to feel like this but they do the same disrespectful gaslighting and manipulation against you and gaslighting you need to take “accountability ” but they are the same ones who mistreated and gsslighted you the scapegoat survivor TO MAKE YOU GUILTTRIP AND FEEL BAD and i hope we all will make it❤
It took me almost 5 decades to realize what I was dealing with. I knew that things were not right for awhile but nvr knew what until I was 48 and I’ll be 50 in April. My father alcoholic and narc and mother and that side of family narcissistic. They’re all cut off. The last one was my narc mother who on 11/14/2024, I packed my things and my daughter and dog and walked away in silence with my head held high. Stay strong everyone ❤💪🌹🙏✌️💯
❤❤❤
I experienced PTSD after being assaulted, which was a significant turning point in my life. During that time, I was deeply in love with someone special. However, I made the difficult decision to let that person go because I believed it was in their best interest. I wanted to protect them from the potential impact of my trauma, recognizing that personal healing was my priority. The abusive narcissist has no leg to stand on.
This comment should be pinned to the top of the list!
@justme9818 Thank you 😊
I read somewhere that just because a tiger eats meat doesn’t mean you have to be dinner. This really helped me with my guilt about the way I handle the narcissist. I don’t know if narcissists choose to be this way or not, but the fact is that they are this way. I can choose whether or not I want to be dinner.
They do not choose to be this way. But you definitely do not have to serve yourself up as dinner either.
@@judithargitay9860 at some level at some point in their life, they did choose narcissism as a coping mechanism.
It’s just so deeply embedded in them that they don’t know this consciously, nor do they see it as wrong, nor do they want to change their ways.
I love this! Thank you!
It’s the choice part that troubles me. Most that i have known seem to be missing the ability to choose a better way and become infuriated at the suggestion that they need to change. It makes them worse and more vindictive. That seems like a conscious choice at that point. Whether they do or not… aquired or genetic, i get it… i don’t have to be their victim. I choose to walk away and stay with people who can choose and want to choose a happier, more caring, and civilized way.
@TheLakingc at some point they did choose it as a coping mechanism. And they can’t let go of it because that would mean facing the truth about themselves.
At some point they have to take accountability for their personhood. They can do the work to not actively be causing people harm. They choose not to.
💯💯💯💯💯💯💯
Agreed!
With four strikes against her growing up in her family (Psychopathic father, severe alcoholism, incest & witnessing the death of a young sibling) my ex wife had a lot to overcome.
However, there was no attempt at selfreflection and no accountability.
Her attempts to harm our children was inexcusable!
Yes. To refrain from actively causing people harm. That is what should be expected from everyone. Narcs can do that, but they just don´t want to because they don´t have much empathy.
NPD means they can’t entertain the fact that they might be wrong. So you will NEVER get a narc to face their mistakes or weaknesses. Don’t bother trying just go no contact and walk away!
Everybody went through some degree of trauma in their life growing up. That doesn’t give you an excuse to go around hurting people to get back at the world.
Exactly!!
Amen!!🤷♀️👌
Exactly!! I had to tell someone, just because someone has declared that they have victim status doesn’t sanction additional boundary violations. Meanwhile, I’m teaching my toddler the same stuff.
Exactly. Maybe it would sound inappropriate, but I relate trauma with std – yes you get it from someone (generation trauma), and if you aware you have two ways – treat it so u won’t give it forward, or staying away from others so you won’t harm anyone. But you can’t hurt people and claim that you are victim of another one (by ur parents or anything).
It may be the reason. It is not an acceptable excuse to continue those behaviours
Two videos in one day? Dr. Ramani is on a mission, sheesh! You are saving lives, sister.
The biggest realization I’ve had with regard to having a narcissistic spouse is that I can’t fix it. We can’t be responsible for fixing damage we neither caused or have any ability to assist with. It’s best to just separate as best you can and wish them well. No need to carry a grudge around that will only harm you.
