How black and white thinking fuels the TRAUMA BOND
In a narcissistic relationship, you’re either all good or all bad—there’s no in-between. One day, you’re their favorite person; the next, you’re the enemy, and you have no idea what changed. This black-and-white thinking isn’t just how they see you—it’s how they see the world, and it keeps you stuck, constantly trying to stay on their "good" side. Let’s break down why narcissists live in extremes and how this fuels the trauma bond.
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This is like hell on earth!
Dr Ramani this breakdown of black-and-white thinking in narcissistic relationships is so spot on. The constant cycle of being idealized and then devalued is exhausting and deeply damaging. What’s truly unsettling is how this conditioning starts in childhood for many—learning to suppress parts of yourself just to maintain the illusion of ‘being good’ in the narcissist’s eyes. The trauma bond makes you feel like you’re just one step away from finally making things right, but the reality is, you’re sacrificing your true self in a game you can never win. I personally went through this in my childhood and can relate; you literally have to fight yourself against the programming you were embedded in and almost break free from the limitations you placed on yourself from others fears, lacks, limitations. Break free people and own your life back and live it to the moon.
Healing begins when you realize you don’t have to keep proving your worth to someone who refuses to see it. Life exists in the gray—where real love, real relationships, and real self-acceptance thrive. Thank you for shedding light on this cycle. More people need to hear this and wake up from the illusion! Great Video!
“The back and forth, back and forth, and back and forth that the INFJ hates.” – Wenzes
RUN!!!!!!! (I married/divorced *2* Narcs) Love bombed into #2- 💥💔 then Woke Up. 1990.
I could write the book.
This makes sense, for the rest of your life♡
1 Corinthians 10:29 “Conscience…! Never live by Another’s Approval, no debate, no exceptions!
Walk on.
Their good behavior once in a while keeps us thinking that they are changing and that’s what keeps us in the relationship for a long time.
@sushmayen , breadcrumbs don’t nourish the body or soul well.
I agree
Exactly. It gives us the false hope that this was just a bad day for them and they’ll revert to normal, and not actually evidence of a never ending behavior problem.
I dont even have to do anything to be put “back” in the Bad Role. In fact, my doing nothing wrong will ensure a verbal lashing is close at hand. I have become the emotional whipping post. 😢
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Dr Ramini. Thank you so much for your validation and insight. ❤
My narcissist takes it as far as the actual colors not just thinking. Loves black and white but hates the color grey! Cooks on either on high or low, never simmer in the middle. It’s so weird!
Your toddler 😉 but it’s not your duty to enable him
@caroleminke6116 my mother and she could never change unfortunately 🥺
My narc was mad at my grandchildren did not address him the moment they walked in the door. He saud he was raised that way! They were 4 & 8. I told him, we must set the example of greeting them first! What a child!😮😅
There was a period of time when I was a teenager that my dad wanted me and my brother to greet him and hug him at the door when coming home from work. My brother didn’t seem to question it, but I did. I didn’t know how to explain it then, but I didn’t like it and it felt like manipulation and disrespecting boundaries. Supposedly dad wanted this because he didn’t feel appreciated enough or was raised to believe this was normal. Maybe for kids to do, but teenagers? I have questioned at times if my dad was a narcissist for that and other certain rules or beliefs he had.
Everybody is mommy supply to a narcissist, including children & especially wives who enable them. They’re still preadolescent for a reason! Narcs never separated from mother by age 3 & it’s not your job to raise him 😉❤
Dr Ramani didn’t miss a punch on this one! I was zapped right back into my upbringing. My head even hurts!! I tried my best to pretty much avoid my narc parent. But of course this didn’t always work out! Unfortunately there are too many narcissists in our societies. I need to lay down! I’ve been zapped! Yes I totally get it !! The pieces of the puzzle to my life where there will be a missing piece here and there. I can thank the narcissist on that!
This one addressed my career with such frank clarity that it shocked me, like an ice plunge. One of those times when I have never heard my own experiences addressed so directly. Thank you so much, Dr. Ramani. I did get out but am not all the way through the emotional woods yet . . . as my reaction to this video just reminded me.
