Gray Rocking 101
Gray rocking is one of the most widely discussed strategies for managing narcissistic and high-conflict people—but it is often misunderstood. In this video, Dr. Ramani breaks down what gray rocking really is, when it may help, and where its limits begin.
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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
Gray rocking takes practice and consistency.
Absolutely.
The real gray rocking only happens when you truly believe that they are hopeless, and by doing so, your are not punishing them but protecting yourself.
When I finally learned to gray rock, it looked like this. He’d ignore a direct question, which used to get me to ask several times (would you like breakfast? I was trying to be helpful but he’d ignore the question until I got irked. What’s with that?). So eventually I learned to ask once (and then not ask at all) , but before he could show that he was trying to bother me, I’d quietly leave the room-And often the house. Essentially it was establishing a boundary, but I removed the supply.
Brilliant! Thanks for sharing..i do something very similar. I ask once very politely and clearly. He either ignores or hmmms(whatever that means).. but i know he heard me. Still no direct reply. I leave the room. It took me years to train my brain not to get triggered.
@ai172, Yes! Once we know what it is, it’s easy to see it.
I quietly left the house too with my 4 year old daughter and moved to another country. Ten years later he is in jail for murdering his girlfriend’s 21 year old daughter who had a young child.
@NadyahGrace😰💔
@NadyahGrace 😢😢😢😢
Whew !!! Thank God You got out !!!
now no one can say You were Overreacting
But that’s how violent and dangerous he is.
I’m pretty sure that’s the
Dark Triad Personality
And Definitely Pcycopathic
Definitely Pcycopathic.
It’s hard when you have kids. Sometimes when you need an answer to picking up kids etc. they give you the runaround. You have to email back. But really thinking out how to respond without emotion
I call it not engaging. Turns out I gray rocked my husband and didn’t realize that was what it was called. I shared less and explained less. It actually worked because it gave him no supply. Took a while to get to that point but gray rocking really helped.
Gray rocking is an energy drain. It was easier after I left home and was very busy starting my life and finding work. When I was getting married and started a family much of her B$ started again but I still wanted my mom in my life at least sometimes. My mistake. But after my son was born her right to intrude, say whatever she wanted, act like a spoiled child and humiliate me reared it’s ugly head again. When she early retired she became unbearable and her boredom turned into contempt and hostility. If I had it all to do over again I think I woulda walked away on my 18th birthday.
Eyes opened as I matured. She would never get it and truly change. What few times she did act in my interest were few and far between and in all honesty a show to prove to others she was a positive influence on me for the most part. But I could write a novel on the times she gloated when I was being poorly treated by others. Kinda sadistic when you think about it…..her pleasure when I was uncomfortable and even hurting.
I can not advise others. I can only say if 62yr old me could give guidance to 18 yr old me that I would say put your hopes and dreams on hold for 5 or 6 yrs and get the hell out now. Just my 2 cents ….
as someone who’s been following for more than two years, this headline made me go “awww” 😀
Grey Rocking only works for the one being abused. It doesn’t improve a relationship, it helps the Victim cope in that moment. You can be the most boring person but if you have what the Narcissist wants they’ll keep you close.
I might work for a little bit but its not doable.
I just learned that if one thing gets fixed there’s ALWAYS going to be something else
I’m a narc and my ex just gray rocked me for 3 months after our breakup and now I know how horrible I am.
I wish dr ramani was my therapist
Shes awesome
She is if you listen to her.
@debinmn1 Second that!
Gray rock whether in written or verbal communication is a way to conserve energy. We need to stop wasting precious energy on toxic people. It’s not “acting” or “feigning” boredom. It’s about protecting one’s own peaceful state of mind and not letting others disturb our peace with their negative and turbulent energy.
Finally some good news after 50 years of abuse!! Great video and may it empower many and wishing youz all a peace filled life.
Brilliant. It’s so cool that this concept is helping in other branches of life. It becomes more and more clear in these amazing videos that Gray Rocking is NEVER to control or influence the narcissist’s behavior, but instead to protect your Health and Sanity.
After decades and decades of suffering as the scapegoat in a narcissistic family I finally see the daylight. Not all the time. Sometimes the demons come back accusing me of being selfish. Grayrocking has been working for me. When I talk on the phone or through email to my sister (who lives in another state and is terminally ill (I think)), I just respond. I feel indifferent towards her. We both suffered in our family. I was given the scapegoat role while she just continued the abusive traditions. You might wonder about the terminally ill part. Why don’t I know for sure? We all know the answer to that – knowledge is power and it is the last bit of control she can have against me.
Do not give the best parts of yourself over to the narcissist. That line alone is worth watching the entire video. Gray rock isn’t cruelty or coldness; it’s emotional self-defense when no contact isn’t an option. Thank you for validating what so many of us have to endure just to survive day to day.
I just gave gray rocking advice to a young person starting grad school, who unfortunately had a narc tried to attach to her
It worked
She called me last night and said the narc latched onto to someone else
This is exactly what I needed to hear right now. Thanks ♥
Just had a situation where I almost fell for the bait and you reminded me why I’m doing this.
The gray rock holding in the beginning = GOLD! Thanks for the smile, Dr. Ramani!!
I had someone irritated at me tell me “I hate when you are so fucking calm!”. I asked them why and they just walked away even more irritated. 🤷♀️