Just leaving and letting go isn’t always an option especially if they hold assets hostage and still want to hold on to you and manipulate you in this manner. It’s not right and it certainly isn’t just!
1:15 That’s how I put up with my mother until I turned 50. Until I realized no matter how difficult your life was, it doesn’t mean that you need to take out on others. Otherwise, all killers would get away with murder.
One of the biggest narcs in my life had an absolutely horrific childhood and he played that very well to wrap me around his thumb. But….. I’m sure his mother was one mean witch, AND, he also has now become the very thing he hated and that traumatized him. Both things can be true at the same time. I am sympathetic to this day, but I no longer excuse his behavior. Of course when I stopped excusing his bad behavior the relationship went south.
Whatever made your narcissist the way they are doesn’t change the fact that the relationship you have with them is dangerous for you. Early abuse is a tragedy for all who experience it but that doesn’t mean you’re responsible or obligated to put up with their way of managing that abuse. You have a responsibility and a right to protect yourself from such behavior. Life is complicated and just because you engaged with a narcissist doesn’t mean you’re now obligated to live in their world and be abused by proxy for all the things that went wrong for them. It’s sad it happened but they still own their behavior and they’re responsible for their actions. Empathy is wasted when it come to narcissists.
“Your personality and your childhood wounds are sort of making the narcissistic person’s life easier– the narcissistic person’s childhood wounds and personality are making your life more difficult”– TRUTH BOMB!!! 🤯
Agreed. They pick on people with trauma to get their nails in and manipulate that weaknesses.
The cruel narc behavior is INTENTIONAL. They turn it ON or OFF as they see fit. Lots of people suffered trauma as a child yet did not choose to be evil as a result. They carefully hide behind a charming facade, especially early in a relationship.
Exactly! I had it rough but promised myself to carry good energy later in life and inspire others as a teacher. I’ve stayed true to my word.
Ugh. My Narc mother blames everything on her childhood and everything else in her past. Two of her favorite lines are “Who has been through as much as me??”, and “She/He couldn’t live a day of my life!!”. She thinks she’s a heroine in her own life story. When I was a teenager and would fight with her when she would get on her high horse of martyrdom id point to the old couple down the street who owned and ran a newspaper/ candy store. They were Auschwitz survivors with the tattoos still on their arms. Both lost their entire families in the gas chambers. They were as nice as could be. Never complained and had two well adjusted kids. My mother would just scoff at me and say I was too young to understand or have the temerity to compare her suffering to theirs. Sigh.
I often feel bad thinking that what kind of trauma he must have been through in his childhood.that a small innocent kid became like this as a protection mechanism. I get angry at his parents. Even though we are not together It makes me sad . , I wished he would have been opened to accept love and compassion!! He doesn’t even realize what he missed in life . Hope he will be able to feel love truly .
May God bless him ..
All this makes so much sense to me now. I Am a little overwhelmed right now. You hit the nail on the head. Dealing with this is so hard.
Understanding that a narcissist’s behavior may stem from trauma can offer some compassion, but it doesn’t excuse the harm they cause. It’s important to recognize your own boundaries and protect your peace, even when someone’s actions are shaped by past pain. Recognizing the cause doesn’t mean tolerating the behavior—it’s about finding a balance between empathy and self-care.
Waking up in my own apartment day one for this new chapter of my life.
🎉 I see you and celebrate you! I remember when I experienced this upside-down change 9/21/23…It has not been easy, BUT it was NOT Me (Dr. Ramani) I say the same to You!!🙏🏾
❤❤🙏🙏thank you @valiizajames925 I will check in on here yearly to reflect back. I’m definitely excited to bet on myself again. Hope all is well on your end & wishing you all the best in all the chapters of your life. We made the hardest decision ever and that gives me comfort in any challenges to come I know we can conquer it.
Thank you, Dr. Ramani, for this very clear explanation – “understanble but inexcusable” . I believe this is key to how we can let people understand the way we feel about harmful and abusive narcissistic behaviour to people around them/