I just wanted to say. I think that this also affects survivors of narcissistic relationships. From my own experience, I have cut myself completely off from my narc family. I see myself as a truthteller and the invisible child that became a scapegoat. I noticed recently my family’s black and white thinking rubbed off on me. I noticed myself hijacking conversations to give information on the topic and then sitting there, expecting to get a gold star for being “good”. I also notice myself needing to make arguments where there is only right and wrong. Sometimes I notice this pattern can be so pointless, why did I even feel I so desperately needed to give my opinion on this pointless thing to be thought of as good? Other times I notice that when I hijack a conversation, I end up hurting someone else in the process by stifling their engagement in the conversation. What’s the point of getting a gold star if I end up hurting somebody else in return.. Sometimes I think its really hard to heal from narcissistic family systems because when you come out of it, your entire view of the world around you is so warped out of reality. You have so much empathy but there are also so many moments where the empathy suddenly escaped you because you were acting out in your trauma. Picking up the pieces and learning why you behave the way you do is the hardest part.
I think black or white thinking keeps us in a magical place where we hope to finally experience right & not wrong… it kept me looking for Mr Right but I only attracted narcissists who pretended to be a good guy until no more Mr. Nice Guy!
I agree totally. These patterns are what has led me to question if I’m the Narcassistic! Thank God we are all listening to this amazing lady, and talking to each other. I wish peace of mind and heart to all of us on here.
This is devastating, I had two narcissitic parents, extremely abusive and they completely isolated me from the rest of the world, I’m a lone wolf but I had no idea that this had anything to do with the black or white thinking.
I’ve been in therapy for 28 years now and no therapist ever pointed that out. I always think in black or white and that leaves me alone. I’m going to talk to my current therapist about this issue but I don’t know if she’s going to take it in account. Thank you Dr. Ramani, you’re a life saver
It’s the hallmark of narcissistic personality disorder & evident in Trump’s behavior with his staff since no one can ever stay in his white list for long… that blacklist is always next
I am with you there. I am 72 and learned at the age of 4 I had to take care of myself and that is exactly what I did. In my 50’s I fell and fractured my skull. My colleagues had to hunt to find a relative’s phone number because the hospital wanted to life flight me to a trauma center. Guess how many times my family called me – once. When I went back to teaching a student said didn’t your family come to visit (they lived in another state). I made the mistake of saying “Why, I didn’t die.” To me, that was a normal response.
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100 percent spot-on analysis of narcissistic black and white thinking, and the trauma bond that results.
Part of their paranoia as well as their lack of internal regulation
Wow, so Brilliant. “Don’t allow their splitting of you to become your reality.” Listening again right now.
❤❤ Dr Ramani, you won’t believe how much I keep you in my corner. Tk u, Tk u .. Love you ❤
*7:25* “When it’s going their way, it’s good and when it’s not going their way, it’s bad.”
Exactly. Something didn’t go my “mother’s” way over two months ago and she hasn’t spoken to me since, not even when she knew I was sick a couple of weeks ago.
That’s fine. I’m doing the slow fade as I’m getting my ducks in a row to leave this town where I was born, raised, and traumatized, so it works perfectly. It only further confirms that I’m making the right decision to cut ties and it’s the fuel needed for me to go through with it.
You just described my childhood. As long as I was doing what the narcissistic parents wanted, I was considered good. I had to think the way they wanted. I couldn’t have a mind of my own. I had to leave the narcissistic family cult to save my mental and physical health.
I used to refer to this kind of behavior as “absolutism”. Right or wrong – no middle ground. It is exhausting trying to keep the narcissist happy – soul-sucking. Thank you for shining a clarifying light on what this is. Radical acceptance is the only solution – you cannot please the narcissist, you cannot change them, they won’t see the damage they cause – or if they do, they will think it is justified, or the victim’s fault. Get away from them if you can and protect your peace.
For years, I felt trapped in the same cycle, no matter how much I tried to change. Reading Mind Decoding by Keezano opened my eyes to what was really holding me back—my own subconscious energy patterns. Once I shifted my thoughts and realigned my energy, everything started changing. The way life responded to me was unreal, it was a breakthrough I never expected.. I just wish I had found this book sooner🙏🏼❤
thanks for sahring!
I have to admit, I was spared that kind of intoxicating joy of having Mother pleased with anything I did; she was so interested in my ‘perfect’ brother, I existed as a servant if I existed at all. It was actually rather easy: He was good because he was just like her, while I am crazy (autistic, but not diagnosed until I was 19) so I was evil, no matter what I did.
It actually made things rather simple, despite the perpetual cruelty that only stopped because I won’t go near her now. The only thing that surprised her about me was that I didn’t want to be part of the family, and why should I, when it would only end in my being insulted, hurt, humiliated, and made to serve?