The SECRET DOUBLE LIFE of a narcissistic relationship (WATCH THIS)
What happens when you realize you are in a narcissistic relationship but cannot leave right away? In this video, Dr. Ramani reflects on insights from Dr. Ruth, whose TikTok series documents her experience of preparing to leave a toxic relationship, and explores the hidden reality of living a secret life while planning what comes next.
Watch Dr. Ramani’s full conversation with Dr. Ruth about the difficult process of preparing to leave a toxic relationship—available exclusively on The Dr. Ramani Network. Click the link below to become a member and watch the episode.
====================
MORE FROM DR. RUTH
Instagram: @healingbythenumbers
TikTok: @healingbynumbers_
====================
MORE FROM DR. RAMANI
ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
JOIN THERAPISTS ONLY (PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS)
VISIT MY WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED RESOURCES AND HOTLINES
====================
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.
They keep you in an endless cycle of promises: “I will never leave you”, “you are the love of my life”, “I can never imagine my life without you” and so on, they are at the same time navigating what options they have at work, study, or whatever social circles they surround themselves with! While you have no chance of leaving, they are preparing for their next target or victim, name it whatever way you like!
This is so true. My extremely controlling and clingy narc ex decided to do his masters degree in a city 600km away (there were enough options nearby) and left me alone with the expensive apartment we shared aka financial abuse. He didn’t break up though and it absolutely didn’t fit his controlling behavior he showed before and what he said e.g. I’m the love of his life, he wants to spend every second with me, he needs me close etc
Your so right… that was my ex and finding out in the end all the girls that he said were friends or one of the guys he’s either slept with or he tried to get with and it was basically everyone makes me so sick because I was loyal to him for 10 years plus I’m just a loyal person but my loyalty stands with me now
Or they give you the silent treatment which is worse.
Exactly. Can’t call the police on coercive control.
I have had to live a “secret life” for most of my marriage. I called it “what he doesn’t know doesn’t hurt me” living. He never took interest in my pursuits, I don’t even know if he made assumptions about them. But I could never come home and share my accomplishments. It was never met with support and pride and happiness. It was either brushed off or ignored. So I learned to live one way at home, another way outside of it. It’s just mind-blowing how the characteristics of the dynamics are so similar even though the relationships can cross cultures. That’s what’s unsettling, scary and just has a hard time having my mind wrap around it. It’s not cultural.
The TV show “Kevin Can F**k Himself” is an excellent example of the double life you live with a narcissist. ❤️
Just now seeing it clearly after 18 years. 😑
Better late than never, but it’s still very hard and hurts to think about the years that could’ve been different. 16 years over here, I don’t regret leaving, but it’s still tough.
I am glad you finally saw it.
I honestly never understood why my brother did all of this to me until I finally got out. It was all about a decision someone in my family made FOR me when I was a minor. Property that was left to me by my family without my consent (which I could not choose one way or the other because I was 13). Everyone else got over that and moved on, except him. He made sure I paid for a decision that was never mine to make for nearly a decade. I spent years fantasizing about a way out without changing what I was doing around him.
Leaving or setting hard boundaries isn’t always simple, especially when your nervous system has been running on high alert for years. If you’re still in the middle of it and feeling guilty or stuck, please give yourself grace. Healing doesn’t happen on a strict schedule, and simply seeing the truth for what it is is already a massive first step.
There’s when I am with my marriage we almost seperated and divorced and got back together but since I’ve been back things are up and down and my eyes open. To my wife’s narcissistic tendencies like putting me on child support, being gone all night while getting her hair done and didn’t come back until 3:23 am the next morning. So trying to be strong and do my best to make my marriage work
I’m currently at the verge of divorce and i never imagine loosing my woman to another man
Some men can be so cruel, heartless and home breaker, they still wants to be with the woman knowing fully well she is married. I was in a similar situation some months back and i was able to stop my divorce and get my man back with the help of a relationship guide
Really, at this point i think i need it and can you recommend one for me pls
Father Osoba Shanti is a fantastic spiritual guide with the power to get your ex back and put an end to your ongoing divorce case
I just inputted the name on my browser and found his website thanks
I am sorry. Men or women, as long as they are Narcissist, they will cheat. No ifs and no but.
It comes down to the toxic person to realize they will never change even after saying they are sorry. You are 200% correct Dr. Ramani most of us don’t have the choice to leave because of the lack of money and not protecting ourselves fully so we learned to cope and when the narcissist figures it out they start changing tactics. It is a vicious cycle.
This happens even if you are not planning to leave. It also happens when you are financially trapped in the marriage…
I lost a fem narcissist in 1975. That was one hell of a stroke of luck. She latched onto a new supply and imprisoned him with loans.
My wife was cheating and having affairs with multiple men and I sadly trusted her that she wasn’t. It’s crazy to think that people can be so cruel and lie. Ultimately the cycle will repeat itself no matter who they’re with
Thankyou Dr R. This is 100% true. Maybe 6 or 7 years ago I talked about this saying im living 2 lives. A life where I need to fight to be me. , As I hide the suitcases ready to escape from the mold they wanted me to be. Its exhausting. No one understood me.
Safety and survival! When I realized that I was in an unsafe situation and started to look for an apartment I realized that he was tracking every step I took. Be careful!
I was able to escape when he was out of town.
He had cameras in the house. I was also forewarned that he could be listening too. I never thought this could happen to me and in this so called “dream come true “relationship.
Once again, profoundly grateful that I left.
My secret life were the people I knew that I darent tell him about, the things I liked to do that I couldn’t share with him. The lies I told to avoid his rages or discards. 🍒
Took me about 6months of double-life to prep my big escape
I helped a friend escape. She left with nothing but the few clothes I gave her..took a 21 hour bus ride to her sister…and a week later he convinced her through promises of change to come back. 😩 I worry about her.
Yes, I did live a secret life for about a year. I started separating our things even to the point of tax preparation paperwork and family pictures. I have been married for 40 years, but it wasn’t hard to figure out what I would take and what would stay.
I was reminded recently that I comment often on this channel. My healing journey began in 12-step programs, where giving back is a valued tradition, and I’m glad when I see my experience has been helpful. As the saying goes, “Take what you need and leave the rest.” I’m glad to be here, still learning, although the narcissist and the entire family cult are out of my life. Narcissism in our society is praised and normalized. I’m not hypervigilant anymore, but ever aware. This video is a good example of lessons learned and sharing in the comments is priceless.
THIS! It’s so important to move in silence when leaving a narcissist. Whether it’s romantic, familial, a friendship, in a workplace, whatever.